A little trivia piece at work today pointed out that Vikings made drinking cups of their enemies skulls. I can't see how that would work, all the alcohol would trickle out the eyesockets. Of course what the Vikings actually did was cut off the top of the skull and fit a cup in there. So Vikings didn't make drinking cups out of their enemies skulls, they made stubbie holders out of their enemies skulls. You can just imagine the binge drinking sessions on icy Winter nights, a group of Vikings gathered around one of their number chanting, "skull, skull, skull". Then when the lad had passed out there would be comments like, "I knew he had no head for drink" and "he's not the only one who's off his face". Hey there's nothing like a little decapitation humour to pass the time while you're waiting for the longship to come out of the garage.
When they weren't promoting irresponsible usage of alcohol or leading the way in dark ages recycling technology the Vikings were seafarers, raiders and traders. Anywhere there was water you could find Vikings. During the ninth century it wasn't safe to run a bath without alerting the local militia. Not that they would do you any good as the Vikings were the most kickarse bunch of marauders around at the time.
They even turned up in Byzantium where the emperors took one look at this bunch of hairy, axe wielding maniacs and said "Would you guys be looking for a job?" The Varangian Guard, the emperors personal bodyguard was originally made up of Viking warriors who had made their way to Constantinople for one reason or another. Service in the guard was highly prestigious and very well paid. There is a story of one Norseman making his way home being arrested in France because he was carrying a suspiciously large quantity of gold. He was released when a letter came from the Byzantine emperor confirming that the money was his severance pay. Harold Hardrada who is best known as the guy who didn't conquer England in 1066 did a stint in the Varangians before returning to become king of Norway. Considering how that worked out he might have wished he had stayed.
Over in Kiev the locals did one better than simply hiring the Vikings as bodyguards. They hired them as kings. Legend states that the Kievan Rus tired of squabbling amongst themselves invited a Viking named Rurik to come and rule over them and give them peace. Like most legends this is probably a complete lie and the Vikings rarely waited for an invitation before turning up but nevertheless there was a Viking aristocracy ruling the Rus before there were Varangians in Constantinople. Funny story, the Byzantines came into contact with the Rus when at the instigation of their Norse rulers they attempted to raid Constantinople. The Byzantines introduced the Rus to civilisation by way of Greek fire a sort of medieval napalm. Those who survived decided to try trading instead.
It must have been a jolly life, roaming the world, burning and looting, doing the odd spot of jobbing kingship and protecting emperors from their enemies (frequently their relatives) and when it was all over they could get a job fitting cups into peoples skulls. Vikings; the multitaskers of the dark ages.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Furry Gloves are Cool
My apartment block in knee deep in cats. It is almost impossible to walk outside without stepping on something small and fluffy. Furthermore I think they're breeding because there have been a number of incredibly cute kittens hanging around the place lately. We have an old lady who feeds them (every apartment block has such a person) in addition to the two of her own that are legitimate residents. Some people have complained to the council about the burgeoning feline population. The council's less than helpful response was that if we caught them the council would take them away. I think if we could catch them we could probably arrange the taking away ourselves as well. So it looks like the cats are here for the duration. I don't really mind, they're quieter than some of my neighbours and they bury their own shit which is something I wouldn't trust all of my neighbours to do.
On a completely unrelated topic I suddenly realise I need some furry gloves. A woman came into the cafe (Satellite Expresso by the way, awesome place, great coffee, great cook, lovely owner; free coffee next time Ash?) wearing a pair of furry gloves. Suddenly I realise what has been missing from my life; furry gloves. Suffice it to say I am sitting here deprived of furry gloves and I feel their absence. Even the thought of furry gloves makes my life better by a small but measurable degree.
I realise I have mentioned furry gloves six times in the previous paragraph. There is the possibility that I am getting a bit obsessed. However its nothing a pair of furry gloves won't cure. Furry gloves would be cool, I could be quite the fashion plate with a pair of furry gloves or at least a fashion saucepan. There are other benefits to furry gloves as well. If I left them lying about the place, and people who have visited my flat know this is quite likely, then I could pretend I had kittens without the hassle of feeding them or training them to use kitty litter. Furry gloves could be the ideal pet for me; small, low maintenance and, above all, furry. I could give them names and cuddle them on cold Winter nights. Yes, this is the kind of thinking I do when I'm on my own.
On further reflection though I don't think it would be a good idea to keep furry gloves as pets. If I lost one of them it would be like a death in the family.
On a completely unrelated topic I suddenly realise I need some furry gloves. A woman came into the cafe (Satellite Expresso by the way, awesome place, great coffee, great cook, lovely owner; free coffee next time Ash?) wearing a pair of furry gloves. Suddenly I realise what has been missing from my life; furry gloves. Suffice it to say I am sitting here deprived of furry gloves and I feel their absence. Even the thought of furry gloves makes my life better by a small but measurable degree.
