Oh the sweet taste of freedom, how I long to feel its drops trickle down my throat. Whereupon I will inadvertently inhale, choke and collapse gasping and coughing onto the floor. This is what happens when I drink coffee and I see no reason why freedom should be any different. But in between the wheezing, retching and trying to figure out which of the black spots before my eyes are new and which are old friends I shall relish the freedom.
On Friday a maximum of two people will be allowed to congregate together and drop in on a friends home. Friends who have been relishing my absence from their dwellings are desperately trying to fake coughs and get police tape put around their residences. I'm not sure what I will do with this newfound liberty. The fear, of course, is that I have been so thoroughly institutionalised that I will get halfway through my journey and flee home weeping in terror. Actually that happened a lot anyway but now I have an identifiable reason.
Yes things are looking cautiously up on the coronavirus situation in my home state. In Tasmania the military is still trying to prevent the northwest of the state from infecting the rest. My correspondent contacted me today abuzz with excitement at the thought of home schooling her children. I asked her if she was serious and she assured me she was. She also asked me if my tech support could send her another years supply of elephant tranquilisers as she had run through the previous years stock in the past week.
Over in New Zealand such of the population as hasn't already cannibalised itself is being permitted to go outside, briefly. The screams as the population were exposed to sunlight for the first time in over a month put me in mind of the finale of a vampire film being played at maximum volume. Still at least my New Zealand correspondent is slightly less concerned about becoming a meal for his loved ones. I wouldn't advise him to get complacent. Humans are apparently delicious, once a predator gets a taste for human flesh they rarely go back to other animals no matter how abundant they are.
Still the occasional bestial murder gang notwithstanding New Zealand seems to be coming out of this crisis rather well. Over in my sunkissed homeland the general trend of public statements by health officials and politicians is gradually becoming more upbeat. You can tell this by the fact that the government and the opposition are starting to slag each other off again as opposed to the disturbing unity they showed when the nation was in danger.
In Victoria a billionaire whose continued income stream absolutely depends on China got up on stage to say how great China was or something like that. The Chinese consul was there to hold his hand and make sure he didn't go off script. To be fair he also announced that a charitable foundation he supports was importing a mass of COVID testing equipment from China to assist in keeping the outbreak under control so there are definite advantages in being considered obedient and pliant by the Peoples Republic. Still on the subject of business rallying around in a time of need one of our largest mining companies has been taking out TV ads to announce that in light of the unprecedented situation it was graciously considering paying some of its bills. And Ford announced that those bits of its derelict production facility that hadn't already been sold for scrap would be converted into making PPE equipment. Which makes the collapse of Australia's car manufacturing industry look like a long term philanthropic plan.
In privacy violation news, so far nearly three million people have downloaded the governments COVID app. I was, and am, sceptical of the governments assurances of security and privacy but unless you live in a cave on the moon you do have to give up some privacy in return for operating in a functional society. At least helping to fight disease is a better reason for giving up your privacy than being able to access amusing kitten memes on the internet which is the reason none of us actually have any privacy anyway.
We're halfway through the week and the long awaited Friday of Freedom is fast approaching. How will I celebrate? I think I'll stay in.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Monday, April 27, 2020
ANZACon AARs
On the ANZAC Day weekend I had intended to pop down to Melbourne, pester a long suffering friend and compete in the ANZACon tournament. However given the current plague ravaging the world it was decided to play it online using VASL. For my opponents I would just be a scratchy and slightly hysterical voice at the other end of the phone. Unfortunately that didn't seem to put them off.
The first scenario pitted me against Eric Topp in scenario Q6 Per l'Onore di Roma. Here men of the Italian 80th infantry regiment (dubiously commanded by me) have to seize a village from Eric's defending Soviets. Victory for the Italians required them to capture three of the only four buildings in this miserable mud hut collection that were made of stone. I didn't come close; my brave fanti swept forward through the wheatfields to the first of the buildings and then stopped outside as the Russians occupying it showed a disinclination to leave. They also showed a disinclination to break. After four turns of pouring in as much fire as I could bring to bear the only appreciable result was that the Russian 9-1 leading the defence battle hardened to a 9-2 and then battle hardened again to become heroic into the bargain. Italian reinforcements tried to go for a flank and even managed to capture a stone building but that was the limit of the achievement. In the entire scenario I broke precisely one Russian halfsquad. Along the way a goodly amount of the Italian force became casualties. I conceded on turn five with the wreckage of my Italian force weeping around me.
