Oh my God! I feel like I've been living on another planet! The scales have dropped away from my eyes and left me outraged. Why the hell does it take so long for conspiracy theories to reach me? I enjoy laughing at human stupidity as much as the next person, more so if the next person possesses anything remotely resembling compassion or a moral compass.
Of course the 5G rollout caused coronavirus. In the same way as the invention of automobiles caused syphilis. Something to think about the next time you contemplate having sex with your car. Apparently this particular conspiracy theory has been doing the rounds since January and I'm only managing to make fun of it now. In Britain mobile phone towers have been set on fire (and not just the ones with 5G) by activists keen to rid the world of whatever it is that 5G does.
Actually I've no idea what 5G does, but whatever it is I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with coronavirus. If Telstra is involved in Australia it won't have much to do with faster internet speeds either. For the record the theory goes like this. 5G doesn't necessarily cause coronavirus but it aids in the dissemination of the disease because people are stupid and will believe anything.
There's also good news for health insurers. Now that everybody is locked up at home visits to dentist, therapists, physios etc have dropped so much that they're looking to make a killing due to reduced insurance claims. If you want a proper conspiracy theory say that it was started by health insurance companies to minimise the amount of claims they have to pay out. I might be tempted to believe that one.
But it wasn't all cheery news today. The Ruby Princess, officially a cruise liner but actually the worlds largest and most expensive plague rat has docked at Port Kembla while our government tests the crew and decides whether to hospitalise them or let them all die or something. There are still a bunch of other cruise ships hovering around our waters waiting for our guard to drop so they can sneak in or something. The Border Force has told them to leave, so far they've said no.
Our financial regulator (the one that did such a wretched job of actually regulating the pack of corporate criminals under its purview) has written to the large financial institutions saying how inappropriate it would be to pay dividends or take fat bonuses at this time of national crisis. The financial institutions took the news well, managing to more or less avoid laughing directly into the regulator's face.
As more evidence comes in of a flattening of the curve the government is attempting to make sure that people don't treat the upcoming Easter weekend as an excuse for an orgy of chocolate smothered human interaction. I apologise for the visuals that previous sentence might have conjured up. The prime minister announced that "We must keep tension in the cord". This may or may not mean anything but its a handy soundbite. One gets the impression that he might be tempted to wrap that cord around a few necks if people flout the requirements. Incidentally "flattening of the curve" is a technical term which means "How about that, not as many people are dying as we expected".
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