Friday, November 12, 2010
Domestic Tip #63
When engaged in housework clean the filthiest things last. Otherwise the cleaning tools that made them look lovely will make everything else look dreadful.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Flee; It's the String Monster!!
The Hadron Supercollider is at it again, happily at work banging bits of things into other bits of things. Apparently by running lead atom nuclei into each other scientists have managed to create a series of miniature big bangs. At least they say its scientists, personally I suspect that the nightwatchman and the cleaning staff were a little bored one night and decided to see what would happen if they pressed the big button. Besides "miniature big bangs?". Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't a miniature big bang just a bang? I can produce the same result by blowing up a paper bag and hitting it smartly. I can see why the scientists (or cleaning staff) went with the miniature big bang title though. Can you imagine persuading various governments and research bodies to part with billions of dollars to dig almost thirty kilometres of tunnels and build a whacking great machine simply to create bangs? I think the marketing guys have been at work with the title.
So instead of bangs we have miniature big bangs which dovetail nicely with the miniature black holes that were supposed to be created but apparently weren't. I must say so far the Hadron Supercollider has been a bit of a disappointment, no mini black holes and only modest sized bangs. On balance the entire proceedings appear to have been a waste of lead. I hope they recycled the electrons. Even the name is a bit of a puff piece. The Hadron Supercollider? They could have just called it the Collider. Its entirely possible the people who put up the money though they were funding an amusement park ride. Roll up, roll up take a ride on the fabulous Hadron Supercollider. With over twenty kilometres of tunnels to employ I think an amusement park ride is still a viable option when the scientists get tired of making bangs.
Ah, mini big bangs, tiny black holes, breaking sub atomic particles into even subber atomic particles; there seems to be no end of really small things the scientists in charge of the supercollider can have fun with. One of the big (and by "big" I mean really, really small) things they are angling for is a complete understanding of string theory. Does anybody remember a time when a complete understanding of something was a prerequisite before turning on a machine that cost billions of dollars and just might blow the Earth out the back of the universe? Still the latest results are getting us a little closer to proving string theory. This is fantastic news for the dozen or so people on the planet for whom string theory doesn't involve a cat and a ball of yarn. For the rest of us it is sufficient to know that string theory is one of those things which if proven will mean that everything we thought we knew about the universe is completely wrong. After string theory is proved you'll never look at a plate of spaghetti in the same way again. String itself will be kept in a secure underground vault in order to protect the public. While its there scientists will, no doubt, shoot lead atom nuclei into it to see what happens.
I envisage a ninety foot tall, ravening string monster crushing our cities and laying waste to our civilisation. While stringmageddon takes place those humans who survived the initial carnage will have to cower in tunnels underground until the Great Fraying occurs. Fortunately there are some ready made tunnels just waiting for us in Europe. However we may have to put up with being hit by the occasional lead atom nucleus.
So instead of bangs we have miniature big bangs which dovetail nicely with the miniature black holes that were supposed to be created but apparently weren't. I must say so far the Hadron Supercollider has been a bit of a disappointment, no mini black holes and only modest sized bangs. On balance the entire proceedings appear to have been a waste of lead. I hope they recycled the electrons. Even the name is a bit of a puff piece. The Hadron Supercollider? They could have just called it the Collider. Its entirely possible the people who put up the money though they were funding an amusement park ride. Roll up, roll up take a ride on the fabulous Hadron Supercollider. With over twenty kilometres of tunnels to employ I think an amusement park ride is still a viable option when the scientists get tired of making bangs.
Ah, mini big bangs, tiny black holes, breaking sub atomic particles into even subber atomic particles; there seems to be no end of really small things the scientists in charge of the supercollider can have fun with. One of the big (and by "big" I mean really, really small) things they are angling for is a complete understanding of string theory. Does anybody remember a time when a complete understanding of something was a prerequisite before turning on a machine that cost billions of dollars and just might blow the Earth out the back of the universe? Still the latest results are getting us a little closer to proving string theory. This is fantastic news for the dozen or so people on the planet for whom string theory doesn't involve a cat and a ball of yarn. For the rest of us it is sufficient to know that string theory is one of those things which if proven will mean that everything we thought we knew about the universe is completely wrong. After string theory is proved you'll never look at a plate of spaghetti in the same way again. String itself will be kept in a secure underground vault in order to protect the public. While its there scientists will, no doubt, shoot lead atom nuclei into it to see what happens.
