Anglers are mourning the death of a carp in Britain. Strange really when you consider that it must happen quite a bit. Especially if there are anglers around. Ah but this was no ordinary carp. This was the famous Two Tone; 65 pounds in weight and 45 years old when it died. Apparently catching it was the holy grail of carp fishing. There was a picture of it and it looked rather like a fish shaped barrage balloon. Two Tone seems to have been quite a good sport about the entire angling business, he generously allowed himself to be caught about fifty times in his career to the great joy of the angler in question.
I think Two Tone answers any lingering questions we might have about the intelligence of fish. Caught fifty times? Somebody wasn't really trying. Either that or Two Tone had a sick fetish for having a sharpened bit of metal stuck into the roof of his mouth and being half suffocated. Not my idea of a good time but there's nowt as queer as fish.
I tried fishing once or twice when I was a child but fortunately I grew out of it. Fishing is one of those pursuits I don't really understand. Oh I understand some parts of it; sitting on a riverbank or in a small boat, a rod over the side and a hat over my eyes. That all sounds very pleasant indeed but frankly I could do it at a swimming pool. If I ever actually caught a fish I'd probably have a panic attack, although probably nothing like the panic attack the fish would have. There I'd be reeling, dragging, slipping and probably falling overboard while the fish stares at me sardonically and says "You're new to this aren't you?"
Maybe I am but I'm not the one impaled on an inch and a half of steel smart arse. Some animals are just made to be victims and most fish fall into that category. Another victim animal is the bird of paradise. The bird of paradise is a magnificent creature, beautiful, colourful, striking. Humans took one look at it and thought "wow, wouldn't that make a great hat." Birds of paradise are now protected from the rampages of the international hat conspiracy but for cultural reasons Papua New Guinea tribesman are still allowed to kill some. What do the tribesmen do with the dead birds? They strip the feathers off and make headdresses out of them. Hats, again.
At some point we have got to argue that our culture needs to be protected as well. Our culture just happens to include ravaging eco systems, hunting bears and foxes and making clothing out of pretty much anything that moves and a good deal that doesn't. Next time you get caught chainsawing down a magnificent redwood simply point out that furniture is part of your cultural heritage and demand a government grant. I've never quite understood why ancient cultural traditions are so important to other people but our own have to take second place to laws on the environment, equal opportunity, transportation of convicts and the utterly unreasonable ban on burning witches. Let's face it if traditions were so terribly important I for one would be squatting on a hillside near Inverness freezing my arse off and trying to pinch somebody's sheep. Thanks, but I think I'll pass.
The correct definition of tradition is "Something our ancestors did because they didn't know better". Many traditions had great value back in the day of course. In Australia there was an Aboriginal tradition of knocking out one of the front teeth on achieving manhood. This wasn't just pointless sadism, in a stone age society people tended to get tetanus quite a bit and making a gap in the mouth allowed sufferers to be fed after they'd got lockjaw. A thoroughly sensible piece of preventative medicine for the time and place. Now we have antiseptics and there really isn't a good reason to go around knocking out healthy teeth unless, of course, you're a dentist. Traditions have their place and that place is a long time ago. Sure you can keep some of the more visually appealing ones that might bring in tourist dollars. Britain, for example, does almost nothing else. What you shouldn't do is take it seriously, or expect anyone else to. Build new traditions instead and have a private chuckle at the mess you'll be getting your descendants into if they try to follow them.
Two hundred years from now when the remnants of the human race are huddled in the Antarctic jungle fighting off the dinosaurs that returned as a result of runaway global warming I very much doubt if you will see too many of them carving ipods from stone because their ancestors carried them. Fortunately with all the rising sea levels at least the fishing should be good.
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Some fine lines again like: 'if traditions were so terribly important I for one would be squatting on a hillside near Inverness freezing my arse off and trying to pinch somebody's sheep' There should be a questionnaire on FB asking everyone what they would have been doing 200 years before today. I doubt that many would have been sitting in the manse beside a roaring fire gnawing on things to their heart's content.....
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