I realise I have mentioned furry gloves six times in the previous paragraph. There is the possibility that I am getting a bit obsessed. However its nothing a pair of furry gloves won't cure. Furry gloves would be cool, I could be quite the fashion plate with a pair of furry gloves or at least a fashion saucepan. There are other benefits to furry gloves as well. If I left them lying about the place, and people who have visited my flat know this is quite likely, then I could pretend I had kittens without the hassle of feeding them or training them to use kitty litter. Furry gloves could be the ideal pet for me; small, low maintenance and, above all, furry. I could give them names and cuddle them on cold Winter nights. Yes, this is the kind of thinking I do when I'm on my own.
On further reflection though I don't think it would be a good idea to keep furry gloves as pets. If I lost one of them it would be like a death in the family.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Another War Crime
It is sad when a book disappoints so thoroughly in the first twenty pages or so that you can't bear to read the rest of it. I recently purchased a book called Mussolini's War which claims to be a history of the Italian armed forces in the Second World War and to "set the record straight" about their supposed poor showing in that conflict. Being a bit of a sucker for the Italians in that particular conflict (rather like my affection for the Austro-Hungarians in the previous war) I purchased the book. I fully expected a certain amount of revisionism but I also hoped to learn a little more about the actions of Italy's military. Most histories settle for saying something like "and the Italians surrendered en masse" which while usually true is not entirely fair. For all their overall failure there were plenty of acts of courage and (occasionally) skill both at the individual and unit level that the Italians can point to with pride. I rather hoped this book might bring some of that out. In the first twenty pages or so I found five deliberate misrepresentations and at least two outright lies. There may indeed be good stuff in there somewhere but I'm afraid I have no interest in looking for it.
This leaves me with the other book I bought recently which I hope will be better. Unfortunately it's in German so I have to buy myself a decent German-English dictionary. The title of the book is Radetzky: Eine Biographie which even I can handle but apart from that its going to be rather slow work. The only other phrase I know which might be of use is "in deinem lager ist Österrreich".
Lest anybody think that amateur translation is going to become a hobby of mine I was really driven to it by the fact that there don't seem to be any satisfactory (or for that matter unsatisfactory) biographies of Radetzky in English. Type "Radetzky" into amazon's search engine and all you get is several pages of various publications of the Radetzky March which I already have plus the German language biography I have just bought. Hopefully I will prove a little better at learning German now than I was at school. In fact, hopefully I am a little better at pretty much everything now than I was at school.
I already have a biography of Archduke Karl of Habsburg. Now that I have my biography of Radetzky I only need Wallenstein and Prince Eugene of Savoy to make my collection of Habsburg military luminaries complete. Mind you if anybody wanted to provide a collection of military idiots in Habsburg service the list would go on for pages. Four outstanding military leaders in an empire that lasted approximately four centuries seems a little skimpy although the Habsburgs did have a number of commanders that at least make it into the second rank.
Of course the Habsburgs were unlucky in their enemies. Most generals who run up against either Frederick the Great or Napoleon are going to come off looking rather silly by comparison. Still one gets the impression that military genius was not really a qualification for high command with the Habsburgs. Even Radetzky who rose to the highest rank was a little surprised. Summoned to the emperor's presence to be given the position of chief of staff Radetzky protested his own lack of experience and education for the role. The emperor's response was "you are too sensible to make outrageous mistakes and if you make ordinary mistakes, well I'm quite used to that from my generals". The emperor who said that, by the way, was Franz I who would have gone down as the empire's most mediocre ruler if he hadn't been succeeded by his halfwit son Ferdinand.
In the course of a long career Radetzky served first Franz, then Ferdinand and finally Franz Josef who raised standards of imperial governance back up to the levels of Franz after the rather disastrous attempt to run the empire as a special needs school.
I seem to have wandered about a bit in this blog entry which makes me doubt if I have the attention span necessary to translate an entire book. Those who know me are probably surprised that I possessed the attention span to purchase it in the first place. I'm also still looking for a book that can give me a decent account of Italy's armed forces in the Second World War. Suggestions welcome.
This leaves me with the other book I bought recently which I hope will be better. Unfortunately it's in German so I have to buy myself a decent German-English dictionary. The title of the book is Radetzky: Eine Biographie which even I can handle but apart from that its going to be rather slow work. The only other phrase I know which might be of use is "in deinem lager ist Österrreich".
Lest anybody think that amateur translation is going to become a hobby of mine I was really driven to it by the fact that there don't seem to be any satisfactory (or for that matter unsatisfactory) biographies of Radetzky in English. Type "Radetzky" into amazon's search engine and all you get is several pages of various publications of the Radetzky March which I already have plus the German language biography I have just bought. Hopefully I will prove a little better at learning German now than I was at school. In fact, hopefully I am a little better at pretty much everything now than I was at school.
