Ring Ring. Nobody Home but us Valkyries

I must admit that I don't really get opera. It has always struck me as little more than a group of overdressed, morbidly obese people wailing to the heavens in Italian. Last night though I saw Ring of the Nibelungen on television and my opinion has changed somewhat. Apparently opera can consist of overdressed, morbidly obese people shrieking to the heavens in German.

I didn't see the whole opera, the damn thing went on for hours. The Ring of the Nebelwerfer had been going for two hours when I channel surfed past it and wondered why an incredibly fat woman appeared to be wrapped in tinfoil. Furthermore I left well before the finish, I watched for an hour or so before I went to bed. The opera still had a couple of hours to go. From what I could determine there was this guy named Siegfried who helped a worthless tool named Gunther seduce a Valkyrie or some such. Unfortunately the Valkyrie, whose name improbably is Brunnhilde, recognised Siegfried as her seducer and accused him. Siegfried who seemed to be a bit cocky, or a bit of a cock, swore black and blue that it wasn't him and then cheerfully admitted that it was thus earning the enmity of Brunnhilde, the hapless Gunther and Guther's psycho brother Hagen.

Siegfried, Gunther and Hagen wore business suits, face paint and sleeves decorated with euro and yen symbols while Brunnhilde descended from the ceiling in what looked like a metal bathtub that was only just capable of bearing her weight. All of this was, no doubt, deeply significant. I suspect that what it largely signified was that the director was a wanker.

Anyhow, Siegfried has this ring, plus a helmet and a wacking great sword (all of which went well with his business suit). It turns out that he is also invincible in battle thanks to certain charms that Brunnhilde had laid on him. Collectively this makes him pretty formidable (although no less of a tosser) however the vengeful Brunnhilde informs the equally vengeful Hagen of Siegfried's achilles heel. There always has to be one because otherwise Siegfried could simply slaughter everyone and the opera could be over in five minutes (personally I think Wagner should have investigated that option more thoroughly). When casting her spells Brunnhilde didn't bother to protect Siegfried's back since such a fearless warrior would always face his foes. Thus the key to killing Siegfried is to stab him in the back. As I said, a shameless plot contrivance but what the hell.

Meanwhile for no apparent reason Siegfried goes hunting. While out he meets three damp women suspended from the ceiling in oversized fish tanks. From their dress and general appearance I deduced that they were either Rhine Maidens or members of the All German Fetish Hookers Swim Team (they picked up a bronze in the 2008 BDSM games). In between splashes and gurgles they inform Siegfried that his ring is the famous ring of the nurburger and that it carries a powerful curse. Don't they all? The maidens soggily announce that Siegfried will die unless he gives the ring to them for safe keeping. Siegfried reacts as you would expect a fearless warrior to react when informed by a deliquescent stranger that he has to give up his most cherished possession.

I don't actually know what happened to Siegfried because at that point I threw the remote at the television and went to bed. The opera however went on for another two hours which seems to imply that Wagner had difficulty getting to the point. Mind you I'm a great one to talk. I've just used an entire blog entry to write an incomplete commentary on an opera without coming anywhere near a point. I acknowledge my error and shall attempt to make amends forthwith.

So my point is this; if while bear hunting you happen across a group of women who look like they escaped a dungeon by swimming a canal just give them the damn ring. It could save you a lot of trouble in the future. At the very least it would save you another two hours of Wagner.