The sun is shining, the day is cold and crisp. It is a perfect Winter's day. The only problem is, it isn't Winter. Officially we still have a few weeks of Autumn or, as our American cousins insist on calling it, Fall. As season names go it has the advantage of brevity but I don't understand why the Americans didn't go the whole hog and rename the other seasons Burn, Freeze and Grow respectively. Possibly because college students would feel like idiots going to Cancun on Grow Break. And would Donna Summer have been quite so popular if her name was Donna Burn?
This is the sort of question that occupies my mind when I should be studying for my AML diploma. The only time my mind thinks about AML is when I'm boring others who have absolutely no interest in the topic. Hopefully my exam will be in the format of a conversation with the disinterested.
Still, I wouldn't mind calling Summer, Burn. The only problem with naming the seasons like this is that it becomes a little too location specific. Burn, Fall, Freeze and Grow might be fine for the United States and parts of Europe but the equivalent in Antarctica would be Freeze, Freeze More, Freeze to an Unbelievable Level and Still Freeze but with Penguins Hatching. This would probably become annoying after a while.
Speaking of penguins has anybody noticed that emperor penguins are the only southern hemisphere animal to travel south for the Winter? Apparently the coastline of Antarctica just isn't cold, bleak and desolate enough for them. I can actually understand the rationale behind this. If you can adapt to living in a frozen hell (and bits of Hell are frozen, just ask Dante) then predators and competitors for the local food supply are likely to be few and far between. Although so is the local food supply.
Personally I think penguins should have stuck to more temperate climes. Yes; the competition would have been fiercer but any bird that can adapt to living in the antarctic can surely adapt to this. All it would have to do is grow bigger, fiercer, faster and get some serious teeth and claws. Oh wait a minute. Some penguins did do that only when they did it we started calling them tigers.
Friday, May 18, 2012
That Thing Too Embarrassed to Show its own Face is Democracy
Big news from the United States. Mike the Headless Chicken has thrown his hat into the ring as a candidate for the 2012 presidential election. It remains to be seen what exactly will differentiate him from the headless chickens already in the race. Nevertheless this remains the most significant political news to come out of America since Cthulhu ran for president under the slogan "Why Settle for the Lesser Evil?"
It must be conceded there are a few stumbling blocks to Mike's campaign. Firstly; he's dead, although to be fair that didn't stop Reagan winning a second term. Secondly; he's a chicken but since he can produce evidence that he was born in the United States that shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps his biggest difficulty will be mobilising nationwide support. He's popular locally (there's a statue to him in his home town) but Rudy Giuliani proved how difficult it is to translate local support into a genuine broad based movement. Still, I can't wait for the candidate debates. Democracy can only be the winner.
To see a place where democracy is a loser you only have to travel to Greece. The Greeks have just had an election the only tangible results of which were terror on the financial markets and a stern injunction from their president to do it again and get it right this time. The Greeks voted for a kaleidoscope of parties from the lunar right to the nut case left with the only consistent theme being that the mainstream parties should be hung upside down and bastinadoed until their feet fell off. Not surprisingly no party could cobble together a coalition and the Greeks are going to have to go through the whole tedious process again in a few weeks.
The response to this has been panic across Europe as policy makers realise that the prospects of Greece paying its bills, not defaulting and staying in the euro are diminishing by the hour. All in all Greece hasn't had this sort of impact on the world since the days of Alexander the Great. Personally I don't have much sympathy for the Europeans; they are in the position of owners of a family company who suddenly realise that their idiot cousin has blown all of the company's money on coke and hookers. My lack of sympathy derives from the fact that the people currently throwing up their hands in horror were the ones who promoted the idiot cousin to the board in the first place. Although if the Greeks really had spent all that money on coke and hookers its arguable that their economy would likely be in better shape.
It must be conceded there are a few stumbling blocks to Mike's campaign. Firstly; he's dead, although to be fair that didn't stop Reagan winning a second term. Secondly; he's a chicken but since he can produce evidence that he was born in the United States that shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps his biggest difficulty will be mobilising nationwide support. He's popular locally (there's a statue to him in his home town) but Rudy Giuliani proved how difficult it is to translate local support into a genuine broad based movement. Still, I can't wait for the candidate debates. Democracy can only be the winner.
To see a place where democracy is a loser you only have to travel to Greece. The Greeks have just had an election the only tangible results of which were terror on the financial markets and a stern injunction from their president to do it again and get it right this time. The Greeks voted for a kaleidoscope of parties from the lunar right to the nut case left with the only consistent theme being that the mainstream parties should be hung upside down and bastinadoed until their feet fell off. Not surprisingly no party could cobble together a coalition and the Greeks are going to have to go through the whole tedious process again in a few weeks.
