The Tragedy of the Biscuit Amnesiac

I have found biscuit crumbs in my commonplace book which wouldn't bother me too much except for the fact that I haven't been eating any biscuits.  Two possibilities present themselves, either someone else has glanced at my book while eating a biscuit or I am suffering from a rare form of biscuit specific amnesia.  I'm going to go with the more likely explanation.

Biscuit amnesia is a very rare condition and for the most part those afflicted suffer in silence.  Well, no more!  Let this blog entry be a clarion call to announce to the world the existence of this tragic and debilitating condition.  Research on biscuit amnesia is very hard to find.  I contacted a dozen universities and several other research institutes with only patchy results.  Most asked me to stop calling and a couple threatened legal action however one did offer to send me all the information they had but needed my bank account details and internet passwords.  While I'm waiting for them to get back to me I have few resources of my own.  I would look biscuit amnesia up on the internet but I seem to be having a little difficulty with my computer recently.

Thus I'm reduced to documenting my own experiences as a sufferer of this condition which is awkward as I don't remember any of them.  According to the friendly staff at my favourite cafe I quite frequently order biscuits.  They were a little more hazy on whether I actually eat them.  At least one of them mentioned that they "have more important things to do than watch you stuff your face with biscuits" but I saw the fear in their eyes.  They couldn't remember either!  I'm obviously not the only sufferer, in fact there seems to be quite a statistical clump of them in this cafe.

Eager to pursue this new evidence further I conducted in depth interviews with the staff until the owner politely asked me to order something or get out.  According to later reports I ordered a biscuit but I really can't remember.  My attempts to get to the bottom of this mystery came to a premature end when the cafe closed.  Its rare for the cafe to close at Midday and there were still plenty of diners but the owner assured me it was time to go home.  I promised to return early the next day to continue my research and was farewelled with enthusiastic hand gestures and light hearted threats of restraining orders.

Back at home I tried to continue my studies but was thwarted by the total absence of biscuits in my apartment.  I don't know why this is as I always buy biscuits and there are several empty packets lying about the place.  Obviously my biscuit amnesia is getting out of hand.  Certain concerned friends have suggested that therapy might be the answer.  To be fair they didn't mention the biscuit amnesia specifically, they just thought I might benefit from therapy.  It's nice to have friends who are so concerned, one of them was so concerned she suggested immediate electroshock therapy and offered the use of the battery from her car.

I'm hoping to find an easier way to solve the problem.  I have recently bought a new packet of biscuits and I have coated them all in a particularly foul tasting weed killer.  I'm hoping the taste will be sufficient to snap me out of my biscuit amnesia.  Unfortunately this experiment has had to be postponed as I have recently been hospitalised with a very odd case of food poisoning.  And the damn biscuits have vanished again!