I envisage a ninety foot tall, ravening string monster crushing our cities and laying waste to our civilisation. While stringmageddon takes place those humans who survived the initial carnage will have to cower in tunnels underground until the Great Fraying occurs. Fortunately there are some ready made tunnels just waiting for us in Europe. However we may have to put up with being hit by the occasional lead atom nucleus.
Birthday Greetings #18
Happy birthday to Field Marshal Franz Conrad von Hötzendorf who was Chief of Staff of the Imperial and Royal Army of the Austro Hungarian empire for most of the First World War. I used to think that the Habsburgs recruited their soldiers without much discrimination but a glance over the past few weeks leads me to believe that they actually appointed soldiers to high command on the basis of when they were born.
Conrad was born in Vienna to minor Bohemian nobility and entered the army pretty soon after he was weaned. Once there he never left. He has been accounted a military genius by some commentators. I can't help thinking these people should read a history of World War I to see which side won. It wasn't Conrad's. Nevertheless it is entirely possible that if Conrad had never commanded in a major war he could have gone to the grave with his military reputation intact (World War I might have been avoided too). Certainly he was intelligent (he wrote a book on tactics that wasn't exposed as idiocy until after it had been implemented), he was also a good lower and medium level commander. During the course of his career whatever unit he commanded was always the best trained and most efficient in the army. He was a firm believer in realistic training at a time when the Habsburg army considered its soldiers battleready if they could parade before the emperor without dropping their rifles. He also had a keen interest in the welfare of his troops and the advantages technology could bring to the army (he tried to get trucks introduced to transport supplies but the idea was scotched when the emperor pointed out they might scare the horses). His tactical and strategic planning was also of a high level but when he exercised it in war he revealed a spectacular flaw. He seemed to possess no grasp of reality.
Conrad's battleplans were brilliant but they took no account of weather, terrain, enemy resistance or the condition of his own troops. Nobody knew better than Conrad the weaknesses of the Habsburg army, he had spent much of peacetime trying to correct them, but when war came he insisted on behaving as though he commanded an entire army of Prussian Guards. When his troops failed him he merely drove the survivors on more ruthlessly thus throwing good lives after bad. The Habsburg army he commanded was not as strong as the German or Russian but it was capable of much in careful hands. Conrad's hands proved to be incredibly reckless. He never learned from experience either, his plans for attacking in Italy in 1918 were as divorced from reality as his plans for attacking Russia in 1914.
Conrad was made Chief of the General Staff (official command of the army was vested in the Habsburg archduke who looked best in uniform) in 1905 at the behest of Archduke Franz Ferdinand the emperor's heir who was building his own powerbase in anticipation of his uncle's death. Foolishly as it turned out, waiting for Franz Josef to die was not a good career move. Pretty much from the moment he got the top job Conrad started agitating for a war. The target of his aggression was charmingly catholic, he advocated a war with pretty much everyone except Germany at some point or other. Italy and Serbia were his top two choices, however. He kept coming back to these and eventually got his way.
My personal opinion is that Conrad, a committed social darwinist, and certain other members of the imperial hierarchy deliberately (consciously or unconsciously) egged the empire on to commit suicide. It was obvious that the empire was decaying, the old loyalties were fading and in their place were nationalistic sympathies that had no home in the polyglot realm of the Habsburgs. A proud man, commanding a proud army Conrad simply refused to go quietly into the night. If the empire must die then it would go down fighting. Not that Conrad meant to lose, he played to win even when he didn't have the cards but his private writings indicate a far more realistic appraisal of the empires chances even at the beginning of the war. Conrad probably thought that a swift, victorious war would revitalise the empire. He may even have been right, temporarily, but his own assessment of the war that he helped to start and its likely outcome is probably his best claim to military genius. From the first day he predicted that his side would lose and the empire would be destroyed.
After the war ended he settled in the rump of Austria and wrote his memoirs where he pointed out that his genius had been betrayed by the inefficiency of his soldiers. Over a million dead Habsburg soldiers could, with more justification, claim that their loyalty had been betrayed by the inefficiency of their leaders.