If I could claim a certain amount of bad luck in the first scenario I had no such excuses in the second. I lost this one through sheer, breathtaking incompetence. The scenario was FrF51 - Bite of the Bassotto. I had small but tough group of German paratroopers backed up by an SP gun pinched from the Italians and had to hold off Bruce Probst's New Zealanders supported by some Staghound armoured cars. The job is to defend a small village, the Germans win if they're still holding six buildings at the end of the game. It's hard to encapsulate so much cock up in just a couple of sentences but let me try. Firstly the New Zealanders could enter on either or both of the south and the east board edges. For reasons I can't explain I thought the eastern troops came on later. As such I set up mainly guarding the south thinking I could pull back to cover the east later. Secondly it didn't occur to me that "enter on the east board edge" meant anywhere on the east board edge. Such forces as I did have covering the east were looking southeast. Bruce brought his troops on in the north east and promptly outflanked my entire position. My bassotto didn't fire a shot as his troops advanced onto it in close combat in the first turn and promptly killed it. This left the entire village effectively defended by a half squad and a dummy stack. They weren't enough (although the halfsquad tried quite hard). I did manage to kill a staghound with a panzerfaust and my southern defences held for a while but Bruce was gathering up undefended real estate all over the place and my few remaining troops died in place. I was supposed to get reinforcements on turn 3, I conceded before they turned up.
That was the end of day one and a deeply humiliating one it was. The first defeat was a misfortune but the second smacked of carelessness.
I started day two determined to win something if I died for it. Strangely, just for once I did (win something that is not die. I'm not writing this blog entry from beyond the grave). The scenario was FT43 - Infantry Probe at Argentan which saw my Germans counterattacking a group of Free French who unreasonably wanted their country back. My opponent was Joe Moro hunkered down in yet another village (a French one this time). I had to capture two out of three designated victory buildings for the win. Did you ever have a day when everything just went right? That was my experience here. I think my plan was good but the simple fact of the matter was that everything I tried worked while Joe's attempts to hold me back didn't. Joe was ill served by his bazookas which proved incapable of hitting a barn from inside it (they did eventually kill a halftrack and an armoured car but far too late) while my brave landsers were unstoppable. Highlight of the scenario, picking up the Free French flamethrower and then firing it into the melee that was raging to decide occupancy of the second victory building. A roll of three wiped out everything in the hex and a medium machine into the bargain and left me as sole occupant.
Having had an uncharacteristic taste of victory the fourth game saw normal service resumed. I fought Darryl Lundy in FrF 52 - Dying for Danzig. I was the defending Germans and set up in "the strongpoint" although a better term may have been "killing zone". My objective was simple, the Germans would win if a single squad equivalent in the stronghold was still alive and in good order at the end. Not one German survived anywhere. The Soviets had two flamethrowers and two flame throwing tanks plus a stack of elite infantry. The first couple of turns were slow as Darryl ground his way through my outer defences but grind he did and the Germans could not stand up to late war Soviet firepower. I got a single armoured car as reinforcements which Darryl dealt with by the simple expedient of driving a tank up, parking in front of it and destroying it in bounding fire. He then shot and burned what remained of my force into extinction. I have to admit this one wasn't a lot of fun to play. I spent most of it desperately hoping to pass morale checks and failing. Possibly a more competent commander could have achieved more (more of a certainty really). Highlight for me came at the end when Darryl, perhaps a little drunk with victory, advanced two squads and a 9-2 leader into close combat with my one remaining squad and leader. He gacked his roll and I got a three to wipe the lot of them out. In revenge he smothered my guys in flames the next turn and I didn't so much concede as run out of troops to do things with.
That was my first online ASL tournament and its smooth running is a credit to Joe Moro who organised it and had everything running smoothly. Much thanks is due to Joe for the effort he put in (and it was a lot of effort), the results certainly justified it (not my results obviously but results in a more general sense).
The first scenario pitted me against Eric Topp in scenario Q6 Per l'Onore di Roma. Here men of the Italian 80th infantry regiment (dubiously commanded by me) have to seize a village from Eric's defending Soviets. Victory for the Italians required them to capture three of the only four buildings in this miserable mud hut collection that were made of stone. I didn't come close; my brave fanti swept forward through the wheatfields to the first of the buildings and then stopped outside as the Russians occupying it showed a disinclination to leave. They also showed a disinclination to break. After four turns of pouring in as much fire as I could bring to bear the only appreciable result was that the Russian 9-1 leading the defence battle hardened to a 9-2 and then battle hardened again to become heroic into the bargain. Italian reinforcements tried to go for a flank and even managed to capture a stone building but that was the limit of the achievement. In the entire scenario I broke precisely one Russian halfsquad. Along the way a goodly amount of the Italian force became casualties. I conceded on turn five with the wreckage of my Italian force weeping around me.