The response to this has been panic across Europe as policy makers realise that the prospects of Greece paying its bills, not defaulting and staying in the euro are diminishing by the hour. All in all Greece hasn't had this sort of impact on the world since the days of Alexander the Great. Personally I don't have much sympathy for the Europeans; they are in the position of owners of a family company who suddenly realise that their idiot cousin has blown all of the company's money on coke and hookers. My lack of sympathy derives from the fact that the people currently throwing up their hands in horror were the ones who promoted the idiot cousin to the board in the first place. Although if the Greeks really had spent all that money on coke and hookers its arguable that their economy would likely be in better shape.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Another Silly After Action Report
On September 1st 1942 elements of the German army on the eastern front prepared to launch a counter attack to eliminate the Soviet bridgehead at Serafomovich. But who cares about that? A little further down the line the soldiers of the Italian "Tridentina" alpine division are hitching up their belts, chasing the chickens out of their tanks and trying to remember where they left their ammunition. They too are preparing to attack.
Yesterdays ASL game saw me pitted against Ivan Kent in Scenario J130: The Art of Dying. Ivan and I have similar skill levels (he's new, I'm an idiot) so the signs were auspicious for a good game. The Art of Dying pits a force of fourteen Italian squads (half elite, half first line) attempting to capture a small village against a defending force of six and a half Soviet squads. The Soviets have a medium machine gun, a pair of 76mm artillery pieces and a 9-0 commissar to tend to the men's political needs. The Italian attack force is bolstered by a mmg, a flamethrower, a pair of demo charges and five L6/40 light tanks. Starting on turn 2 the beleaguered Soviet garrison is reinforced by nine more squads (three of them elite), a pair of T-60 tanks (easily a match for the L6s in general crappiness) and an awesome 10-0 commissar.
So, to begin: Ivan set up the bulk of his force a little back from the front line defending the woods and the graveyard. The halfsquad with the mmg was naturally in the church steeple, lord of all it surveyed, and a squad each in the two outlying buildings in the west. The commissar lurked on the ground floor of the church ready to issue the "last ration of the Soviet state" to anybody who broke under fire. One of the 76s was placed near the church to cover the road and the graveyard and the other nestled in the western hex of the X13 building overlay.
My initial attack plan focused on taking out the two immediate threats, the mmg and what was obviously a squad with an ATR set up in 19N2 a little separate from his main defensive line that was obviously hoping to take out a tank or two. These two locations plus a little preparation to deal with the upcoming reinforcements dictated my initial deployment. I set up the bulk of the elite troops in and around the eastern edge of the woods to deal with that outlying squad and hopefully set myself up for some mmg shots at the steeple crew. I put a 346 with an lmg in the grainfield from where it could easily establish itself in a building and cover the southern part of his reinforcements entry area. Two 346 squads plus the 7-0 leader were placed far to the west to do a diversionary loop round the hill mass and hopefully give the his mmg something relatively unimportant to shoot at. I brought one tank in straight up over the hill in the hopes of taking out that mmg while the other four advanced up the open ground to the east to cover the rest of the reinforcement entry area.
Oddly immediate success turned out to be almost unsettling as failure. True, first blood went to Ivan when I idiotically moved a 346 squad up onto the hill only to have it killed outright by the mmg crew but everything else went according to plan. My diversionary force (which diverted virtually nothing) made it around the hill and advanced daringly into the open. The remainder of my force crawled forward through the forest, elite units on the right regulars on the left, to position themselves for a brutal struggle next turn. Only it didn't quite happen like that. True his mmg broke and ELRed one of my diversionary squads sending it yelping back to the 7-0 waiting in the woods for just such an occurrence but everything else went my way. A lucky shot broke the mmg HS in the steeple and his isolated ATR squad in N2 crumbled before my elite troops the surviving HS surrendering. I began my second turn with much of my firepower in the east against no opposition while three first line squads and flamethrower and DC toting halfsquads were pretty much all that could directly attack his main defensive line.