Conrad was born in Vienna to minor Bohemian nobility and entered the army pretty soon after he was weaned. Once there he never left. He has been accounted a military genius by some commentators. I can't help thinking these people should read a history of World War I to see which side won. It wasn't Conrad's. Nevertheless it is entirely possible that if Conrad had never commanded in a major war he could have gone to the grave with his military reputation intact (World War I might have been avoided too). Certainly he was intelligent (he wrote a book on tactics that wasn't exposed as idiocy until after it had been implemented), he was also a good lower and medium level commander. During the course of his career whatever unit he commanded was always the best trained and most efficient in the army. He was a firm believer in realistic training at a time when the Habsburg army considered its soldiers battleready if they could parade before the emperor without dropping their rifles. He also had a keen interest in the welfare of his troops and the advantages technology could bring to the army (he tried to get trucks introduced to transport supplies but the idea was scotched when the emperor pointed out they might scare the horses). His tactical and strategic planning was also of a high level but when he exercised it in war he revealed a spectacular flaw. He seemed to possess no grasp of reality.
Conrad's battleplans were brilliant but they took no account of weather, terrain, enemy resistance or the condition of his own troops. Nobody knew better than Conrad the weaknesses of the Habsburg army, he had spent much of peacetime trying to correct them, but when war came he insisted on behaving as though he commanded an entire army of Prussian Guards. When his troops failed him he merely drove the survivors on more ruthlessly thus throwing good lives after bad. The Habsburg army he commanded was not as strong as the German or Russian but it was capable of much in careful hands. Conrad's hands proved to be incredibly reckless. He never learned from experience either, his plans for attacking in Italy in 1918 were as divorced from reality as his plans for attacking Russia in 1914.
Conrad was made Chief of the General Staff (official command of the army was vested in the Habsburg archduke who looked best in uniform) in 1905 at the behest of Archduke Franz Ferdinand the emperor's heir who was building his own powerbase in anticipation of his uncle's death. Foolishly as it turned out, waiting for Franz Josef to die was not a good career move. Pretty much from the moment he got the top job Conrad started agitating for a war. The target of his aggression was charmingly catholic, he advocated a war with pretty much everyone except Germany at some point or other. Italy and Serbia were his top two choices, however. He kept coming back to these and eventually got his way.
My personal opinion is that Conrad, a committed social darwinist, and certain other members of the imperial hierarchy deliberately (consciously or unconsciously) egged the empire on to commit suicide. It was obvious that the empire was decaying, the old loyalties were fading and in their place were nationalistic sympathies that had no home in the polyglot realm of the Habsburgs. A proud man, commanding a proud army Conrad simply refused to go quietly into the night. If the empire must die then it would go down fighting. Not that Conrad meant to lose, he played to win even when he didn't have the cards but his private writings indicate a far more realistic appraisal of the empires chances even at the beginning of the war. Conrad probably thought that a swift, victorious war would revitalise the empire. He may even have been right, temporarily, but his own assessment of the war that he helped to start and its likely outcome is probably his best claim to military genius. From the first day he predicted that his side would lose and the empire would be destroyed.
After the war ended he settled in the rump of Austria and wrote his memoirs where he pointed out that his genius had been betrayed by the inefficiency of his soldiers. Over a million dead Habsburg soldiers could, with more justification, claim that their loyalty had been betrayed by the inefficiency of their leaders.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Don't Bother the Dead, They're Busy Decomposing
I've been thinking of holding a seance. I wasn't planning on contacting anyone in particular, just a general shout out to any of the departed who might have nothing better to do than talk to me. Think of it as the spiritualist equivalent of a facebook entry. Honestly where did anyone get the idea that talking to the dead is a good use of time? Ok, I'll admit it, I talk to the dead occasionally. I'm sure that most people do at one point or another. The strangeness comes when you start expecting the dead to talk back. Strangeness becomes total stupidity when your departed relatives cannot apparently chat to you without the intervention of some person neither of you has ever met before. Apparently the afterlife is on a party line and you have to go through the switchboard. And I thought Australia had a lousy telecommunications network.
It's also interesting to note that nobody in this life thinks that the dead have anything better to do with their (non) lives than hang around waiting for a call. Frankly if the dead wanted a conversation they would call you. Respect their privacy, you don't know what you might be interrupting. Personally once I'm dead I'm going to have the psychic equivalent of call waiting. Should anybody try to contact me all the medium is going to get is "Your call is important to us..." followed by elevator music. Or possibly I could get the hopeful seance holders redirected to a call centre in Tajikistan. One of the advantages to being dead in my opinion is surely a reduction in the amount of junk mail (or at least junk mail that you yourself have to open and deal with). Holding seances and summoning up the dead seems to be a pretty good way to piss them off to my way of thinking. Although if you are going to annoy somebody then a dead person is probably a good place to start. After all, what are they going to do about it? They're dead.