If I could claim a certain amount of bad luck in the first scenario I had no such excuses in the second. I lost this one through sheer, breathtaking incompetence. The scenario was FrF51 - Bite of the Bassotto. I had small but tough group of German paratroopers backed up by an SP gun pinched from the Italians and had to hold off Bruce Probst's New Zealanders supported by some Staghound armoured cars. The job is to defend a small village, the Germans win if they're still holding six buildings at the end of the game. It's hard to encapsulate so much cock up in just a couple of sentences but let me try. Firstly the New Zealanders could enter on either or both of the south and the east board edges. For reasons I can't explain I thought the eastern troops came on later. As such I set up mainly guarding the south thinking I could pull back to cover the east later. Secondly it didn't occur to me that "enter on the east board edge" meant anywhere on the east board edge. Such forces as I did have covering the east were looking southeast. Bruce brought his troops on in the north east and promptly outflanked my entire position. My bassotto didn't fire a shot as his troops advanced onto it in close combat in the first turn and promptly killed it. This left the entire village effectively defended by a half squad and a dummy stack. They weren't enough (although the halfsquad tried quite hard). I did manage to kill a staghound with a panzerfaust and my southern defences held for a while but Bruce was gathering up undefended real estate all over the place and my few remaining troops died in place. I was supposed to get reinforcements on turn 3, I conceded before they turned up.
That was the end of day one and a deeply humiliating one it was. The first defeat was a misfortune but the second smacked of carelessness.
I started day two determined to win something if I died for it. Strangely, just for once I did (win something that is not die. I'm not writing this blog entry from beyond the grave). The scenario was FT43 - Infantry Probe at Argentan which saw my Germans counterattacking a group of Free French who unreasonably wanted their country back. My opponent was Joe Moro hunkered down in yet another village (a French one this time). I had to capture two out of three designated victory buildings for the win. Did you ever have a day when everything just went right? That was my experience here. I think my plan was good but the simple fact of the matter was that everything I tried worked while Joe's attempts to hold me back didn't. Joe was ill served by his bazookas which proved incapable of hitting a barn from inside it (they did eventually kill a halftrack and an armoured car but far too late) while my brave landsers were unstoppable. Highlight of the scenario, picking up the Free French flamethrower and then firing it into the melee that was raging to decide occupancy of the second victory building. A roll of three wiped out everything in the hex and a medium machine into the bargain and left me as sole occupant.
Having had an uncharacteristic taste of victory the fourth game saw normal service resumed. I fought Darryl Lundy in FrF 52 - Dying for Danzig. I was the defending Germans and set up in "the strongpoint" although a better term may have been "killing zone". My objective was simple, the Germans would win if a single squad equivalent in the stronghold was still alive and in good order at the end. Not one German survived anywhere. The Soviets had two flamethrowers and two flame throwing tanks plus a stack of elite infantry. The first couple of turns were slow as Darryl ground his way through my outer defences but grind he did and the Germans could not stand up to late war Soviet firepower. I got a single armoured car as reinforcements which Darryl dealt with by the simple expedient of driving a tank up, parking in front of it and destroying it in bounding fire. He then shot and burned what remained of my force into extinction. I have to admit this one wasn't a lot of fun to play. I spent most of it desperately hoping to pass morale checks and failing. Possibly a more competent commander could have achieved more (more of a certainty really). Highlight for me came at the end when Darryl, perhaps a little drunk with victory, advanced two squads and a 9-2 leader into close combat with my one remaining squad and leader. He gacked his roll and I got a three to wipe the lot of them out. In revenge he smothered my guys in flames the next turn and I didn't so much concede as run out of troops to do things with.
That was my first online ASL tournament and its smooth running is a credit to Joe Moro who organised it and had everything running smoothly. Much thanks is due to Joe for the effort he put in (and it was a lot of effort), the results certainly justified it (not my results obviously but results in a more general sense).
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Plague Update #18 - Strategic Decisions
While we've all been obsessing over such trivialities as the possible death of all mankind our government has been responsibly planning for our future. For a number of reasons (not all of them COVID-19 related) the price of oil has tanked recently. I apologise for the preceding joke, it was unworthy and I will try and do better in future. Our government has seized the opportunity presented by low prices to bolster the nation's strategic fuel reserves. This is the stockpile of fuel the government holds to run vital infrastructure and the military should something (like a war) interrupt the normal flow of fuel to this country. At present we hold about enough in our strategic reserve to run our military for approximately twenty eight minutes. After that it's gliders and sailboats guys.
So the government has popped out and bought a hundred million dollars worth of fuel. This fuel will be stored in the United States because, as the relevant minister explained in tones of sweet reason, we don't have anywhere to store it in this country. So if some global conflict/disaster/wrath of god occurs it would be helpful if it didn't actually impact the trade route between the US and Australia (spoiler alert, it will totally impact the trade route between the US and Australia). It would also be helpful if it didn't impact the United States so much that they felt the need to dip into "our" fuel themselves.