In my second turn I made some gains and also a dreadful mistake which almost cost me the game. My tank on the hill rolled down to freeze one of his building squads in VBM thus affording a certain amount of security to the left flank of the main attack (although it also managed to break its main armament at the same time). Safe(ish) on the left I moved 346 squads up to the graveyard hoping to draw some fire and give an easy path for my flamethrower and DC half squads. It didn't work quite like that. The DC half squad broke while trying to place the DC and the first of the 76s was revealed covering the graveyard. The elite squads spent the turn reorganising themselves and moving up to support their 346 brethren and start flanking the church. Fire was exchanged on both sides and broken units of both nationalities fled to their respective leaders for succour. My two 8-1 leaders, lurking modestly in the woods did a sterling job of rallying the faint hearted (even newly created conscripts) and sending them back into battle. Unfortunately for Ivan his 9-0 commissar went on a demented killing spree. Starting with the HS crewing the mmg this charmer murdered a squad and a half of his own troops in unsuccessful rally attempts. I think Ivan was more pleased that I was when the flamethrower reduced him to a greasy stain on the church wall. I left one elite squad with the mmg in the forest covering the open ground to the east. This would turn out to be a critical act particularly in light of the mistake I made. What was this mistake? With four L6/40 tanks strung out along the board covering the anticipated entry of Ivan's reinforcements I decided they would shoot even better if they they had a good view so I made them all crew exposed. I had forgotten that the L6 has a one man turret and if the commander is looking around at the countryside he can't be firing his gun. In one brilliant stroke I had converted four tanks into free standing steel sculptures of no particular value just as his reinforcements started pouring out of the woods. Matters weren't helped when the mmg broke on its first shot. Ivan sent his pair of tanks around the grainfield in the south, parked right next to one of my helpless L6s and cheerfully shot it to bits. This would be the only tank on tank success for either side. I should have been swamped by the reinforcements but fortunately my only well positioned squad (he of the broken mmg) managed to kill a 7-0 and CR an elite squad with him after which the remainder showed some circumspection which bought me just enough time to capture the church. Broken units from this attack were rallied by my officers and I sent them east to form at least a pretense of a defensive line against the oncoming horde. The propensity of Ivan's commissar for killing his own men greatly helped the attack on the church and when a morale check caused by the 76 resulted in an elite 447 going berserk and charging the gun crew I managed to capture not just the church but the gun as well.
With Ivan's reinforcements not yet in the battlezone I was able to deploy most of my firepower to winkling out the two squads now sitting isolated in the buildings to the west. More VBM sleaze from my helpful L6 gave the one surviving squad from my diversionary force the opportunity to capture a building abandoned by a routing squad despite a positive rain of ATR fire. Over to the east my tankers dropped back into their turrets and looked to see if there was anything they could do. Seeing how useful VBM could be Ivan promptly brought his tanks up to freeze the bulk of my defensive line while his reinforcements scurried across to the woods near the X13 building which Ivan had obviously identified as his last line of defense. The contribution my tanks made to all this? One of them fired on a T-60, broke its main armament and then failed its repair roll and discreetly exited the scene. At this point things stabilised for a while. I had the flamethrower in the church, a captured mmg and the 76 next to it throwing firepower into building X13. Ivan had his remaining 76 holding one hex and kept feeding reinforcements into the other hex to replace the ones my flamethrower burned out. His 10-0 commissar was obviously made of sterner stuff than his 9-0 comrade because he managed to drive his singed troops back into battle with inspiring quotes from Stalin and blood curdling threats to their families. I had four buildings and one gun. I needed another gun or another building hex but I didn't see how I could get it. His seventy six and rotating reinforcements solidly held X13 and I couldn't quite apply enough firepower to suppress enough of them to convince my (now predominantly conscript) force to dash out into the street.
My breakthrough came when Ivan decided to boost the firepower of his defending force by infiltrating one of his tanks (he didn't fail an independent movement roll all game) into the street between the two buildings. Unfortunately in doing so he presented it as a target to my freshly acquired 76. Captured use penalties be damned. Hit, kill, burn. Suddenly a pall of smoke was rising between us and with this impromptu smokescreen my conscripts felt a little better about stepping out into the street. It also meant I could concentrate all my firepower on just one hex. A few surviving squads with an lmg were sent through the woods just to completely divert the occupants of the eastern hex of the building and then I opened up with everything I had on his gun position. The results weren't particularly impressive but Ivan obviously saw the writing on the wall because he took a move that astonished me completely. On the theory that both the building hex and the gun occupying it were now significantly more vulnerable he used a squad to help the gun crew manhandle the gun out of the building to what he considered the safety of the open ground to the rear. The 10-0 commissar also joined the fun. It would turn out disastrously for him though. Firstly with the gun gone my conscripts became very brave indeed and stormed into the building hex (my forest dwellers in the east having lost much blood to divert the troops in the other building hex) and then one of my L6s finally earned its pay. I looked at the squad, gun crew and commissar in the open, counted the hexes, said a quiet prayer and launched my nearest tank on an overrun mission. His shot with the 76 went wide and suddenly six tons of clanking, badly designed death was upon them. The commissar and the squad broke, the gun crew was pinned and my little L6 emerged out the other side covered in glory (and body parts).
With five out of six building hexes lost, one gun captured (and the other about to be seized in CC from its pinned owners) and his sole surviving officer down Ivan conceded giving me a not entirely deserved victory.
