Welcome Abigail

My friend Jason has just given birth to a beautiful daughter (his wife Idette did most of the heavy lifting). Welcome Abigail Warburton, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to give you a little life advice before you get old enough to realise I should be ignored at all times.

First: Welcome to the planet, I'm sorry its such a mess. I was planning to clean up before you arrived but things kept coming up at the last moment.

Second: Get a mobile phone. You aren't anybody without a mobile phone these days. You probably belong to the last generation that won't have a mobile phone surgically implanted into them before birth. As I understand it Apple is working on iBreeding as we speak. Future children will be born fully connected, hands free, with downloadable apps as standard and with the ability to dial strangers at midnight in different countries. On the downside apparently they're all going to look like Steve Jobs. Unfortunately Abigail you will have to make do with an external phone. Get one in the next few days. Don't worry your parents will pay for it.

Third: Remember that the future of the human race is its children. I realise that's a lot of responsibility to drop on your shoulders at less than a week old but I'm sure you can handle it. Just do what we did, feed the same line to your children.

Fourth: Be patient with your parents. Parents are adults and adults are stupid. Any teenager will tell you this, frequently without being asked.

Fifth: Don't develop substance abuse problems, make an idiot of yourself in public or generally behave like a brain dead imbecile unless you do manage to become a teen pop sensation. If you don't you're just going to have to develop a personality like the rest of us.

Sixth: If you don't manage to develop a personality; try shouting loudly. It's amazing how few people will notice.

Seventh: Education is very important. If it wasn't for education none of us would realise how ignorant we are.

Eighth: Politicians are some of the most noble, self sacrificing and talented people you will ever meet. Since modesty is also one of their characteristics do not be surprised when they conceal their greatness behind a flawless mask of stupidity, cowardice, indecision and venality.

Ninth: You will have the opportunity to select between many religions, belief systems and general philosophies. Choose none of them, they are all crap. The thing which unites the pope in Italy, an imam in Saudi Arabia, a yogi in India and that idiotic hippy who sells hand made crap at the markets is the desperate belief that their inner emptiness can be filled from the outside. If you want a creed to follow; be honest, kind and forgiving. That way you will deserve salvation even if you don't get it.

Tenth: Never dislike anybody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity, nation of origin, sexual orientation (within certain legally defined limits of course) social class or religion. As you get to know people you will find much better reasons for disliking most of them.

Eleventh: Never refuse to dislike somebody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity etc etc. It is entirely possible for someone to be a member of a despised or ostracised minority and still be a complete dickhead.

Twelfth: In this country we choose our leaders in the following way. A small group of people you have never heard of write down the names of an even smaller group of people united only in their unfitness for the job and select one of them to be presented to the public in each electorate of the country. Their opponents do the same. You, Abigail, and the rest of the voting population select which of these individuals makes you less nauseous and collectively the group that win the most electorates select one of their number to lead the country. This is an insane way of choosing the leadership of a country but I wouldn't advise emigrating to any country that chooses their leader by some other method.

Thirteenth: Humans like disasters. Catastrophes give us an opportunity to be busy and demonstrate how nice we can be to our fellow humans at least for short periods of time. When things are going well humans get edgy and nervous and take out sub prime loans.

Fourteenth: The world is doomed. The world is always doomed. Humans have been saying the world is doomed pretty much ever since we developed language. One day of course we will be right. The current threat du jour is global warming. You must prepare yourself for global warming. I recommend that you take swimming lessons and avoid purchasing beachfront property.

Fifteenth: Reality television is evil. It is a wretched god forsaken suckhole into which people with little personality and fewer qualities are drawn so that they can dance for the amusement of others. They are still (remotely) human, accord them the dignity you would like to be shown yourself and refuse to watch.

Sixteenth: Read. No funny comment, just read. Time spent reading is never wasted unless what you're reading begins with the words "Dear Penthouse"

Seventeenth: Avoid environmentalists. Environmentalists frequently speak about the degradation of the planet, how we're killing the world, drowning in our own filth and so on. They are probably right but they're no fun at parties.

Eighteenth: Certain extreme environmentalists advocate the reduction of the human race to more "sustainable" levels. These people are evil hypocrites. If they truly believed that they would commit suicide and thus get the ball rolling. Ignore this wretched vermin.

Nineteenth: Aldous Huxley an author and part time philosopher once said "It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' ". He needn't be embarrassed, it's good advice.

Twentieth: Don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do. I for instance never stop talking and I do virtually nothing.

There you go Abigail a set of life rules which certainly deserve to be written on a tea towel somewhere. I hope you like them, I hope they help and I hope your parents are still talking to me.