Meanwhile back in the disease zone where most of us are living our lives bicycles have become the new toilet paper. That was the line in the media today and I must admit it took me a long time to get visions of pedals stuck in various orifices out of my mind. Let's see how long it takes you. What the media meant, as it explained in the small print that nobody reads, is that bicycles are suddenly the must have purchase that everybody is lashing out on. Bicycle retailers are doing such a roaring trade that the government is contemplating dipping into its strategic bicycle store just as soon as it can persuade Venezuela to release them.
The reason for the sudden upsurge in bicycle purchases is because of the opportunity they provide for excerise in an appropriately socially distant way. Now that pretty much every dog in the country has been walked to exhaustion for everybody who wants an excuse to get out of the house its bicycles or nothing. For those people who can't afford a bicycle or a dog we're reduced to chasing the pigeons round our balconies for exercise. I don't know if its doing me any good but the pigeons have never looked so healthy.
In the latest sign that things are getting back to normal the NRL will restart its season on the 28th of May. This may not be ideal timing from a disease viewpoint but it might be enough to save the NRL from bankruptcy. It turns out that our sporting codes didn't actually save any of the money that rolls in the door from endorsements, sponsorships and those infuriating gambling ads so if they can't actually have a season they might go belly up. This would be terrible for the sport, or at least they are telling us it would be terrible for the sport. I can't help wondering if the NRL and cricket and whatever other sports we play, might not benefit from having these millstones removed from their necks.
Meanwhile the Greens party has advocated for further relief for whoever on the grounds that the economy won't just bounce back. To make their point they put out a press release claiming that "you can't accelerate out of a corner". They then had to alter that press release after it was pointed out that accelerating out of a corner was actually good advice.
So the government has popped out and bought a hundred million dollars worth of fuel. This fuel will be stored in the United States because, as the relevant minister explained in tones of sweet reason, we don't have anywhere to store it in this country. So if some global conflict/disaster/wrath of god occurs it would be helpful if it didn't actually impact the trade route between the US and Australia (spoiler alert, it will totally impact the trade route between the US and Australia). It would also be helpful if it didn't impact the United States so much that they felt the need to dip into "our" fuel themselves.
Meanwhile back in the disease zone where most of us are living our lives bicycles have become the new toilet paper. That was the line in the media today and I must admit it took me a long time to get visions of pedals stuck in various orifices out of my mind. Let's see how long it takes you. What the media meant, as it explained in the small print that nobody reads, is that bicycles are suddenly the must have purchase that everybody is lashing out on. Bicycle retailers are doing such a roaring trade that the government is contemplating dipping into its strategic bicycle store just as soon as it can persuade Venezuela to release them.
The reason for the sudden upsurge in bicycle purchases is because of the opportunity they provide for excerise in an appropriately socially distant way. Now that pretty much every dog in the country has been walked to exhaustion for everybody who wants an excuse to get out of the house its bicycles or nothing. For those people who can't afford a bicycle or a dog we're reduced to chasing the pigeons round our balconies for exercise. I don't know if its doing me any good but the pigeons have never looked so healthy.
In the latest sign that things are getting back to normal the NRL will restart its season on the 28th of May. This may not be ideal timing from a disease viewpoint but it might be enough to save the NRL from bankruptcy. It turns out that our sporting codes didn't actually save any of the money that rolls in the door from endorsements, sponsorships and those infuriating gambling ads so if they can't actually have a season they might go belly up. This would be terrible for the sport, or at least they are telling us it would be terrible for the sport. I can't help wondering if the NRL and cricket and whatever other sports we play, might not benefit from having these millstones removed from their necks.
Meanwhile the Greens party has advocated for further relief for whoever on the grounds that the economy won't just bounce back. To make their point they put out a press release claiming that "you can't accelerate out of a corner". They then had to alter that press release after it was pointed out that accelerating out of a corner was actually good advice.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Plague Update #17 - To Golf or Not To Golf
I ended a weekend of bleak isolation staring at the walls of my dimly lit apartment and was relieved to get back to a week of bleak isolation staring at the walls of my dimly lit apartment but also working. The pathetic joy with which I greeted the resumption of my pseudo productive activity is an indication of how deeply scarred this lock down has left me. Ever the devils advocate Tristan the Puffin insists that he has witnessed all of those psychological scars for years and the lock down hadn't really changed my life at all. In a rage I threw him out the window, then ran downstairs sobbing hysterical apologies and gathered him up before the pigeons could seize their chance.
As you can see I appear to have entered into a co-dependent and disturbingly abusive relationship with a stuffed puffin. The abuse isn't only one way either, not all my scars are psychological. We've considered therapy but have decided to see if we can work through our problems with the aid of narcotics and alcohol. So far our success has been mixed but we're determined to keep at it.