Hero of the Week award goes to the flamethrower team who behaved like a pack of pyromaniacs on PCP. Idiot of the Century award goes to me for that one man turret screw up and finally the Most Stereotypical Italian Behaviour award goes to the diversionary squad which if you recall was broken right at the beginning of the game and reduced to a conscript. These heroes failed their first morale check (ok they were under DM). They then rolled snakes on their second morale check and subsequently attempted to surrender. With no Soviets in sight they settled for disrupting. On their third morale check they rolled snakes again and again attempted, without success, to surrender. On their fourth morale check seeing that surrendering wasn't working for them they attempted suicide, boxcars reducing them to a disrupted, conscript half squad. On their fifth morale check what was left of them actually rallied by which time they were far too far away to make any sort of an impact on the battle but just managed to turn up at the end and pretend they had been there all along. Heroes every one of them.
Yesterdays ASL game saw me pitted against Ivan Kent in Scenario J130: The Art of Dying. Ivan and I have similar skill levels (he's new, I'm an idiot) so the signs were auspicious for a good game. The Art of Dying pits a force of fourteen Italian squads (half elite, half first line) attempting to capture a small village against a defending force of six and a half Soviet squads. The Soviets have a medium machine gun, a pair of 76mm artillery pieces and a 9-0 commissar to tend to the men's political needs. The Italian attack force is bolstered by a mmg, a flamethrower, a pair of demo charges and five L6/40 light tanks. Starting on turn 2 the beleaguered Soviet garrison is reinforced by nine more squads (three of them elite), a pair of T-60 tanks (easily a match for the L6s in general crappiness) and an awesome 10-0 commissar.
So, to begin: Ivan set up the bulk of his force a little back from the front line defending the woods and the graveyard. The halfsquad with the mmg was naturally in the church steeple, lord of all it surveyed, and a squad each in the two outlying buildings in the west. The commissar lurked on the ground floor of the church ready to issue the "last ration of the Soviet state" to anybody who broke under fire. One of the 76s was placed near the church to cover the road and the graveyard and the other nestled in the western hex of the X13 building overlay.
My initial attack plan focused on taking out the two immediate threats, the mmg and what was obviously a squad with an ATR set up in 19N2 a little separate from his main defensive line that was obviously hoping to take out a tank or two. These two locations plus a little preparation to deal with the upcoming reinforcements dictated my initial deployment. I set up the bulk of the elite troops in and around the eastern edge of the woods to deal with that outlying squad and hopefully set myself up for some mmg shots at the steeple crew. I put a 346 with an lmg in the grainfield from where it could easily establish itself in a building and cover the southern part of his reinforcements entry area. Two 346 squads plus the 7-0 leader were placed far to the west to do a diversionary loop round the hill mass and hopefully give the his mmg something relatively unimportant to shoot at. I brought one tank in straight up over the hill in the hopes of taking out that mmg while the other four advanced up the open ground to the east to cover the rest of the reinforcement entry area.
Oddly immediate success turned out to be almost unsettling as failure. True, first blood went to Ivan when I idiotically moved a 346 squad up onto the hill only to have it killed outright by the mmg crew but everything else went according to plan. My diversionary force (which diverted virtually nothing) made it around the hill and advanced daringly into the open. The remainder of my force crawled forward through the forest, elite units on the right regulars on the left, to position themselves for a brutal struggle next turn. Only it didn't quite happen like that. True his mmg broke and ELRed one of my diversionary squads sending it yelping back to the 7-0 waiting in the woods for just such an occurrence but everything else went my way. A lucky shot broke the mmg HS in the steeple and his isolated ATR squad in N2 crumbled before my elite troops the surviving HS surrendering. I began my second turn with much of my firepower in the east against no opposition while three first line squads and flamethrower and DC toting halfsquads were pretty much all that could directly attack his main defensive line.
In my second turn I made some gains and also a dreadful mistake which almost cost me the game. My tank on the hill rolled down to freeze one of his building squads in VBM thus affording a certain amount of security to the left flank of the main attack (although it also managed to break its main armament at the same time). Safe(ish) on the left I moved 346 squads up to the graveyard hoping to draw some fire and give an easy path for my flamethrower and DC half squads. It didn't work quite like that. The DC half squad broke while trying to place the DC and the first of the 76s was revealed covering the graveyard. The elite squads spent the turn reorganising themselves and moving up to support their 346 brethren and start flanking the church. Fire was exchanged on both sides and broken units of both nationalities fled to their respective leaders for succour. My two 8-1 leaders, lurking modestly in the woods did a sterling job of rallying the faint hearted (even newly created conscripts) and sending them back into battle. Unfortunately for Ivan his 9-0 commissar went on a demented killing spree. Starting with the HS crewing the mmg this charmer murdered a squad and a half of his own troops in unsuccessful rally attempts. I think Ivan was more pleased that I was when the flamethrower reduced him to a greasy stain on the church wall. I left one elite squad with the mmg in the forest covering the open ground to the east. This would turn out to be a critical act particularly in light of the mistake I made. What was this mistake? With four L6/40 tanks strung out along the board covering the anticipated entry of Ivan's reinforcements I decided they would shoot even better if they they had a good view so I made them all crew exposed. I had forgotten that the L6 has a one man turret and if the commander is looking around at the countryside he can't be firing his gun. In one brilliant stroke I had converted four tanks into free standing steel sculptures of no particular value just as his reinforcements started pouring out of the woods. Matters weren't helped when the mmg broke on its first shot. Ivan sent his pair of tanks around the grainfield in the south, parked right next to one of my helpless L6s and cheerfully shot it to bits. This would be the only tank on tank success for either side. I should have been swamped by the reinforcements but fortunately my only well positioned squad (he of the broken mmg) managed to kill a 7-0 and CR an elite squad with him after which the remainder showed some circumspection which bought me just enough time to capture the church. Broken units from this attack were rallied by my officers and I sent them east to form at least a pretense of a defensive line against the oncoming horde. The propensity of Ivan's commissar for killing his own men greatly helped the attack on the church and when a morale check caused by the 76 resulted in an elite 447 going berserk and charging the gun crew I managed to capture not just the church but the gun as well.
