Christmas is almost upon us! Saying it like that conjures up an image of Christmas descending from the skies like a vulture, talons outstretched and beak agape. So mission accomplished with that first sentence I guess. Just to establish my credentials as a card carrying member of the consumer society I would like to point out that I love Christmas. I love buying gifts and receiving gifts. I love gathering with my family and have even been known to sing a carol or two. To make things perfectly clear; I love Christmas.
I hate Christmas (ok, who couldn't see that coming). Christmas is the most deeply annoying of holidays. For the next two months virtually everything will be seen through the prism of Christmas. Worthless clowns will expect to be forgiven their monumental failings because "its Christmas". Tinsel will encircle innocent trees like gaudy tentacles. In every home the centrepiece will be a pine tree apparently being attacked by an octopus in drag. Every single retailer of pointless crap in the country will redouble its efforts to sell you things that not only you don't want but that no one on earth would want. If I don't need a silver plated, left handed butt plug with wifi connectivity on the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year why on earth would I need one at Christmas?
From every department store, supermarket and quite small shop carols will blare out to be lost in the cacophony of price checks, bargain offers and shrieking children (and not a few adults). Incidentally, just for the benefit of anyone who might be in doubt, Frosty the fucking Snowman is not a Christmas carol. I am an unashamed atheist but even I feel that Christmas carols should carry some passing reference to God. You know, just a little something to say "cheers for the holiday big fella".
Something else that annoys me about Christmas is that it seems to start earlier each year. I know this isn't a profound comment but honestly we'll be putting up the decorations in August if things go on in this fashion. Even I'm not immune, I'm writing my Christmas blog on the 3rd of November for God's sake. I shouldn't even be thinking about it for another month. One thing I should be thinking about is presents. Buying presents for my family is always a struggle particularly since I tend to do it on December 24th. My father is particularly hard to buy for so over the last decade or two I have settled for buying him silly and pointless curiosities. That way at least one of us has a smile on their face when he opens his present. I wonder how he would react to a left handed butt plug with internet access? Hmmm, I must find that brochure.
This is the great thing about Christmas; you can always find something quirky and interesting and retailers are so keen to sell. And the place looks great with all the tinsel and decorations, even irritating idiots seem to get less so over Christmas. All in all I think Christmas is my favourite holiday celebrating the birth of somebody who nowadays would probably be on a terrorism watch list. Genghiz Khan's birthday was dull by comparison. And as for Buddha, did you know those guys don't drink? How can you get through a religious holiday completely sober?
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