But back to the reasons for my spiral into addiction and madness. The crucial questions just keep coming. Down in Victoria people were incensed to discover they were no longer permitted to play golf. Speaking personally I don't actually need a reason not to play golf but these people were greatly wrath at the fact that they couldn't wander across an erratically tended lawn hitting a small ball with a long stick. They've got a point. After all exercise is permitted and there can be fewer games less conducive to social gatherings than golf. Nevertheless the Victorian government stood firm saying something along the lines of "We'd rather ban golf than have to dig mass graves for the populace". In my own state golf is still permitted for anyone who can take the time out from digging mass graves.
One of the nation's major airlines (not the one with the kangaroo, the other one) has been begging for government handouts with increasing desperation while our government has stood proudly firm and announced they are looking to the market for a solution. Like most conservative governments ours doesn't really comprehend that "the market" isn't a benevolent all seeing god with a touching solicitude for its worshippers. Rather, it is a cold blooded psychopath whose sole interest is in the benefit that can be gained for itself. In fact the only people who understand the market less than a conservative government is a Labor government but they at least have the excuse that they're not meant to. Which is why the market's solution turned out to be waiting for the airline to die then tearing strips off the carcass.
But that was our federal government. The state governments of NSW and Queensland were almost indecently eager to throw money at the beleaguered airline as long as well... The airline is currently based in Queensland and the Queensland government promised it a bucket of money as long as it promised to stay there. Not to be out done the government of my home state NSW promised it even more money if it would move to NSW. This produced a bit of a slanging match between various representatives of the two governments that at least took everybody's mind off infectious diseases and corporate collapses for a few minutes.
In grim totalitarian news our government took time out from eagerly waiting for the market to piss money on our airlines to promote the micro chipping of the population. OK that's a slight exaggeration (hey if you want real news get it from Facebook like everyone else). What they wanted to do was get everybody to download an app that would allow the government to track COVID-19 cases or something like that. The response of the population (including me) was underwhelming. At first it was going to be mandatory, then voluntary but with the easing of restrictions tied to uptake of the new app and finally the government declared that we could download it or not as we liked, it didn't give a shit.
The usual promises were made that our data wouldn't be stolen or misused and that people absolutely couldn't be hunted down by government death squads if they voted the wrong way in the next by election but it was to no avail, the public weren't buying it. Wisely in my view. Of course the data will be gathered and almost certainly misused. In claiming to the contrary the government is either lying or (to be fair, equally likely) simply speaking from well intentioned ignorance. Still the app won't be mandatory and people's private data can rest safely in the hands of Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos where it belongs.
As you can see I appear to have entered into a co-dependent and disturbingly abusive relationship with a stuffed puffin. The abuse isn't only one way either, not all my scars are psychological. We've considered therapy but have decided to see if we can work through our problems with the aid of narcotics and alcohol. So far our success has been mixed but we're determined to keep at it.
But back to the reasons for my spiral into addiction and madness. The crucial questions just keep coming. Down in Victoria people were incensed to discover they were no longer permitted to play golf. Speaking personally I don't actually need a reason not to play golf but these people were greatly wrath at the fact that they couldn't wander across an erratically tended lawn hitting a small ball with a long stick. They've got a point. After all exercise is permitted and there can be fewer games less conducive to social gatherings than golf. Nevertheless the Victorian government stood firm saying something along the lines of "We'd rather ban golf than have to dig mass graves for the populace". In my own state golf is still permitted for anyone who can take the time out from digging mass graves.
One of the nation's major airlines (not the one with the kangaroo, the other one) has been begging for government handouts with increasing desperation while our government has stood proudly firm and announced they are looking to the market for a solution. Like most conservative governments ours doesn't really comprehend that "the market" isn't a benevolent all seeing god with a touching solicitude for its worshippers. Rather, it is a cold blooded psychopath whose sole interest is in the benefit that can be gained for itself. In fact the only people who understand the market less than a conservative government is a Labor government but they at least have the excuse that they're not meant to. Which is why the market's solution turned out to be waiting for the airline to die then tearing strips off the carcass.
But that was our federal government. The state governments of NSW and Queensland were almost indecently eager to throw money at the beleaguered airline as long as well... The airline is currently based in Queensland and the Queensland government promised it a bucket of money as long as it promised to stay there. Not to be out done the government of my home state NSW promised it even more money if it would move to NSW. This produced a bit of a slanging match between various representatives of the two governments that at least took everybody's mind off infectious diseases and corporate collapses for a few minutes.
