Oscar Pistorius Mutilates Possum

Time is a funny thing.  One moment something is at the front of your mind and the next thing you know its ten years later and you still haven't returned that call.  With this on my mind I suddenly realised that I hadn't heard anything from this blog's wildlife mutilation reporter for almost a decade.  If I actually paid her I might feel somewhat annoyed.

Hastily scratching some pertinent questions onto a message stick I flung it into the ocean in the hopes that the ocean currents would carry it to Tasmania.  Six months later I was contacted by the administrators of a Belarusian porn website.  They had received my message stick and had forwarded it on to Tasmania by express carrier dromedary as part of the service they provide to all their best customers.  Oh and by the way my subscription was coming up for renewal.

With communications with Tasmania reestablished courtesy of what I strongly suspect are a group of eastern European cyberterrorists I was able to get the latest news.  Fortunately my correspondent didn't have to go far for her next scoop.  The other day she opened her front door and found a possum on her porch.  Behind that was another, and another, and another.  At first glance it looked like Tasmania's wildlife was massing for an attack but a swift burst of anatomical arithmetic reassured her that what she was looking at was actually only one possum albeit one covering considerably more geographic area than was conducive to good health.
.
Her journalistic instincts aroused my reporter cast about for the cause and she swiftly placed the blame where it belonged, on Oscar Pistorius.  I found this a little difficult to swallow and hastily contacted my Belarusian tech support.

"Did she say Oscar Pistorius?"

"She did," was the reply.  "We just relay the messages, we don't fact check them.  By the way do you need an election rigged?"

I told them I'd get back to them (but definitely didn't say "no") and got back in touch with my reporter.

"So, Oscar Pistorius huh?"

It turns out Oscar Pistorius is the name of the family dog.  Originally it was just called Oscar but it had a gammy leg so it became Oscar Pistorius.  It is, of course, not terribly politically correct to make fun of the disabled but Oscar Pistorius is a white South African and a convicted murderer so I think we can get away with it.  I have to admit that I don't have very much sympathy for a possum that can't outrun or outfight a disabled dog.  Nevertheless I suggested that Oscar be kept indoors at night from now on.  There was a certain amount of back and forth on this suggestion but ultimately my reporter noted that she had two young children both of which she would rather like to keep.  So it would appear that the possums of Tasmania are going to have to take their chances, or learn to climb a tree.

With contact with the outer territories reestablished and Tasmania's possum menace effectively dealt with the only thing remaining is to figure out what to do with the five hundred grams of weapons grade plutonium my communications team has sent me, apparently as a good will gesture.  Currently I'm using it as a night light.