I already have a biography of Archduke Karl of Habsburg. Now that I have my biography of Radetzky I only need Wallenstein and Prince Eugene of Savoy to make my collection of Habsburg military luminaries complete. Mind you if anybody wanted to provide a collection of military idiots in Habsburg service the list would go on for pages. Four outstanding military leaders in an empire that lasted approximately four centuries seems a little skimpy although the Habsburgs did have a number of commanders that at least make it into the second rank.
Of course the Habsburgs were unlucky in their enemies. Most generals who run up against either Frederick the Great or Napoleon are going to come off looking rather silly by comparison. Still one gets the impression that military genius was not really a qualification for high command with the Habsburgs. Even Radetzky who rose to the highest rank was a little surprised. Summoned to the emperor's presence to be given the position of chief of staff Radetzky protested his own lack of experience and education for the role. The emperor's response was "you are too sensible to make outrageous mistakes and if you make ordinary mistakes, well I'm quite used to that from my generals". The emperor who said that, by the way, was Franz I who would have gone down as the empire's most mediocre ruler if he hadn't been succeeded by his halfwit son Ferdinand.
In the course of a long career Radetzky served first Franz, then Ferdinand and finally Franz Josef who raised standards of imperial governance back up to the levels of Franz after the rather disastrous attempt to run the empire as a special needs school.
I seem to have wandered about a bit in this blog entry which makes me doubt if I have the attention span necessary to translate an entire book. Those who know me are probably surprised that I possessed the attention span to purchase it in the first place. I'm also still looking for a book that can give me a decent account of Italy's armed forces in the Second World War. Suggestions welcome.
What if You Went Back in Time and Killed Hitler's Grandfather?
It is so easy to lose track of time. We measure time, regulate it, chop it up into bite sized bits and then charge for it but if we turn our backs on it for a second it gets away from us completely. I'm currently in my second, or possibly third, day of a four day weekend and I'm finding it hard to make any distinction finer than day and night. Normally I use my job to measure time. Up at six thirty, at work by about eight fifteen and then the various tasks I perform and even the lunchbreak help me carve up my day into useful segments. At least this is what I claim during performance reviews. Without work to force me out of bed at a certain time I tend to lose track of it completely. The only other time management device I possess is the television and frequently there is no reason to turn it on.
Humans spend an inordinate amount of time (hee hee) trying to control time which is silly as time is the one thing that will get away from us no matter what we do. I suspect that this is one of the causes for the popularity of time travel as a basis for science fiction stories. Pretty much everyone has some incident in their life that they would like to revisit and do differently. It never seems to occur to them that since they're the same person in the same situation access to a time machine probably won't stop them from screwing it up all over again. This is before we get onto the entire popping back in time and drowning baby Hitler in the bath business which is another favourite delusion.
I suspect that at least part of Hitler's issues stem from the fact that he was pursued by a murderous gang of time travellers for most of his life. Guys there is no point in trying to kill baby Adolf, history tells us you failed. If you're a certain type of science fiction writer (or god forbid a scientist) then you'll pass by the opportunity to meet famous people throughout history (and sell their autographs later for a fortune) and go straight into the other plotline for time travel. The old "if you kill your grandfather before he meets your grandmother then what happens to you?" Well hopefully you'll be arrested for murder and executed you psychotic bastard. That's the trouble with time travel, if you follow it to its logical conclusion it winds up disappearing up its own arse. The answer is simple, your very presence proves that you didn't kill your grandfather. You killed some other poor bastard before using your access to high technology to flee justice.
The entire concept that history can be reshaped through the actions of time travellers is ridiculous. Note I said reshaped, not shaped. It is entirely possible that half the famous characters from history were actually time travellers who popped back for a quick look and got caught up in events. Why not? It's no less plausible than a good deal of the history we're expected to swallow now. However changing things is not likely to be possible. At this point people generally start rabbiting on about free will and determinism and to them I say "shut up, this is my blog". Simply possessing free will is not sufficient to enable you to change history. I possess free will but I doubt if I would be capable of assassinating the president of the United States for example. Hi to all the guys at the NSA who have suddenly started reading this by the way. It probably wouldn't be any easier for time travellers.
We know Hitler wasn't drowned at the age of three, we don't know that some time traveller didn't pop into the bunker in 1945 and blow his head off. When you travel in time unless you have no knowledge of history whatsoever you can sometimes know the results of your actions, but nothing more. You can't change history although I suspect it is possible to become part of it. The other worry is that mucking about with the timeline might unravel the universe to which I respond; if the universe was that fragile it has probably already happened and we haven't noticed so what's the big problem?