In grim totalitarian news our government took time out from eagerly waiting for the market to piss money on our airlines to promote the micro chipping of the population. OK that's a slight exaggeration (hey if you want real news get it from Facebook like everyone else). What they wanted to do was get everybody to download an app that would allow the government to track COVID-19 cases or something like that. The response of the population (including me) was underwhelming. At first it was going to be mandatory, then voluntary but with the easing of restrictions tied to uptake of the new app and finally the government declared that we could download it or not as we liked, it didn't give a shit.
The usual promises were made that our data wouldn't be stolen or misused and that people absolutely couldn't be hunted down by government death squads if they voted the wrong way in the next by election but it was to no avail, the public weren't buying it. Wisely in my view. Of course the data will be gathered and almost certainly misused. In claiming to the contrary the government is either lying or (to be fair, equally likely) simply speaking from well intentioned ignorance. Still the app won't be mandatory and people's private data can rest safely in the hands of Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos where it belongs.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Plague Update #16 - Things Are Getting Better, Except Where They're Getting Worse
Well things have got serious in Tasmania, they've called in the army and AusMAT. If you don't know what AusMAT is, its a multidiscipline medical team deployed by the Australian government, usually to third world countries in response to a disaster. Nepal in 2005, the Solomon Islands in 2013 and now Tasmania in 2020. Tasmania's health system is teetering on the brink of collapse. That's nothing to do with COVID-19, according to my correspondent it has been for years. However the shutting down of two hospitals serving approximately 22% of the population certainly isn't helping. Neither is the fact that most of the people currently infected actually worked at the hospitals in question; hence the need for army medics and AusMAT.
With his state's back up against the wall the Tasmanian premier went straight to the major issues in his press briefing this morning taking most of it to deny that the outbreak was assisted by an illegal dinner party attended by medical staff. To be fair most of the questions were around that as well. I don't know if anybody bothered to ask about death rates or the government response but the premier tossed in mentions of the army and AusMAT more or less as an afterthought. I tried to get more information on this from my correspondent but she is currently preparing her children for home schooling. The first subject on the curriculum was "How to perform surgery on yourself".
But there is good news coming out of America. In Florida professional wrestling has been deemed an "essential service" and will carry on in the coming weeks. Also good in a very disturbing way is the fact that the various lockdowns around the country mean that March was the first month since 2002 without a school shooting. I'm starting to have more sympathy for Americans who home school their children by choice.
Back in Australia our health professionals have warned people not to take medical advice from celebrities on social media. One would hope that this isn't the sort of thing that needs to be said but apparently it is. I can't help thinking that people who source their medical advice from instagram are probably among those the world can do without at a pinch. Still I shall dutifully obey the commands of our nations top health experts and cease my current self treatment of garlic rubs, cupping, ritual scarification and burning flu medication in a brazier so that the ensuing smoke drives off evil vapours. I didn't get that advice from social media but from my Belarusian tech support. For context the president of Belarus has point blank refused to take any preventative measures saying that no one will die of COVID-19 in his country, so there. This may be true if only because there are so many other things the population are likely to die of first.
In the parts of Australia that aren't Tasmania infection rates appear to be slowly dropping which is very good news. Such good news in fact that people are already asking when the restrictions will be lifted. The government isn't committing itself and the restrictions look to stay in place for the forseeable future (which for the government is about a week). This is a bit of a difficult one for the government; lift the restrictions too early and they will be crucified if there is a spike in infections and/or deaths. If they linger people will start muttering about the enhanced police powers and surveillance we're all currently under. Besides, if they lift the restrictions they'll have to do without the enhanced police powers and surveillance.
Did you know that cruise ships have black boxes? Apparently this is so that if the cruise ship crashes the ship crash investigators can find out if the captain was drunk or something. NSW police have laid hands on the black box from the Ruby Princess the cruise ship which practically singlehandedly caused our coronavirus outbreak as part of an ongoing investigation into what the hell happened. There are dark mutterings of deception and concealment of illness but I rather suspect it will turn out to be simple incompetence. This is what happens when things are managed by people who could accidentally slit their own throat with Occams Razor.
With his state's back up against the wall the Tasmanian premier went straight to the major issues in his press briefing this morning taking most of it to deny that the outbreak was assisted by an illegal dinner party attended by medical staff. To be fair most of the questions were around that as well. I don't know if anybody bothered to ask about death rates or the government response but the premier tossed in mentions of the army and AusMAT more or less as an afterthought. I tried to get more information on this from my correspondent but she is currently preparing her children for home schooling. The first subject on the curriculum was "How to perform surgery on yourself".
But there is good news coming out of America. In Florida professional wrestling has been deemed an "essential service" and will carry on in the coming weeks. Also good in a very disturbing way is the fact that the various lockdowns around the country mean that March was the first month since 2002 without a school shooting. I'm starting to have more sympathy for Americans who home school their children by choice.