Possibly I'm being a little harsh. On immature reflection it occurs to me that there could be a lot of fun to be had in a seance. Not so much for the participants but for the dead. Think about it, this could be your opportunity to tell your relatives what you really think of them. This is the chance to settle all the old scores that built up during the course of your life. Did you always think your cousins children were poisonous little brats who were heading straight for gaol? Reach out from beyond the grave and tell her so. At the very least it might reduce the number of times your family bothers you when you should be enjoying your well earned rest.
Alternatively you could just screw with their minds. Tell them of a long lost family fortune and then let your voice fade out while giving directions. Or make up some dark family secret; sorrowfully inform your loved ones that an evil nobleman cursed your ancestors and now every member of the family is promised to Satan from birth. Then start screaming and shouting "It burns, it burns". My favourite would be to flatter all the attendees fulsomely and tell them that they were bound for heaven until they broke God's law by conducting a seance. Now they're headed straight for Hell unless they immediately go to Borneo and wash the feet of lepers. There's no end to the amount of fun the dead could have with a seance. What the living get out of it is less easy to determine. Some sort of guarantee that life goes on I suppose. Possibly these people don't understand what the definition of "dead" actually is. There is another possibility as well; talking to the dead is likely to be more entertaining and more useful than talking to many of the living. Particularly if the living people you know spend their time holding seances.
I know that many traditional (read "primitive") cultures have a habit of communicating with the dead or other denizens of the spirit realm. For starters if you weren't good at hunting being a witch doctor would ensure that there was always meat in your pot. They usually had access to any good drugs going around as well. All of the above cultures had a couple of things in common. They had very little leisure time and very little to do with it if they got any. In this day and age we don't need mediums, shamen or witchdoctors; we have playstations.
It's also interesting to note that nobody in this life thinks that the dead have anything better to do with their (non) lives than hang around waiting for a call. Frankly if the dead wanted a conversation they would call you. Respect their privacy, you don't know what you might be interrupting. Personally once I'm dead I'm going to have the psychic equivalent of call waiting. Should anybody try to contact me all the medium is going to get is "Your call is important to us..." followed by elevator music. Or possibly I could get the hopeful seance holders redirected to a call centre in Tajikistan. One of the advantages to being dead in my opinion is surely a reduction in the amount of junk mail (or at least junk mail that you yourself have to open and deal with). Holding seances and summoning up the dead seems to be a pretty good way to piss them off to my way of thinking. Although if you are going to annoy somebody then a dead person is probably a good place to start. After all, what are they going to do about it? They're dead.
Possibly I'm being a little harsh. On immature reflection it occurs to me that there could be a lot of fun to be had in a seance. Not so much for the participants but for the dead. Think about it, this could be your opportunity to tell your relatives what you really think of them. This is the chance to settle all the old scores that built up during the course of your life. Did you always think your cousins children were poisonous little brats who were heading straight for gaol? Reach out from beyond the grave and tell her so. At the very least it might reduce the number of times your family bothers you when you should be enjoying your well earned rest.
Alternatively you could just screw with their minds. Tell them of a long lost family fortune and then let your voice fade out while giving directions. Or make up some dark family secret; sorrowfully inform your loved ones that an evil nobleman cursed your ancestors and now every member of the family is promised to Satan from birth. Then start screaming and shouting "It burns, it burns". My favourite would be to flatter all the attendees fulsomely and tell them that they were bound for heaven until they broke God's law by conducting a seance. Now they're headed straight for Hell unless they immediately go to Borneo and wash the feet of lepers. There's no end to the amount of fun the dead could have with a seance. What the living get out of it is less easy to determine. Some sort of guarantee that life goes on I suppose. Possibly these people don't understand what the definition of "dead" actually is. There is another possibility as well; talking to the dead is likely to be more entertaining and more useful than talking to many of the living. Particularly if the living people you know spend their time holding seances.
