Gamble Irresponsibly

Gamble responsibly!  That's the message that seems to be spewing from my television more than any other at the moment.  "Our new gaming app allows you to wager your daughters kidneys on whether or not the horse that comes in first will be grey!  Gamble responsibly!"  Presumably once you get past two kidneys you should stop, or at least have another child.

It's such an exciting time to be alive for the responsible gambler.  A combination of the Internet, creativity, human greed and moral bankruptcy have combined to allow you to bet your house on a Mongolian archery contest from the comfort of the living room that the bailiffs will very soon be throwing you out of.  Apparently you can bet on penguins breeding in the Antarctic while you're hiding in a Kentucky coal mine trying to avoid those unpleasant heavy set guys who seem determined to remove your corneas.

There really do seem to be a lot of gambling commercials on TV at the moment.  Part of it is because I've been watching a bit of sport lately.  There was the Australian Open tennis and now the cricket in India.  And sport and gambling go together like, well like banks and bank robbers really.  You can imagine one without the other but where's the fun in that.  At what point do we decide that the sport itself isn't that important and just sit around throwing money into a hole?  Every single betting company in the world is competing to come up with sexier and more exciting ways of encouraging people to throw their money into a hole.  Responsibly of course. 

I shouldn't really fixate on the "Gamble responsibly" message.  That isn't the gaming companies fault.  They have to put it in there so that the various regulatory bodies that pretend to oversee this stuff can claim they've done all they can.  I'm sure if it was left to them the gaming companies would come up with something a little more plausible.  Something along the lines of "Gamble until you die, you can afford a second mortgage,  steal money from the wife's purse when she isn't looking, the kids don't need those school fees, give us all your money you stupid bastards, dance puppets dance!"  Although their marketing people would probably come up with a snappier version that would slot nicely into their television commercials.

And let's not call it gambling, gaming is a much nicer term if completely inaccurate.  Gaming implies that you're playing a game.  You're not, somebody else is playing a game and you're simply putting side bets on whether the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys is going to come out as gay before Mitchell Marsh scores a century against Bangladesh on a month with an "r" in it.  But gaming has a nice inclusive feel to it.  You're practically part of the team.  You can almost imagine Steve Smith winding up a victory speech by saying, "And we couldn't have done it without those great guys at home betting on whether the stumps would be eaten by woodworm before the thickness of the bats reached two metres.  You're heroes guys!"  And you would bask in reflected glory at least until your in-laws discover that you've sold your wife to sex traffickers to pay off that unwise woodworm bet.

As you can see from the above I'm not crazy about gambling.  I'm not crazy about gambling, I'm not crazy about gambling companies and most of all I am utterly furious at the impotent turd baskets who insisted that the gaming companies put the words "Gamble responsibly" on every single piece of advertising they produce.  People who will gamble responsibly will do so without encouragement from people who desperately want them to gamble irresponsibly.  People who won't gamble responsibly will blow the family fortune on a chook raffle if that's the only game in town. 

It has to be admitted that a lot of my irritation at gambling comes from the fact that its a vice I don't understand.  I get the appeal of pretty much every other addictive, socially destructive, financially ruinous activity, even the few that I haven't actually tried myself.  But gambling is a complete mystery to me.  As such I think I feel even more affronted by it than would otherwise be the case.  I actually understand the motivation of a heroin addict better than I do a chronic gambler.  At least when a heroin addict spends money they get heroin.  A gambler spends money, and that's it.  Show's over.  Move along folks nothing to see here.

Although, now I come to think about it there is something to be said for gambling.  It is addiction in its purest form.  There can't be a way of extracting money from the moronic that requires less effort.  Drug dealers need to source and distribute drugs in order to get money.  Alcohol companies need to make and sell alcohol for the same reason.  They're practically gainfully employed. A gaming company needs to do nothing more than provide a sack for people to throw their money in.  And the best part of it is, that is all they're expected to do.  Never have people paid so much to so many for nothing at all. PR firms and social workers are productive members of society by comparison.

OK, the gaming companies can stay.  If nothing else they serve as a handy moral lesson.  I just wish they'd stop sponsoring sport.  Or to put it another way I wish sporting bodies were less enthusiastic about whoring themselves for cash.  It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.  Although if you are going to whore yourself you should totally do it for cash.  It turns out betting slips are not transferable, yet.