Back in Australia our health professionals have warned people not to take medical advice from celebrities on social media. One would hope that this isn't the sort of thing that needs to be said but apparently it is. I can't help thinking that people who source their medical advice from instagram are probably among those the world can do without at a pinch. Still I shall dutifully obey the commands of our nations top health experts and cease my current self treatment of garlic rubs, cupping, ritual scarification and burning flu medication in a brazier so that the ensuing smoke drives off evil vapours. I didn't get that advice from social media but from my Belarusian tech support. For context the president of Belarus has point blank refused to take any preventative measures saying that no one will die of COVID-19 in his country, so there. This may be true if only because there are so many other things the population are likely to die of first.
In the parts of Australia that aren't Tasmania infection rates appear to be slowly dropping which is very good news. Such good news in fact that people are already asking when the restrictions will be lifted. The government isn't committing itself and the restrictions look to stay in place for the forseeable future (which for the government is about a week). This is a bit of a difficult one for the government; lift the restrictions too early and they will be crucified if there is a spike in infections and/or deaths. If they linger people will start muttering about the enhanced police powers and surveillance we're all currently under. Besides, if they lift the restrictions they'll have to do without the enhanced police powers and surveillance.
Did you know that cruise ships have black boxes? Apparently this is so that if the cruise ship crashes the ship crash investigators can find out if the captain was drunk or something. NSW police have laid hands on the black box from the Ruby Princess the cruise ship which practically singlehandedly caused our coronavirus outbreak as part of an ongoing investigation into what the hell happened. There are dark mutterings of deception and concealment of illness but I rather suspect it will turn out to be simple incompetence. This is what happens when things are managed by people who could accidentally slit their own throat with Occams Razor.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Plague Update #15 - Special Puffin Edition
Certain parents who shall remain nameless raised what I thought were quite insulting queries as to my sanity and general mental wellbeing after reading about my chats with what they thought was an imaginary puffin. I can assure them and everybody else that the puffin is quite real, his name is Tristan (because Isolde is a stupid name for a puffin, that's why). To further bolster the case for my own sanity I have taken the extraordinary step of secretly photographing him and posting the evidence below.
I hope this clears up any lingering doubts about my sanity and allows me to get back to training my cactus in interpretive dance in peace.
While I was proving my mental condition the nation was celebrating Easter COVID-19 style. That is most of us stayed home and ate chocolate. Some of us are finding it harder to distinguish between government mandated lockdowns and what we refer to as our lives. The news in Australia continues to be cautiously encouraging except in Tasmania where a couple of hospitals have been closed (or possibly just fallen down) and a number of new cases have been recorded, primarily among healthcare workers at said hospitals. I tried contacting my correspondent for an update but coloured paint and melted chocolate started dribbling out of the monitor so I severed the connection.
With infection rates flattening the government has swung into its next stage which largely consisted of telling us why it isn't a good idea to lift the restrictions just yet. Simultaneously they are encouraging everyone who possibly can to give blood. I'm tempted to do it so I have a legitimate reason to get out of the house. The only other alternative is a self sealing plastic bag and a craft knife so I can mail it from home. While I do have both of those items I am unfortunately out of stamps.
Overseas the number of Australians cluttering up various foreign countries is continuing to drop as charter flights are laid on to evacuate such of my fellow citizens who managed to leave the country before all of this started. Britain, Peru, Uruguay these are only some of the countries whose major export has suddenly become Australians fleeing home.
Also overseas, Tim Brooke-Taylor has died of COVID-19. It really is unfair to single out one person among the vast numbers of dead for special treatment but I was a huge Goodies fan when I was younger.
In Victoria the police have found the new "social distancing" laws to be a godsend as it enables them to crack down on bikie gangs. Presumably the hope is that paying all the fines will bankrupt the gangs whose members will have to get jobs as library assistants to make ends meet. It's a foolish dream, people aren't going to libraries either. One job that is flourishing in these difficult times is home delivery alcohol. Some of us aren't going to need to go out for a drink for years. On the other hand my resolution to not start drinking before ten in the morning is only being maintained because I'm rarely awake by then. COVID-19 is going to have long lasting health implications, principal among them serious liver damage.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Plague Update #14 - Antisocial Isolation
It was only yesterday that I was boasting to my fuzzy puffin plush toy that social distancing and general isolation hadn't really caused me too much distress. In response the puffin pointed out that yesterday I actually went for a jog, cleaned my kitchen and, oh yes, I was talking to a fucking puffin. So maybe the social distancing is impacting me a little (although the number of people prepared to get within a metre of me even at the best of times is in single digits).
I honestly think the puffin was exaggerating a little. Yes I went jogging and ok I cleaned the kitchen, or at least the most easily accessible parts of the kitchen but normal people do that all the time. As for talking to a puffin, well what am I supposed to do? I can hardly talk to the teddy bear I had as a child, that would just be weird.