Episodes of Doctor Who not withstanding I would suspect that once the initial thrill wore off any society that developed time travel probably wouldn't bother too much. There might be a certain amount of money to be made in temporal tourism and no doubt some history students would pop back for a quick birds eye view of their subject material but that would be about it. The only useful application for time travel I can think of is for historians to travel back and see exactly how much they got wrong. Once time travel is invented I suspect that pretty much every history book in existence is going to have to be substantially rewritten. How about that that? Time travel will change history after all.
Humans spend an inordinate amount of time (hee hee) trying to control time which is silly as time is the one thing that will get away from us no matter what we do. I suspect that this is one of the causes for the popularity of time travel as a basis for science fiction stories. Pretty much everyone has some incident in their life that they would like to revisit and do differently. It never seems to occur to them that since they're the same person in the same situation access to a time machine probably won't stop them from screwing it up all over again. This is before we get onto the entire popping back in time and drowning baby Hitler in the bath business which is another favourite delusion.
I suspect that at least part of Hitler's issues stem from the fact that he was pursued by a murderous gang of time travellers for most of his life. Guys there is no point in trying to kill baby Adolf, history tells us you failed. If you're a certain type of science fiction writer (or god forbid a scientist) then you'll pass by the opportunity to meet famous people throughout history (and sell their autographs later for a fortune) and go straight into the other plotline for time travel. The old "if you kill your grandfather before he meets your grandmother then what happens to you?" Well hopefully you'll be arrested for murder and executed you psychotic bastard. That's the trouble with time travel, if you follow it to its logical conclusion it winds up disappearing up its own arse. The answer is simple, your very presence proves that you didn't kill your grandfather. You killed some other poor bastard before using your access to high technology to flee justice.
The entire concept that history can be reshaped through the actions of time travellers is ridiculous. Note I said reshaped, not shaped. It is entirely possible that half the famous characters from history were actually time travellers who popped back for a quick look and got caught up in events. Why not? It's no less plausible than a good deal of the history we're expected to swallow now. However changing things is not likely to be possible. At this point people generally start rabbiting on about free will and determinism and to them I say "shut up, this is my blog". Simply possessing free will is not sufficient to enable you to change history. I possess free will but I doubt if I would be capable of assassinating the president of the United States for example. Hi to all the guys at the NSA who have suddenly started reading this by the way. It probably wouldn't be any easier for time travellers.
We know Hitler wasn't drowned at the age of three, we don't know that some time traveller didn't pop into the bunker in 1945 and blow his head off. When you travel in time unless you have no knowledge of history whatsoever you can sometimes know the results of your actions, but nothing more. You can't change history although I suspect it is possible to become part of it. The other worry is that mucking about with the timeline might unravel the universe to which I respond; if the universe was that fragile it has probably already happened and we haven't noticed so what's the big problem?
Episodes of Doctor Who not withstanding I would suspect that once the initial thrill wore off any society that developed time travel probably wouldn't bother too much. There might be a certain amount of money to be made in temporal tourism and no doubt some history students would pop back for a quick birds eye view of their subject material but that would be about it. The only useful application for time travel I can think of is for historians to travel back and see exactly how much they got wrong. Once time travel is invented I suspect that pretty much every history book in existence is going to have to be substantially rewritten. How about that that? Time travel will change history after all.
The Ultimate in Recycling
Lest anyone think that my blog entries are the result of spontaneous genius (you were thinking that weren't you?) I must admit that I usually write drafts of them in long hand first. So what appears to be spontaneous genius is actually well drafted mediocrity. It's only sensible that my creations should undergo a certain amount of turd polishing before they reach that bastion of style and sensitivity that is the internet.
I write drafts of my blogs in my commonplace book which is a particular piece of pretentiousness which I got from a biography of HP Lovecraft. Apparently commonplace books were used to record recipes, favourite bible passages and uplifting thoughts. My commonplace book has no recipes or bible passages and it would take a more egotistic person than me to describe the thoughts in it as uplifting, or even thoughts. In truth its just a notebook but I use the term commonplace book because the term notebook seems somehow commonplace. Page after page of crabbed writing in friendly red ink helps to fool idle viewers into thinking I might be doing something with my life; idiots. Certain people are still expecting the great Australian novel to rise from these pages like a monster from its slab. Instead they get this blog flopping about like a landed fish.
Is writing a blog entry about my blog (and not the first one either) an exercise in introspection or merely an act of monstrous narcissism? Personally I think I'm too beautiful, intelligent and talented to indulge in narcissism so it must be introspection. To be introspective is to look within oneself to see what is there. I do this from time to time and I always see the same things; lungs, heart and various squishy red things that I can't quite identify but would probably miss if they suddenly decided to leave. In my wallet is an organ donor card but I strongly suspect that any surgeon presented with my organs for transplant would decide that the patient would be better off taking their chances with the original.