I know that many traditional (read "primitive") cultures have a habit of communicating with the dead or other denizens of the spirit realm. For starters if you weren't good at hunting being a witch doctor would ensure that there was always meat in your pot. They usually had access to any good drugs going around as well. All of the above cultures had a couple of things in common. They had very little leisure time and very little to do with it if they got any. In this day and age we don't need mediums, shamen or witchdoctors; we have playstations.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Ho Ho Bloody Ho
Christmas is almost upon us! Saying it like that conjures up an image of Christmas descending from the skies like a vulture, talons outstretched and beak agape. So mission accomplished with that first sentence I guess. Just to establish my credentials as a card carrying member of the consumer society I would like to point out that I love Christmas. I love buying gifts and receiving gifts. I love gathering with my family and have even been known to sing a carol or two. To make things perfectly clear; I love Christmas.
I hate Christmas (ok, who couldn't see that coming). Christmas is the most deeply annoying of holidays. For the next two months virtually everything will be seen through the prism of Christmas. Worthless clowns will expect to be forgiven their monumental failings because "its Christmas". Tinsel will encircle innocent trees like gaudy tentacles. In every home the centrepiece will be a pine tree apparently being attacked by an octopus in drag. Every single retailer of pointless crap in the country will redouble its efforts to sell you things that not only you don't want but that no one on earth would want. If I don't need a silver plated, left handed butt plug with wifi connectivity on the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year why on earth would I need one at Christmas?
From every department store, supermarket and quite small shop carols will blare out to be lost in the cacophony of price checks, bargain offers and shrieking children (and not a few adults). Incidentally, just for the benefit of anyone who might be in doubt, Frosty the fucking Snowman is not a Christmas carol. I am an unashamed atheist but even I feel that Christmas carols should carry some passing reference to God. You know, just a little something to say "cheers for the holiday big fella".
Something else that annoys me about Christmas is that it seems to start earlier each year. I know this isn't a profound comment but honestly we'll be putting up the decorations in August if things go on in this fashion. Even I'm not immune, I'm writing my Christmas blog on the 3rd of November for God's sake. I shouldn't even be thinking about it for another month. One thing I should be thinking about is presents. Buying presents for my family is always a struggle particularly since I tend to do it on December 24th. My father is particularly hard to buy for so over the last decade or two I have settled for buying him silly and pointless curiosities. That way at least one of us has a smile on their face when he opens his present. I wonder how he would react to a left handed butt plug with internet access? Hmmm, I must find that brochure.
This is the great thing about Christmas; you can always find something quirky and interesting and retailers are so keen to sell. And the place looks great with all the tinsel and decorations, even irritating idiots seem to get less so over Christmas. All in all I think Christmas is my favourite holiday celebrating the birth of somebody who nowadays would probably be on a terrorism watch list. Genghiz Khan's birthday was dull by comparison. And as for Buddha, did you know those guys don't drink? How can you get through a religious holiday completely sober?
I hate Christmas (ok, who couldn't see that coming). Christmas is the most deeply annoying of holidays. For the next two months virtually everything will be seen through the prism of Christmas. Worthless clowns will expect to be forgiven their monumental failings because "its Christmas". Tinsel will encircle innocent trees like gaudy tentacles. In every home the centrepiece will be a pine tree apparently being attacked by an octopus in drag. Every single retailer of pointless crap in the country will redouble its efforts to sell you things that not only you don't want but that no one on earth would want. If I don't need a silver plated, left handed butt plug with wifi connectivity on the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year why on earth would I need one at Christmas?
From every department store, supermarket and quite small shop carols will blare out to be lost in the cacophony of price checks, bargain offers and shrieking children (and not a few adults). Incidentally, just for the benefit of anyone who might be in doubt, Frosty the fucking Snowman is not a Christmas carol. I am an unashamed atheist but even I feel that Christmas carols should carry some passing reference to God. You know, just a little something to say "cheers for the holiday big fella".
Something else that annoys me about Christmas is that it seems to start earlier each year. I know this isn't a profound comment but honestly we'll be putting up the decorations in August if things go on in this fashion. Even I'm not immune, I'm writing my Christmas blog on the 3rd of November for God's sake. I shouldn't even be thinking about it for another month. One thing I should be thinking about is presents. Buying presents for my family is always a struggle particularly since I tend to do it on December 24th. My father is particularly hard to buy for so over the last decade or two I have settled for buying him silly and pointless curiosities. That way at least one of us has a smile on their face when he opens his present. I wonder how he would react to a left handed butt plug with internet access? Hmmm, I must find that brochure.