With Ivan's reinforcements not yet in the battlezone I was able to deploy most of my firepower to winkling out the two squads now sitting isolated in the buildings to the west. More VBM sleaze from my helpful L6 gave the one surviving squad from my diversionary force the opportunity to capture a building abandoned by a routing squad despite a positive rain of ATR fire. Over to the east my tankers dropped back into their turrets and looked to see if there was anything they could do. Seeing how useful VBM could be Ivan promptly brought his tanks up to freeze the bulk of my defensive line while his reinforcements scurried across to the woods near the X13 building which Ivan had obviously identified as his last line of defense. The contribution my tanks made to all this? One of them fired on a T-60, broke its main armament and then failed its repair roll and discreetly exited the scene. At this point things stabilised for a while. I had the flamethrower in the church, a captured mmg and the 76 next to it throwing firepower into building X13. Ivan had his remaining 76 holding one hex and kept feeding reinforcements into the other hex to replace the ones my flamethrower burned out. His 10-0 commissar was obviously made of sterner stuff than his 9-0 comrade because he managed to drive his singed troops back into battle with inspiring quotes from Stalin and blood curdling threats to their families. I had four buildings and one gun. I needed another gun or another building hex but I didn't see how I could get it. His seventy six and rotating reinforcements solidly held X13 and I couldn't quite apply enough firepower to suppress enough of them to convince my (now predominantly conscript) force to dash out into the street.
My breakthrough came when Ivan decided to boost the firepower of his defending force by infiltrating one of his tanks (he didn't fail an independent movement roll all game) into the street between the two buildings. Unfortunately in doing so he presented it as a target to my freshly acquired 76. Captured use penalties be damned. Hit, kill, burn. Suddenly a pall of smoke was rising between us and with this impromptu smokescreen my conscripts felt a little better about stepping out into the street. It also meant I could concentrate all my firepower on just one hex. A few surviving squads with an lmg were sent through the woods just to completely divert the occupants of the eastern hex of the building and then I opened up with everything I had on his gun position. The results weren't particularly impressive but Ivan obviously saw the writing on the wall because he took a move that astonished me completely. On the theory that both the building hex and the gun occupying it were now significantly more vulnerable he used a squad to help the gun crew manhandle the gun out of the building to what he considered the safety of the open ground to the rear. The 10-0 commissar also joined the fun. It would turn out disastrously for him though. Firstly with the gun gone my conscripts became very brave indeed and stormed into the building hex (my forest dwellers in the east having lost much blood to divert the troops in the other building hex) and then one of my L6s finally earned its pay. I looked at the squad, gun crew and commissar in the open, counted the hexes, said a quiet prayer and launched my nearest tank on an overrun mission. His shot with the 76 went wide and suddenly six tons of clanking, badly designed death was upon them. The commissar and the squad broke, the gun crew was pinned and my little L6 emerged out the other side covered in glory (and body parts).
With five out of six building hexes lost, one gun captured (and the other about to be seized in CC from its pinned owners) and his sole surviving officer down Ivan conceded giving me a not entirely deserved victory.
Hero of the Week award goes to the flamethrower team who behaved like a pack of pyromaniacs on PCP. Idiot of the Century award goes to me for that one man turret screw up and finally the Most Stereotypical Italian Behaviour award goes to the diversionary squad which if you recall was broken right at the beginning of the game and reduced to a conscript. These heroes failed their first morale check (ok they were under DM). They then rolled snakes on their second morale check and subsequently attempted to surrender. With no Soviets in sight they settled for disrupting. On their third morale check they rolled snakes again and again attempted, without success, to surrender. On their fourth morale check seeing that surrendering wasn't working for them they attempted suicide, boxcars reducing them to a disrupted, conscript half squad. On their fifth morale check what was left of them actually rallied by which time they were far too far away to make any sort of an impact on the battle but just managed to turn up at the end and pretend they had been there all along. Heroes every one of them.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Its A Zombie! Saunter Slowly Away.