Transplants are pretty awesome though and getting more so by the day. They're doing whole faces now which might be a bit awkward if the recipient turned up at a party where the donor was expected. Eventually transplanting will be reduced to a game of mix and match. Victor Frankenstein's dream realised in reverse. I wonder how long we could keep the transplant game going for? Take a liver from one person, implant it in another and if that person had an organ donor card and some really terrible luck it could move on to person number three. Perhaps this is the key to immortality, not as individuals but as reusable parts to be spread around. How much of a long dead person would you have to reassemble before you could legally claim they were the same individual? Probate law might suddenly become very interesting indeed.
This is the sort of thing I think about when I allow my mind to wander; proof, if proof were needed, that it shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised.
I write drafts of my blogs in my commonplace book which is a particular piece of pretentiousness which I got from a biography of HP Lovecraft. Apparently commonplace books were used to record recipes, favourite bible passages and uplifting thoughts. My commonplace book has no recipes or bible passages and it would take a more egotistic person than me to describe the thoughts in it as uplifting, or even thoughts. In truth its just a notebook but I use the term commonplace book because the term notebook seems somehow commonplace. Page after page of crabbed writing in friendly red ink helps to fool idle viewers into thinking I might be doing something with my life; idiots. Certain people are still expecting the great Australian novel to rise from these pages like a monster from its slab. Instead they get this blog flopping about like a landed fish.
Is writing a blog entry about my blog (and not the first one either) an exercise in introspection or merely an act of monstrous narcissism? Personally I think I'm too beautiful, intelligent and talented to indulge in narcissism so it must be introspection. To be introspective is to look within oneself to see what is there. I do this from time to time and I always see the same things; lungs, heart and various squishy red things that I can't quite identify but would probably miss if they suddenly decided to leave. In my wallet is an organ donor card but I strongly suspect that any surgeon presented with my organs for transplant would decide that the patient would be better off taking their chances with the original.
Transplants are pretty awesome though and getting more so by the day. They're doing whole faces now which might be a bit awkward if the recipient turned up at a party where the donor was expected. Eventually transplanting will be reduced to a game of mix and match. Victor Frankenstein's dream realised in reverse. I wonder how long we could keep the transplant game going for? Take a liver from one person, implant it in another and if that person had an organ donor card and some really terrible luck it could move on to person number three. Perhaps this is the key to immortality, not as individuals but as reusable parts to be spread around. How much of a long dead person would you have to reassemble before you could legally claim they were the same individual? Probate law might suddenly become very interesting indeed.
This is the sort of thing I think about when I allow my mind to wander; proof, if proof were needed, that it shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Welcome Abigail
My friend Jason has just given birth to a beautiful daughter (his wife Idette did most of the heavy lifting). Welcome Abigail Warburton, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to give you a little life advice before you get old enough to realise I should be ignored at all times.
First: Welcome to the planet, I'm sorry its such a mess. I was planning to clean up before you arrived but things kept coming up at the last moment.
Second: Get a mobile phone. You aren't anybody without a mobile phone these days. You probably belong to the last generation that won't have a mobile phone surgically implanted into them before birth. As I understand it Apple is working on iBreeding as we speak. Future children will be born fully connected, hands free, with downloadable apps as standard and with the ability to dial strangers at midnight in different countries. On the downside apparently they're all going to look like Steve Jobs. Unfortunately Abigail you will have to make do with an external phone. Get one in the next few days. Don't worry your parents will pay for it.
Third: Remember that the future of the human race is its children. I realise that's a lot of responsibility to drop on your shoulders at less than a week old but I'm sure you can handle it. Just do what we did, feed the same line to your children.
Fourth: Be patient with your parents. Parents are adults and adults are stupid. Any teenager will tell you this, frequently without being asked.
Fifth: Don't develop substance abuse problems, make an idiot of yourself in public or generally behave like a brain dead imbecile unless you do manage to become a teen pop sensation. If you don't you're just going to have to develop a personality like the rest of us.
Sixth: If you don't manage to develop a personality; try shouting loudly. It's amazing how few people will notice.
Seventh: Education is very important. If it wasn't for education none of us would realise how ignorant we are.
Eighth: Politicians are some of the most noble, self sacrificing and talented people you will ever meet. Since modesty is also one of their characteristics do not be surprised when they conceal their greatness behind a flawless mask of stupidity, cowardice, indecision and venality.
Ninth: You will have the opportunity to select between many religions, belief systems and general philosophies. Choose none of them, they are all crap. The thing which unites the pope in Italy, an imam in Saudi Arabia, a yogi in India and that idiotic hippy who sells hand made crap at the markets is the desperate belief that their inner emptiness can be filled from the outside. If you want a creed to follow; be honest, kind and forgiving. That way you will deserve salvation even if you don't get it.
Tenth: Never dislike anybody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity, nation of origin, sexual orientation (within certain legally defined limits of course) social class or religion. As you get to know people you will find much better reasons for disliking most of them.