This is the great thing about Christmas; you can always find something quirky and interesting and retailers are so keen to sell. And the place looks great with all the tinsel and decorations, even irritating idiots seem to get less so over Christmas. All in all I think Christmas is my favourite holiday celebrating the birth of somebody who nowadays would probably be on a terrorism watch list. Genghiz Khan's birthday was dull by comparison. And as for Buddha, did you know those guys don't drink? How can you get through a religious holiday completely sober?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Birthday Greetings #17
It's been a busy few weeks for Habsburg military heroes. This time its happy birthday to Field Marshal Johan Josef Wenzel Anton Franz Karl Radetzky von Radetz. More commonly known as Josef Radetzky. Unlike Prince Eugene Radetzky was a home grown military hero born in the then Habsburg province of Bohemia (now in the Czech Republic). A member of the minor nobility (the village that provided his predicate was apparently destroyed in the Hussite Wars) Radetzky was raised by his grandfather after the early death of his parents.
He was sent to the Theresianum an academy set up by Maria Theresa but it was dissolved after his first year and Radetzky went as a cadet to the army. As a junior officer he fought in the Turkish War and then served on the Rhine at the beginning of the series of wars which followed the French revolution. This ushered in a period of time when Radetzky chafed under the direction of officers considerably less talented than himself but despite this and the generally dreadful way the wars went for the Habsburg empire Radetzky managed to distinguish himself and gained constant promotions and imperial recognition.
Between 1809 and 1812 he was chief of the general staff of the army but he resigned the position in protest at treasury obstruction to his attempts at reform. Apparently the treasury insisted that there should actually be money to pay for these. Radetzky became chief of staff to Prince Karl Schwarzenburg who commanded the Austrian forces during the campaigns against Napoleon in Germany in 1813 and in Germany and France in 1814. Schwarzenburg received much criticism for his apparent timidity and reluctance to face Napoleon but he was being guided by Habsburg political imperatives orchestrated by the imperial Chancellor, Metternich. Since Metternich feared and distrusted his allies at least as much as he disliked Napoleon Schwarzenburg had a delicate balancing act to perform. Nevertheless again Radetzky came out of the campaign with his reputation enhanced and a promotion to Lieutenant Field Marshal.
The sudden outbreak of peace at the end of the Napoleonic Wars led to stagnation for Radetzky, he was made chief of the general staff again but the treasury was no more inclined to fund in peace what it had refused to fund in war and it looked like Radetzky was headed for the shelf. Instead he was promoted field marshal and sent to command the army of Italy (much of northern Italy then being under Habsburg rule). In this position Radetzky made up for the lack of modern equipment and organisation with relentless training and strict discipline. By this time he was seventy years old but his greatest years were ahead of him.
In 1848 the King of Piedmont sensed that the time was right to unite at least northern Italy under his sceptre and launched an attack on Habsburg held territory. Back in the imperial heartland discontent, disorder and outright revolution had reduced the situation to chaos but as the empire seemed on the point of falling to bits one part of it still functioned and functioned well. The army of Italy under the command of the now octogenarian Radetzky rose to the occasion and defeated the Piedmontese at the battle of Novara crushing Italian hopes of independence and giving new heart to a desperate imperial family. With the Italians well and truly thumped Radetzky turned his army towards the empire itself, a potent threat to any revolutionary who might try to overthrow the monarchy.
With new laurels crowning his aged head Radetzky was made Viceroy of Lombardy-Venetia and attempted to rule with a reasonable amount of commonsense. Rebels in arms and deserters were hung but peaceful opponents were given travel passes and advised to leave the territory. He died at the age of ninety one, still serving but perhaps now past his prime. We have a piece of music by Johan Strauss the Elder to remember him by. The Radetzky March was written in honour of his Italian victories and is still played each year at the Vienna New Year concert.
Radetzky served his emperor (and he saw five of them) for more than seventy years and during the revolutions of 1848-49 was one of the few solid supports the monarch could count on. Something Franz Grillparzer, no great lover of Habsburg absolutism, wrote during that time encapsulated his importance "in your camp is Austria". When everything else failed there was still Radetzky and that was enough.
