Satanism for Fun and Prophet

I wandered across the wikipedia entry for the Church of Satan the other day (as you do). Not the traditional pack of beast worshippers but rather the cult set up by Anton LaVey in the 1960s. Apparently LaVey rejected the notion of worshipping any sort of dark angel in favour of worshipping oneself. Rather than rejecting the physical and focusing on the spiritual these Satanists do it the other way round. The hungers, impulses, desires and lusts which make us human are the things which are to be embraced and indulged. Or something like that. Possibly.

Leaving everything else aside I must admit there are definite advantages to being your own god. You wouldn't have to worry about being late for church for a start. You could pass a collection plate around every time someone visited and with the assistance of the right type of accountant you could probably claim tax exempt status for pretty much everything you do. Every time someone prepared a meal for you it would count as a sacrifice. Wouldn't it be cool to have somebody sacrificing to you?

For those of you you who might be contemplating a change of religion please find below the Nine Satanic Statements and the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth. These were pinched straight from wikipedia and are no doubt as accurate as everything else on wikipedia. Of course I could have done some research but in keeping with my subject material I followed my desires and decided not to bother.

Statements (9)

1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence
2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams
3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit
4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates
5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek
6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires
7. Satan represents man as just another animal (sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all fours), who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all.
8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification
9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years

Rules (11)

1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
3. When in another’s home, show them respect or else do not go there.
4. If a guest in your home annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy
5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
6. Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.
7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
9. Do not harm young children.
10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food
11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they do not stop, destroy them.

In summary; give charity to the rich, help only those who don't need it, beat up those who oppose you and be nice to animals. I can't help thinking that LaVey missed a major opportunity here. If he had taken these, for want of a better word, principles, woven a neat parable around each one, added an introduction and a conclusion the resultant book would be on every business leaders desk and LaVey himself could have made a fortune on the corporate speaking circuit.

It came as no real surprise to me to learn that Ayn Rand was one of LaVey's major influences. Rand, you may recall, is the woman who changed psychotic narcissism from a mental illness into a philosophy. Personally while having a fair amount of sympathy for several of the points mentioned I find it difficult to believe that I am the most important person in the room. And I live alone. I agree that helping the weak and undeserving is tedious but they are the ones who need help. The high functioning and well adjusted would probably prefer it if you just minded your own business. Despite the best efforts of Rand and LaVey egotism is not a philosophy or a religion, it is a character flaw.

Still let's not get too judgemental; last night on the train I saw a woman reading a copy of The Celestine Prophecies. There are worse things to be than a Satanist. Like stupid for a start.