Eleventh: Never refuse to dislike somebody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity etc etc. It is entirely possible for someone to be a member of a despised or ostracised minority and still be a complete dickhead.
Twelfth: In this country we choose our leaders in the following way. A small group of people you have never heard of write down the names of an even smaller group of people united only in their unfitness for the job and select one of them to be presented to the public in each electorate of the country. Their opponents do the same. You, Abigail, and the rest of the voting population select which of these individuals makes you less nauseous and collectively the group that win the most electorates select one of their number to lead the country. This is an insane way of choosing the leadership of a country but I wouldn't advise emigrating to any country that chooses their leader by some other method.
Thirteenth: Humans like disasters. Catastrophes give us an opportunity to be busy and demonstrate how nice we can be to our fellow humans at least for short periods of time. When things are going well humans get edgy and nervous and take out sub prime loans.
Fourteenth: The world is doomed. The world is always doomed. Humans have been saying the world is doomed pretty much ever since we developed language. One day of course we will be right. The current threat du jour is global warming. You must prepare yourself for global warming. I recommend that you take swimming lessons and avoid purchasing beachfront property.
Fifteenth: Reality television is evil. It is a wretched god forsaken suckhole into which people with little personality and fewer qualities are drawn so that they can dance for the amusement of others. They are still (remotely) human, accord them the dignity you would like to be shown yourself and refuse to watch.
Sixteenth: Read. No funny comment, just read. Time spent reading is never wasted unless what you're reading begins with the words "Dear Penthouse"
Seventeenth: Avoid environmentalists. Environmentalists frequently speak about the degradation of the planet, how we're killing the world, drowning in our own filth and so on. They are probably right but they're no fun at parties.
Eighteenth: Certain extreme environmentalists advocate the reduction of the human race to more "sustainable" levels. These people are evil hypocrites. If they truly believed that they would commit suicide and thus get the ball rolling. Ignore this wretched vermin.
Nineteenth: Aldous Huxley an author and part time philosopher once said "It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' ". He needn't be embarrassed, it's good advice.
Twentieth: Don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do. I for instance never stop talking and I do virtually nothing.
There you go Abigail a set of life rules which certainly deserve to be written on a tea towel somewhere. I hope you like them, I hope they help and I hope your parents are still talking to me.
First: Welcome to the planet, I'm sorry its such a mess. I was planning to clean up before you arrived but things kept coming up at the last moment.
Second: Get a mobile phone. You aren't anybody without a mobile phone these days. You probably belong to the last generation that won't have a mobile phone surgically implanted into them before birth. As I understand it Apple is working on iBreeding as we speak. Future children will be born fully connected, hands free, with downloadable apps as standard and with the ability to dial strangers at midnight in different countries. On the downside apparently they're all going to look like Steve Jobs. Unfortunately Abigail you will have to make do with an external phone. Get one in the next few days. Don't worry your parents will pay for it.
Third: Remember that the future of the human race is its children. I realise that's a lot of responsibility to drop on your shoulders at less than a week old but I'm sure you can handle it. Just do what we did, feed the same line to your children.
Fourth: Be patient with your parents. Parents are adults and adults are stupid. Any teenager will tell you this, frequently without being asked.
Fifth: Don't develop substance abuse problems, make an idiot of yourself in public or generally behave like a brain dead imbecile unless you do manage to become a teen pop sensation. If you don't you're just going to have to develop a personality like the rest of us.
Sixth: If you don't manage to develop a personality; try shouting loudly. It's amazing how few people will notice.
Seventh: Education is very important. If it wasn't for education none of us would realise how ignorant we are.
Eighth: Politicians are some of the most noble, self sacrificing and talented people you will ever meet. Since modesty is also one of their characteristics do not be surprised when they conceal their greatness behind a flawless mask of stupidity, cowardice, indecision and venality.
Ninth: You will have the opportunity to select between many religions, belief systems and general philosophies. Choose none of them, they are all crap. The thing which unites the pope in Italy, an imam in Saudi Arabia, a yogi in India and that idiotic hippy who sells hand made crap at the markets is the desperate belief that their inner emptiness can be filled from the outside. If you want a creed to follow; be honest, kind and forgiving. That way you will deserve salvation even if you don't get it.
Tenth: Never dislike anybody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity, nation of origin, sexual orientation (within certain legally defined limits of course) social class or religion. As you get to know people you will find much better reasons for disliking most of them.
Eleventh: Never refuse to dislike somebody on the basis of their colour, ethnicity etc etc. It is entirely possible for someone to be a member of a despised or ostracised minority and still be a complete dickhead.
Twelfth: In this country we choose our leaders in the following way. A small group of people you have never heard of write down the names of an even smaller group of people united only in their unfitness for the job and select one of them to be presented to the public in each electorate of the country. Their opponents do the same. You, Abigail, and the rest of the voting population select which of these individuals makes you less nauseous and collectively the group that win the most electorates select one of their number to lead the country. This is an insane way of choosing the leadership of a country but I wouldn't advise emigrating to any country that chooses their leader by some other method.