He was sent to the Theresianum an academy set up by Maria Theresa but it was dissolved after his first year and Radetzky went as a cadet to the army. As a junior officer he fought in the Turkish War and then served on the Rhine at the beginning of the series of wars which followed the French revolution. This ushered in a period of time when Radetzky chafed under the direction of officers considerably less talented than himself but despite this and the generally dreadful way the wars went for the Habsburg empire Radetzky managed to distinguish himself and gained constant promotions and imperial recognition.
Between 1809 and 1812 he was chief of the general staff of the army but he resigned the position in protest at treasury obstruction to his attempts at reform. Apparently the treasury insisted that there should actually be money to pay for these. Radetzky became chief of staff to Prince Karl Schwarzenburg who commanded the Austrian forces during the campaigns against Napoleon in Germany in 1813 and in Germany and France in 1814. Schwarzenburg received much criticism for his apparent timidity and reluctance to face Napoleon but he was being guided by Habsburg political imperatives orchestrated by the imperial Chancellor, Metternich. Since Metternich feared and distrusted his allies at least as much as he disliked Napoleon Schwarzenburg had a delicate balancing act to perform. Nevertheless again Radetzky came out of the campaign with his reputation enhanced and a promotion to Lieutenant Field Marshal.
The sudden outbreak of peace at the end of the Napoleonic Wars led to stagnation for Radetzky, he was made chief of the general staff again but the treasury was no more inclined to fund in peace what it had refused to fund in war and it looked like Radetzky was headed for the shelf. Instead he was promoted field marshal and sent to command the army of Italy (much of northern Italy then being under Habsburg rule). In this position Radetzky made up for the lack of modern equipment and organisation with relentless training and strict discipline. By this time he was seventy years old but his greatest years were ahead of him.
In 1848 the King of Piedmont sensed that the time was right to unite at least northern Italy under his sceptre and launched an attack on Habsburg held territory. Back in the imperial heartland discontent, disorder and outright revolution had reduced the situation to chaos but as the empire seemed on the point of falling to bits one part of it still functioned and functioned well. The army of Italy under the command of the now octogenarian Radetzky rose to the occasion and defeated the Piedmontese at the battle of Novara crushing Italian hopes of independence and giving new heart to a desperate imperial family. With the Italians well and truly thumped Radetzky turned his army towards the empire itself, a potent threat to any revolutionary who might try to overthrow the monarchy.
With new laurels crowning his aged head Radetzky was made Viceroy of Lombardy-Venetia and attempted to rule with a reasonable amount of commonsense. Rebels in arms and deserters were hung but peaceful opponents were given travel passes and advised to leave the territory. He died at the age of ninety one, still serving but perhaps now past his prime. We have a piece of music by Johan Strauss the Elder to remember him by. The Radetzky March was written in honour of his Italian victories and is still played each year at the Vienna New Year concert.
Radetzky served his emperor (and he saw five of them) for more than seventy years and during the revolutions of 1848-49 was one of the few solid supports the monarch could count on. Something Franz Grillparzer, no great lover of Habsburg absolutism, wrote during that time encapsulated his importance "in your camp is Austria". When everything else failed there was still Radetzky and that was enough.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Hollow Out a Pumpkin or Hit a Horse; It's All Good
Today was (and at the time of writing, still is) Monday the 1st of November. That means today was neatly sandwiched between Halloween and Melbourne Cup Day. As such this seemed like a good moment to run a brief eye over both events.
First; Halloween! This is a holiday slowly gaining ground in Australia as more and more children wonder why they don't get an authorised pass to annoy their elders like their American cousins. For adults its a time to crack out the tacky make up and dress like an extra in an Ed Wood movie (I was wearing a rather fetching shade of gooseberry nail polish myself). Halloween is another of those Christian religious occasions which time and marketing have perverted into a travesty of its former self. Since the Christians simply hijacked a Pagan festival in the first place I don't really have a problem with this. Of course the trick or treating is annoying. There wasn't much of it in my area (or possibly the parents have warned their children to stay away from my flat) but I understand it is growing each year. Trick or treating is an ancient tradition which dates from the time when children were thought to need assistance in learning the finer points of extortion and eating until you puke. This is one cultural import which I think could quite happily have stayed in America but I suppose if we're going to have McDonalds and Buffy the Vampire Slayer then we have to put up with trick or treating and Kim Kardashian as well. One thing I really don't understand is the pumpkins. If I were planning to hollow something out and stick a candle in it to scare the kiddies I would probably choose a sheeps head or a recently deceased relative. Of course back in the day one couldn't rely on one's relatives to die at a convenient moment but we have walk in freezers nowadays, not to mention the possibility of euthanasia laws getting through parliament. Personally I suspect that the pumpkin growers lobby may have a great deal to do with the way we celebrate Halloween.
