Double the Ood

 Yes I know the title sounds like some kind of depraved Doctor Who cosplay but I assure you the subject material is completely innocent. Completely innocent and also thick and fluffy. Some time ago my parents, in a frantic attempt to find a birthday gift, presented me with an oodie. This fluffy, shapeless lump of material rapidly became my go to garment for the winter months as I snuggled inside the fleece and peered out from under the hood like a self indulgent monk.

Despite the fluffiness and comfort there was a problem. The oodie barely reached past my knees and my shins felt the harsh bite of winter made worse, if anything, by the luxuriant heat of the rest of my body. Blankets, rugs and thick socks were pressed into service but none of them had quite the air of decadent warmth imparted to the rest of my body by the oodie. 

Then suddenly, salvation. My manager gave up on her increasingly desperate attempts to get me to do some work for long enough to mention that she had recently purchased an oodie onesie. A link to the appropriate website was included. My eyes lit up and in a short period of time I had provided my credit card details to yet another random retailer on the internet. My identity must have been stolen so many times that it's like delegated schizophrenia. Still the surrendering of my personal details was a small price to pay as the new oodie was delivered to my door in a remarkably short period of time.

Suddenly I was clothed head to foot in oodie. The new oodie hugged my body in a way that would have been flattering if I had a different body. It too came in grey-black and when on it rather resembled kindergarten themed fetishwear. I'll just pause for a moment and let that sentence sink into your brain. 

Now encased in fluffiness I lounge on my lounge in dissolute comfort. Should the weather get bitingly cold then the original oodie goes over the top leading to an effect best described as "impromptu mummification". Two hoods cover my head, and a double layer of fleece envelops my torso. There are downsides of course. My reaction times have slowed to the point where even registering a pulse takes a minute or two and getting off the couch has become a journey requiring careful planning.

Despite these inconveniences my winters have never been so warm and comfortable. I find myself hungering for colder weather and being annoyed when the temperature is such as to render either oodie unnecessary. But when the winter chill hits I retreat behind my black covering and peering out from underneath my hood and bearing a strong resemblance to a somewhat pudgy Emperor Palpatine. Of course adding matching ugg boots is just the icing on the cake.