Thirteenth: Humans like disasters. Catastrophes give us an opportunity to be busy and demonstrate how nice we can be to our fellow humans at least for short periods of time. When things are going well humans get edgy and nervous and take out sub prime loans.
Fourteenth: The world is doomed. The world is always doomed. Humans have been saying the world is doomed pretty much ever since we developed language. One day of course we will be right. The current threat du jour is global warming. You must prepare yourself for global warming. I recommend that you take swimming lessons and avoid purchasing beachfront property.
Fifteenth: Reality television is evil. It is a wretched god forsaken suckhole into which people with little personality and fewer qualities are drawn so that they can dance for the amusement of others. They are still (remotely) human, accord them the dignity you would like to be shown yourself and refuse to watch.
Sixteenth: Read. No funny comment, just read. Time spent reading is never wasted unless what you're reading begins with the words "Dear Penthouse"
Seventeenth: Avoid environmentalists. Environmentalists frequently speak about the degradation of the planet, how we're killing the world, drowning in our own filth and so on. They are probably right but they're no fun at parties.
Eighteenth: Certain extreme environmentalists advocate the reduction of the human race to more "sustainable" levels. These people are evil hypocrites. If they truly believed that they would commit suicide and thus get the ball rolling. Ignore this wretched vermin.
Nineteenth: Aldous Huxley an author and part time philosopher once said "It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' ". He needn't be embarrassed, it's good advice.
Twentieth: Don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do. I for instance never stop talking and I do virtually nothing.
There you go Abigail a set of life rules which certainly deserve to be written on a tea towel somewhere. I hope you like them, I hope they help and I hope your parents are still talking to me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
History: A Portrait From Life When the Subject is Dead
I read quite a bit of history one way and another. I think largely because I have too much time on my hands. History is fascinating and it teaches many important lessons. The first lesson it teaches is that people haven't really changed all that much in the last ten thousand years or so. The second lesson is that you should really never trust historians.
There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn't trust historians and the first although by no means most important is the likelihood that they just don't know what the hell was going on. The study of history has been likened to attempting to do a jigsaw puzzle with no picture and 98% of the pieces missing. The more comprehensive and detailed the information the more likely it is to have been extrapolated into existence from a pitiful handful of clues which are usually open to multiple interpretations. Especially if you want to open them to multiple interpretations. This leads me to my second reason for not trusting historians; they usually have an axe to grind.
If you have made the study of history your lifes vocation, to the point where you are now writing books on the subject then history is very important to you. You will no doubt have your own theories on how to interpret evidence and your own opinions on which events were the most significant and why. To put it another way when you write your work of history you are not telling what happened you are telling what you think happened. Or what you think ought to have happened. Or what you really would have liked to have happened. Or possibly you're just a pathological liar. Even if you strive for objectivity your own opinions and the quality of your education will colour what you write.
History should really come with a disclaimer, something along the lines of "the following is a true story only the facts have been changed" or rewritten, or misinterpreted. Anyone who reads this blog (hi mum) will know that I toss in some historical comment myself. Anybody whose knowledge of history was nil could be forgiven for thinking I know what I'm talking about. And I really don't. To write the history of anything well you have to like it and if you like it then that noise you hear is your objectivity quietly leaving the room.
I'm fascinated with the Byzantine and Habsburg empires. I buy every book I can afford on both subjects. I have built in my own mind a structure of what each empire was like and even I am capable of telling that it is probably wildly inaccurate. The Byzantine empire lasted for over a thousand years, the Habsburg empire for half that long. To accurately document the complete history of either is probably impossible. Neither was particularly interested in leaving a disinterested summary of their successes and failures. The result is our sources tend to praise them to the skies or consider them to be harbingers of the Anti Christ. At various times and places either description has a certain amount of justification.
Edward Gibbon did such a knife job on the Byzantine empire that it took a century for scholars to get a slightly less jaundiced view of it. Yet Gibbon wasn't deliberately trying to make Byzantium look bad, he just thought it was bad and wrote accordingly. The first book I read on Byzantium was written by someone who obviously loved it tremendously and he was a good enough writer to impress that on me to the point where I wanted to know more. Since then I have read several more balanced (or at least more detailed) histories and know that the first gloss wasn't necessarily accurate. Nevertheless that first impression has never quite faded and it would be a braver man than me to accuse the author of gilding the lily. He wrote as he saw it and he wrote well.
My own little historical bits are somewhat less forgiveable. I don't actually make things up but I rarely strive for historical accuracy to the exclusion of a good (or bad) joke. And my fact checking makes Wikipedia look like the Encyclopedia Britannica. It is my dearest wish that one day some deeply ignorant person will download one of my historical blogs and use it as the basis of an essay for which they will confidently expect high marks. Imagining the look on their face when their paper is returned gives me a little malicious amusement.