Why are zombies so scary? After all they're slow, stupid and their reaction time sucks. If you have to be pursued by a ghastly, netherworldly monster then the zombie is definitely the one to pick. Let's face it you could have nipped out the back door, caught a cab to the airport and be safely on a flight to Bali while the zombie is still lurching up the drive.
Secondly zombies are easy to kill. There's none of this mucking about with wooden stakes or silver bullets. A shotgun loaded with mundane, cost effective pellets will do nicely. Failing that just run them down with your car (note to Morganne; its probably not wise to try this with a bicycle). Zombies definitely got the short straw in the hideous monster stakes. Vampires are cool and murderously sexy, werewolves have that raw animal presence but the poor old zombie is just a badly maintained cadaver.
On the other hand if you get the choice there are a couple of advantages to being a zombie. Unlike the vampire you can be active (very slow but still, technically, active) twenty four hours a day and you aren't expected to spend most of your disposable income on clothes. Being a werewolf might seem fun but think of the shedding issues. At least if a zombie sheds its generally something easy to pick up like an arm.
So there are definite swings and roundabouts to being a zombie but I think the worst part would be the lack of respect. With vampires and werewolves everybody cringes in fear but when zombies attack every two bit convenience store clerk suddenly becomes an action hero. There just isn't the same cachet attached to being a zombie as there is for the more socially acceptable undead types. The zombie leads a bleak, miserable existence shambling slowly after prey it could only hope to catch if its potential victim suffers a heart attack while making its escape. In all seriousness the only thing a zombie has a hope of catching is another zombie. From which we can deduce that the simplest way to deal with the zombie menace is simply to wait until there is only one very fat zombie left. That one probably won't be able to move at all.
Secondly zombies are easy to kill. There's none of this mucking about with wooden stakes or silver bullets. A shotgun loaded with mundane, cost effective pellets will do nicely. Failing that just run them down with your car (note to Morganne; its probably not wise to try this with a bicycle). Zombies definitely got the short straw in the hideous monster stakes. Vampires are cool and murderously sexy, werewolves have that raw animal presence but the poor old zombie is just a badly maintained cadaver.
On the other hand if you get the choice there are a couple of advantages to being a zombie. Unlike the vampire you can be active (very slow but still, technically, active) twenty four hours a day and you aren't expected to spend most of your disposable income on clothes. Being a werewolf might seem fun but think of the shedding issues. At least if a zombie sheds its generally something easy to pick up like an arm.
So there are definite swings and roundabouts to being a zombie but I think the worst part would be the lack of respect. With vampires and werewolves everybody cringes in fear but when zombies attack every two bit convenience store clerk suddenly becomes an action hero. There just isn't the same cachet attached to being a zombie as there is for the more socially acceptable undead types. The zombie leads a bleak, miserable existence shambling slowly after prey it could only hope to catch if its potential victim suffers a heart attack while making its escape. In all seriousness the only thing a zombie has a hope of catching is another zombie. From which we can deduce that the simplest way to deal with the zombie menace is simply to wait until there is only one very fat zombie left. That one probably won't be able to move at all.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Birthday Greetings# 27
Happy birthday to Theodosius II, Byzantine emperor. Theodosius reigned (ruled would be an exaggeration) from 408-50AD during which time he achieved a lot by doing not very much. Granted the fifth century wasn't an easy time to be a Byzantine emperor, revenues were down, barbarian raids were up, and the christian church kept finding new and interesting ways of splitting itself into mutually hostile factions.
Coming to the throne at the age of seven Theodosius wasn't really involved too much in decision taking at the start of his reign and he seems to have decided that this was a good way to continue. He was fortunate in having a number of talented advisers who were quite happy to tell him what to do. The first was his praetorian prefect Anthemius. Anthemius was quite a hot talent, he made peace with the Persians, reorganised the grain supply of Constantinople so people didn't starve quite as much and built the Theodosian Walls surrounding Constantinople. If Anthemius had been emperor they would have been called the Anthemian Walls but such is life.
When Anthemius disappeared (nobody seems quite sure what happened to him) Theodosius' sister took over as principal advisor. Wars with the Huns, Vandals and Persians followed but this was probably just a coincidence. Theodosius lost to the Huns and the Vandals but managed a nil all draw with Persians probably to everyone's surprise. In between these events he somehow found time to found the University of Constantinople and appoint a commission to codify the laws of the empire. Since the laws of the empire were largely a combination of precedent and what various emperors had found expedient at the time it was quite a job. Still something was achieved and the results were promulgated as the Codex Theodosianus.