And so on to the Melbourne Cup. Unlike Halloween the Melbourne Cup stays true to its religious origins. Across Australia millions of people put money in the collection plate and bow their heads in possibly the most sincere prayer they will ever utter. At the track itself of course there are corporate marquees (you know you've made it when you're too fancy to use the word tent) and various high society trash but for a few minutes even they raise their eyes to heaven (or the big screen tv in their tent) and become as one with the rest of us. I have never quite understood horse racing. As far as I can tell it consists of dressing a group of undernourished midgets in carnival clothes and then putting them on the back of a rather large animal which they hit with a whip in order to make it run in circles. I'm not saying it doesn't sound like fun but I'm really surprised it caught on on such a large scale. Still horse racing is the sport of kings apparently although a better description would probably be the sport of sheiks, mafiosi, corporations, the occasional gun runner and the queen of England. The race goes for about three minutes, the television coverage lasts for about seven hours. Still it is "the race that stops the nation". It certainly stops me, partly because I can't get anyone to answer my phone calls but mainly because my employers open up one of their conference rooms, show the race on a big screen and hand out free champagne. I'd probably celebrate my own execution if I got a ten minute break from work and a free glass of champagne in order to do so.
Incidentally, apparently today is All Saints Day whatever that is. A Phillipino colleague of mine tells me that they have a picnic in a cemetery. Beats work.
First; Halloween! This is a holiday slowly gaining ground in Australia as more and more children wonder why they don't get an authorised pass to annoy their elders like their American cousins. For adults its a time to crack out the tacky make up and dress like an extra in an Ed Wood movie (I was wearing a rather fetching shade of gooseberry nail polish myself). Halloween is another of those Christian religious occasions which time and marketing have perverted into a travesty of its former self. Since the Christians simply hijacked a Pagan festival in the first place I don't really have a problem with this. Of course the trick or treating is annoying. There wasn't much of it in my area (or possibly the parents have warned their children to stay away from my flat) but I understand it is growing each year. Trick or treating is an ancient tradition which dates from the time when children were thought to need assistance in learning the finer points of extortion and eating until you puke. This is one cultural import which I think could quite happily have stayed in America but I suppose if we're going to have McDonalds and Buffy the Vampire Slayer then we have to put up with trick or treating and Kim Kardashian as well. One thing I really don't understand is the pumpkins. If I were planning to hollow something out and stick a candle in it to scare the kiddies I would probably choose a sheeps head or a recently deceased relative. Of course back in the day one couldn't rely on one's relatives to die at a convenient moment but we have walk in freezers nowadays, not to mention the possibility of euthanasia laws getting through parliament. Personally I suspect that the pumpkin growers lobby may have a great deal to do with the way we celebrate Halloween.
And so on to the Melbourne Cup. Unlike Halloween the Melbourne Cup stays true to its religious origins. Across Australia millions of people put money in the collection plate and bow their heads in possibly the most sincere prayer they will ever utter. At the track itself of course there are corporate marquees (you know you've made it when you're too fancy to use the word tent) and various high society trash but for a few minutes even they raise their eyes to heaven (or the big screen tv in their tent) and become as one with the rest of us. I have never quite understood horse racing. As far as I can tell it consists of dressing a group of undernourished midgets in carnival clothes and then putting them on the back of a rather large animal which they hit with a whip in order to make it run in circles. I'm not saying it doesn't sound like fun but I'm really surprised it caught on on such a large scale. Still horse racing is the sport of kings apparently although a better description would probably be the sport of sheiks, mafiosi, corporations, the occasional gun runner and the queen of England. The race goes for about three minutes, the television coverage lasts for about seven hours. Still it is "the race that stops the nation". It certainly stops me, partly because I can't get anyone to answer my phone calls but mainly because my employers open up one of their conference rooms, show the race on a big screen and hand out free champagne. I'd probably celebrate my own execution if I got a ten minute break from work and a free glass of champagne in order to do so.
Incidentally, apparently today is All Saints Day whatever that is. A Phillipino colleague of mine tells me that they have a picnic in a cemetery. Beats work.
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