Another thing which threatens to make history less accurate is the desire (frequently unconscious) to make it conform to modern attitudes and behaviour. Terms like "balance", "cultural sensitivity" and "social relevance" wander through modern discussions of history like plague rats through seventeeth century London. Sometimes there is no balance. Sometimes one group were a pack of psychotic maniacs and that's it. As for cultural sensitivity and social relevance the only relevance and sensitivity history can possess is that of the time being documented. If that doesn't happen to conform with todays standards then that's just tough.
History gets rewritten on an almost daily basis as we either discover more or wish to hide more. Opinion is divided as to which of the above is gaining the upper hand. The kindest thing one can say about history is that it is absolutely fascinating. Maybe things did happen the way the historians said and maybe they didn't but whichever it's a great story. It's the story of people and however wrong we get it as long as we remember that its about people we won't get it completely wrong. Unless you're using this blog to help in your studies of course.
There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn't trust historians and the first although by no means most important is the likelihood that they just don't know what the hell was going on. The study of history has been likened to attempting to do a jigsaw puzzle with no picture and 98% of the pieces missing. The more comprehensive and detailed the information the more likely it is to have been extrapolated into existence from a pitiful handful of clues which are usually open to multiple interpretations. Especially if you want to open them to multiple interpretations. This leads me to my second reason for not trusting historians; they usually have an axe to grind.
If you have made the study of history your lifes vocation, to the point where you are now writing books on the subject then history is very important to you. You will no doubt have your own theories on how to interpret evidence and your own opinions on which events were the most significant and why. To put it another way when you write your work of history you are not telling what happened you are telling what you think happened. Or what you think ought to have happened. Or what you really would have liked to have happened. Or possibly you're just a pathological liar. Even if you strive for objectivity your own opinions and the quality of your education will colour what you write.
History should really come with a disclaimer, something along the lines of "the following is a true story only the facts have been changed" or rewritten, or misinterpreted. Anyone who reads this blog (hi mum) will know that I toss in some historical comment myself. Anybody whose knowledge of history was nil could be forgiven for thinking I know what I'm talking about. And I really don't. To write the history of anything well you have to like it and if you like it then that noise you hear is your objectivity quietly leaving the room.
I'm fascinated with the Byzantine and Habsburg empires. I buy every book I can afford on both subjects. I have built in my own mind a structure of what each empire was like and even I am capable of telling that it is probably wildly inaccurate. The Byzantine empire lasted for over a thousand years, the Habsburg empire for half that long. To accurately document the complete history of either is probably impossible. Neither was particularly interested in leaving a disinterested summary of their successes and failures. The result is our sources tend to praise them to the skies or consider them to be harbingers of the Anti Christ. At various times and places either description has a certain amount of justification.
Edward Gibbon did such a knife job on the Byzantine empire that it took a century for scholars to get a slightly less jaundiced view of it. Yet Gibbon wasn't deliberately trying to make Byzantium look bad, he just thought it was bad and wrote accordingly. The first book I read on Byzantium was written by someone who obviously loved it tremendously and he was a good enough writer to impress that on me to the point where I wanted to know more. Since then I have read several more balanced (or at least more detailed) histories and know that the first gloss wasn't necessarily accurate. Nevertheless that first impression has never quite faded and it would be a braver man than me to accuse the author of gilding the lily. He wrote as he saw it and he wrote well.
My own little historical bits are somewhat less forgiveable. I don't actually make things up but I rarely strive for historical accuracy to the exclusion of a good (or bad) joke. And my fact checking makes Wikipedia look like the Encyclopedia Britannica. It is my dearest wish that one day some deeply ignorant person will download one of my historical blogs and use it as the basis of an essay for which they will confidently expect high marks. Imagining the look on their face when their paper is returned gives me a little malicious amusement.
Another thing which threatens to make history less accurate is the desire (frequently unconscious) to make it conform to modern attitudes and behaviour. Terms like "balance", "cultural sensitivity" and "social relevance" wander through modern discussions of history like plague rats through seventeeth century London. Sometimes there is no balance. Sometimes one group were a pack of psychotic maniacs and that's it. As for cultural sensitivity and social relevance the only relevance and sensitivity history can possess is that of the time being documented. If that doesn't happen to conform with todays standards then that's just tough.
History gets rewritten on an almost daily basis as we either discover more or wish to hide more. Opinion is divided as to which of the above is gaining the upper hand. The kindest thing one can say about history is that it is absolutely fascinating. Maybe things did happen the way the historians said and maybe they didn't but whichever it's a great story. It's the story of people and however wrong we get it as long as we remember that its about people we won't get it completely wrong. Unless you're using this blog to help in your studies of course.
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