Getting a massive set of walls and a codex named after you is no mean achievement for somebody who would probably struggle to pass a civil service entrance exam. When it came to religious disputes Theodosius was just as good as everybody else in sorting them out which is to say he was utterly useless. Its hard to fault him on this however as religious disputation was pretty much a sport in the empire which everybody played. It made things a bit tense at times (to say nothing of bloody and horrifying) but at least it gave people something to do. Nestorianism made its appearance during his reign (Nestorius had made the mistake of getting involved in the dispute over whether the Virgin Mary could be called the mother of God seeing as how God had always existed and therefore couldn't have a mother. Nestorius proposed a compromise whereby she was called the mother of Christ. Like most compromises this united both factions in hating the person who suggested it). Nestorius had been appointed patriarch of Constantinople by Theodosius who was now persuaded to unappoint him.
Eventually Theodosius died in a riding accident having muddled through for more than forty years. One suspects that his longevity was enhanced by the realisation among his courtiers that whoever replaced him was unlikely to be as easygoing.
Coming to the throne at the age of seven Theodosius wasn't really involved too much in decision taking at the start of his reign and he seems to have decided that this was a good way to continue. He was fortunate in having a number of talented advisers who were quite happy to tell him what to do. The first was his praetorian prefect Anthemius. Anthemius was quite a hot talent, he made peace with the Persians, reorganised the grain supply of Constantinople so people didn't starve quite as much and built the Theodosian Walls surrounding Constantinople. If Anthemius had been emperor they would have been called the Anthemian Walls but such is life.
When Anthemius disappeared (nobody seems quite sure what happened to him) Theodosius' sister took over as principal advisor. Wars with the Huns, Vandals and Persians followed but this was probably just a coincidence. Theodosius lost to the Huns and the Vandals but managed a nil all draw with Persians probably to everyone's surprise. In between these events he somehow found time to found the University of Constantinople and appoint a commission to codify the laws of the empire. Since the laws of the empire were largely a combination of precedent and what various emperors had found expedient at the time it was quite a job. Still something was achieved and the results were promulgated as the Codex Theodosianus.
Getting a massive set of walls and a codex named after you is no mean achievement for somebody who would probably struggle to pass a civil service entrance exam. When it came to religious disputes Theodosius was just as good as everybody else in sorting them out which is to say he was utterly useless. Its hard to fault him on this however as religious disputation was pretty much a sport in the empire which everybody played. It made things a bit tense at times (to say nothing of bloody and horrifying) but at least it gave people something to do. Nestorianism made its appearance during his reign (Nestorius had made the mistake of getting involved in the dispute over whether the Virgin Mary could be called the mother of God seeing as how God had always existed and therefore couldn't have a mother. Nestorius proposed a compromise whereby she was called the mother of Christ. Like most compromises this united both factions in hating the person who suggested it). Nestorius had been appointed patriarch of Constantinople by Theodosius who was now persuaded to unappoint him.
Eventually Theodosius died in a riding accident having muddled through for more than forty years. One suspects that his longevity was enhanced by the realisation among his courtiers that whoever replaced him was unlikely to be as easygoing.
The Leviathan Will Kick the Kraken's Arse and Floss With a Tentacle Afterwards
How can you tell the difference between a kraken and a leviathan? Simple, count the tentacles. If you get as far as one it isn't the leviathan. For those who want something a little more specific the leviathan is the one that guards the gates of Hell and the kraken is the dozy one that spends most of its time sleeping around Greenland. In the kraken's defence there isn't a hell of a lot to do on a Friday night in Greenland.
The leviathan interest me though, especially the bit about guarding the gates of Hell. Has anybody else noticed that in virtually every mythology there is some sort of monstrous beast guarding the gates of Hell? Why? Is there a dress code or something? If you pop out for a cigarette does the leviathan have to stamp your arm before you're let back in? What exactly was the conversation that took place when Hell was being designed?
"OK, flames; check, unimaginable torments; check, dark fallen angels; check, souls of the damned to undergo aforementioned unimaginable torments; check. So what else do we need? Oh yes, a door bitch."
I'm sure various religious scholars will point out that the purpose of these multifarious guardians is not to keep people out but to keep the damned in. That's even more stupid, you create a place where the damned will be tortured for all eternity but you need a guard on the door to stop them wandering off. Somebody didn't come up with an effective security system before rushing the designs through council.
I wonder how much something like the leviathan charges for its services? After all its on the job 24-7 and that's before you factor in penalty rates, overtime and religious holidays. Frankly I think it would make more sense to get rid of the door keeper and just put Hell on the honour system. Sure you'd lose a few but there's always more turning up and it isn't like you're going get audited or anything. Even if you were any sensible auditor would measure up the likelihood of turning up again on a more permanent basis and would probably give the thumbs up to a relatively lax security regime.
