Finally a Use for Wild Animals

If you think the police have a tough job pity the ones in Canada. A group of police conducting a drugs raid found a marijuana crop defended by a group of black bears. Fortunately the bears were so habituated to human contact that they didn't put up much of a fuss when the police turned up. Apparently they just sat around doing nothing. Does anybody else suspect that the bears might have been sampling the crop they were supposed to protect?

If you want an animal to guard your drugs you want something a little more formidable than a bunch of stoner bears. In Italy a group of cocaine dealers had the bright idea of hiding their drugs underneath a rare albino python. Unlike the Canadian bear recruiters they didn't make the mistake of feeding it. Thus when the police turned up the python was bitter and looking to kick heads and take names. This is a good idea up to a point, the point being when your ferocious albino python starves to death. May I suggest when this happens you simply paint a draught excluder white and coil it up on the drugs. Chances are not too many people will notice the difference. Particularly the sort of people who come to buy drugs.

Actually using animals to guard criminal operations is a great idea. I personally have a team of highly trained sharks which I use to protect my illegal fish farm in the Snowy Mountains. I don't know why more people don't get into fish farming by the way, its so easy. You can go away all day and when you get back the fish are still in the paddock you put them in in the morning. Rounding them up is pretty easy too. You don't need a dog, just a pitchfork. Of course milking them is a bitch.

I don't know how I got into the illegal fish racket. It started off small, just the occasional can of tuna bought from some dodgy character outside a supermarket but soon I owed so much money that I had to go into dealing just to fund my habit. My big break came when I was introduced to a group of Colombians who were using trained trout to smuggle tuna into the country. I saw an opportunity and I went for it. Now I raise up to a thousand head of trout a year and sell them to international fish cartels to be used as tuna mules. Everybody's got to have a hobby.

Still on animal related news the authorities in southern Sudan (which might soon become an independent country) are planning to remodel their regional capitals in the shape of animals. Juba, the main city, is going to look like a rhinoceros. Apparently they plan to spend ten billion dollars sculpting their cities to look like animals that are going to be extinct soon anyway. Juba is a city that has more tribal groupings than it does paved roads and the electricity isn't turned on all the time because the sudden light scares the inhabitants, nevertheless good times are coming for Rhino City. This, no joke, is what they plan to call the new development. In the governments defence nobody is trying to claim that currently Juba is anything other than a shithole (a functioning sewer system is something else they haven't got yet) but whether reshaping what is essentially a collection of slums so that they look like a rhinoceros is the best use of available resources is up for debate. Especially when the available resources are nil.

Possibly the government of Juba should settle for having the city look like a cowpat. Of course they'd have to clean it up a bit to achieve that as well.