I like to think I'm handling this enforced separation from my fellow humans quite well. Since I talk to myself incessantly my communications skills have hardly suffered. At least my puffin assures me that I'm as eloquent as ever. I'm not making a lot of sense but according to him I rarely did anyway. My parents, startled by the news that I wasn't already dead, offered to mail me a cat for company. This was a kind gesture but the pigeons on my balcony have now reached such a critical mass that I doubt any cat would survive twenty four hours.
Meanwhile it is becoming increasingly apparent how we're going to pay for all of the massive stimulus packages that have been announced. So far nearly a million dollars has been levied in fines on people breaking the social distancing and self isolation laws. If it keeps up like this COVID-19 is going to be the world's first self funding virus.
Infection figures countrywide have been dropping which is encouraging but they're due for a bit of a spike tomorrow when the Australian passengers from an Antarctic cruise ship fly home from Uruguay. Apparently about 70% of the ships passengers have the virus. Cruise ships have really been the floating petri-dishes of this infection. Who would have thought that gathering a group of people together in a confined space with no means of escape (unless you're a really good swimmer) could lead to the spread of disease. Given this and the average age of cruise passengers I'm amazed any cruise ship actually returned to port with a live passenger even before the outbreak.
Something else of note is the dramatic drop in pollution levels that has occurred as a result of people literally being unable to pollute. Indians can see the actual colour of the sky, in Venice the water is clean enough to piss into and in Manila the air can no longer be used as a weapon to bludgeon opponents to death. Certain smug environmentalist types are quite gleeful about all this but more sensible environmentalists are actually a little concerned.
Firstly of course, once this is all over everybody will gear up to try and recover lost production so pollution is likely to explode and with many countries in parlous economic straits after the lockdowns they're even less likely to be concerned with environmental impacts along the way. The second impact is a more subtle one. By pointing out the drop in pollution levels you are implying that this is what we need to do to get pollution levels down. If people believe that economic collapse and social isolation are the price for saving the environment then it is quite likely that they will simply decide not to do it.
In the meantime though the mutated dolphin things in the Mediterranean can frolic in the suddenly not quite as filthy water. It would be ironic if they've adapted so well to the pollution that they can't live without it.
I honestly think the puffin was exaggerating a little. Yes I went jogging and ok I cleaned the kitchen, or at least the most easily accessible parts of the kitchen but normal people do that all the time. As for talking to a puffin, well what am I supposed to do? I can hardly talk to the teddy bear I had as a child, that would just be weird.
I like to think I'm handling this enforced separation from my fellow humans quite well. Since I talk to myself incessantly my communications skills have hardly suffered. At least my puffin assures me that I'm as eloquent as ever. I'm not making a lot of sense but according to him I rarely did anyway. My parents, startled by the news that I wasn't already dead, offered to mail me a cat for company. This was a kind gesture but the pigeons on my balcony have now reached such a critical mass that I doubt any cat would survive twenty four hours.
Meanwhile it is becoming increasingly apparent how we're going to pay for all of the massive stimulus packages that have been announced. So far nearly a million dollars has been levied in fines on people breaking the social distancing and self isolation laws. If it keeps up like this COVID-19 is going to be the world's first self funding virus.
Infection figures countrywide have been dropping which is encouraging but they're due for a bit of a spike tomorrow when the Australian passengers from an Antarctic cruise ship fly home from Uruguay. Apparently about 70% of the ships passengers have the virus. Cruise ships have really been the floating petri-dishes of this infection. Who would have thought that gathering a group of people together in a confined space with no means of escape (unless you're a really good swimmer) could lead to the spread of disease. Given this and the average age of cruise passengers I'm amazed any cruise ship actually returned to port with a live passenger even before the outbreak.
Something else of note is the dramatic drop in pollution levels that has occurred as a result of people literally being unable to pollute. Indians can see the actual colour of the sky, in Venice the water is clean enough to piss into and in Manila the air can no longer be used as a weapon to bludgeon opponents to death. Certain smug environmentalist types are quite gleeful about all this but more sensible environmentalists are actually a little concerned.
Firstly of course, once this is all over everybody will gear up to try and recover lost production so pollution is likely to explode and with many countries in parlous economic straits after the lockdowns they're even less likely to be concerned with environmental impacts along the way. The second impact is a more subtle one. By pointing out the drop in pollution levels you are implying that this is what we need to do to get pollution levels down. If people believe that economic collapse and social isolation are the price for saving the environment then it is quite likely that they will simply decide not to do it.
In the meantime though the mutated dolphin things in the Mediterranean can frolic in the suddenly not quite as filthy water. It would be ironic if they've adapted so well to the pollution that they can't live without it.
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