All of which means the overworked leviathan can take a well deserved break. It can swim up to Greenland and give that lazy bugger of a kraken a good kicking. Because, let's face it, the kraken has had it easy for far too long. Sure it wakes up from time to time to drag some hapless ship to a watery doom but most of the time it just wallows around sleeping. In the gruesome, mythical beast job description lottery the kraken definitely got the edge on the leviathan. A little payback is in order I think and the leviathan is the creature for the job. While the kraken has been getting fat and lazy among the ice flows the leviathan has kept down to a trim fighting weight chasing would be escapees all around Hell's front yard. It probably even had to take Cerberus for walkies. It wouldn't even be a contest, there would be a brief flurry of bubbles off the coast of Greenland and then we'll all be eating Leviathan brand calamari. The kraken will rise all right but only if it wasn't properly refrigerated.
The leviathan interest me though, especially the bit about guarding the gates of Hell. Has anybody else noticed that in virtually every mythology there is some sort of monstrous beast guarding the gates of Hell? Why? Is there a dress code or something? If you pop out for a cigarette does the leviathan have to stamp your arm before you're let back in? What exactly was the conversation that took place when Hell was being designed?
"OK, flames; check, unimaginable torments; check, dark fallen angels; check, souls of the damned to undergo aforementioned unimaginable torments; check. So what else do we need? Oh yes, a door bitch."
I'm sure various religious scholars will point out that the purpose of these multifarious guardians is not to keep people out but to keep the damned in. That's even more stupid, you create a place where the damned will be tortured for all eternity but you need a guard on the door to stop them wandering off. Somebody didn't come up with an effective security system before rushing the designs through council.
I wonder how much something like the leviathan charges for its services? After all its on the job 24-7 and that's before you factor in penalty rates, overtime and religious holidays. Frankly I think it would make more sense to get rid of the door keeper and just put Hell on the honour system. Sure you'd lose a few but there's always more turning up and it isn't like you're going get audited or anything. Even if you were any sensible auditor would measure up the likelihood of turning up again on a more permanent basis and would probably give the thumbs up to a relatively lax security regime.
All of which means the overworked leviathan can take a well deserved break. It can swim up to Greenland and give that lazy bugger of a kraken a good kicking. Because, let's face it, the kraken has had it easy for far too long. Sure it wakes up from time to time to drag some hapless ship to a watery doom but most of the time it just wallows around sleeping. In the gruesome, mythical beast job description lottery the kraken definitely got the edge on the leviathan. A little payback is in order I think and the leviathan is the creature for the job. While the kraken has been getting fat and lazy among the ice flows the leviathan has kept down to a trim fighting weight chasing would be escapees all around Hell's front yard. It probably even had to take Cerberus for walkies. It wouldn't even be a contest, there would be a brief flurry of bubbles off the coast of Greenland and then we'll all be eating Leviathan brand calamari. The kraken will rise all right but only if it wasn't properly refrigerated.
The Salmonella Curse
Macbeth is cursed apparently. Anybody who scanned his career trajectory as depicted by Shakespeare would probably agree but I was actually referring to the play itself. Tradition (that handy reference point when actual facts or sheer commonsense are absent or inconvenient) claims that "the Scottish Play" is cursed which makes me wonder why anyone puts it on at all. Apparently the curse doesn't stop some people making money out of it. To be fair with a plot line composed of equal parts of sex, murder and black magic probably the only real surprise is that it hasn't been made into a video game but surely if there was any genuine cursy activity going on surely people would be a little more hesitant about producing it. Macbeth is ideal curse material of course, what with people getting murdered all over the place and general gruesomeness abounding. It would be a little difficult to persuade somebody that As You Like It was cursed. Even the dodgiest tradition needs a little something to work with and Macbeth provides it in spades.
On second thoughts possibly a curse isn't enough to scare anyone away. The lure of money is pretty powerful and has proved to be capable of getting people to risk genuine curses not just ones cobbled together in the fifteenth century to provide an excuse for shoddy stage management and drunken actors. Still everybody loves tradition and if its a creepy one so much the better. At this point it would be positively mean to explode the myth. Which is why the recent incapacitation of half the cast of the Bell Shakespeare Company's production of Macbeth with food poisoning is such good news. It is particularly good news for whoever is responsible as they can just claim it was the curse. For the company it is excellent if somewhat stomache churning publicity. I for one will be going to see it if only for the possibility that all the main actors will be going off like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I might not get front row seats though.
On second thoughts possibly a curse isn't enough to scare anyone away. The lure of money is pretty powerful and has proved to be capable of getting people to risk genuine curses not just ones cobbled together in the fifteenth century to provide an excuse for shoddy stage management and drunken actors. Still everybody loves tradition and if its a creepy one so much the better. At this point it would be positively mean to explode the myth. Which is why the recent incapacitation of half the cast of the Bell Shakespeare Company's production of Macbeth with food poisoning is such good news. It is particularly good news for whoever is responsible as they can just claim it was the curse. For the company it is excellent if somewhat stomache churning publicity. I for one will be going to see it if only for the possibility that all the main actors will be going off like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I might not get front row seats though.
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