Silly After Action Report - Tanks of Warsaw

Junior Officer paused before approaching the command post and checked that his uniform was exactly correct.  He was reporting for service with the famed Oberst von Kattelrussler and he wanted to make sure everything was just so.  No doubt von Kattelrussler would be a stickler for appearances.  Straightening his back and squaring his shoulders he marched forward and stamped to attention.  A group of harassed looking headquarters clerks, many swathed in bandages, glanced up at him without interest before returning to their own pursuits.

Junior Officer was about to speak when a lean, harassed looking man in a major's uniform came up.
"Are you the new junior officer?"
Junior Officer threw up an elbow cracking salute, "Yes sir!" he barked.
"Not so loud, we just got the oberst down.  I'm von Kummerbund, welcome to the unit.  Who ordered you here?"
"I volunteered sir, I have been following von Kattelrussler's exploits in the Volkische Beobachter and I couldn't wait to join."
"Dear Christ."
"Sir?" said Junior Officer in some puzzlement.

A figure shambled out of a nearby tent.  It wore a dressing gown, steel helmet and fluffy pink bunny slippers.
"What's all the noise about von Kummerbund."
Von Kummerbund pasted a look of respectful deference onto his face, "the new junior officer Herr Oberst, reporting for duty."
Oberst von Kattelrussler had what could be called a mobile face in so far as it twitched, jumped, spasmed and sometimes appeared to be attempting to flee his head entirely.  He sketched a salute with a hand clutching a teddy bear.
"About time we got a new junior officer, we haven't had one since Wittmann went off to join the SS."
"Actually sir," replied von Kummerbund, "we've had three since then."
"Really, what happened to them?"
"The first you sent off to reconnoitre a minefield; he found it.  The second you ran over with a Panzer IV because you couldn't find reverse gear and you shot the third because you thought he had rabies."
"The man was foaming at the mouth."
"He was shaving sir."

Oberst von Kattelrussler jumped at an imaginary sound and turned to Junior Officer who was desperately trying to maintain his composure.
"Welcome aboard Junior Officer.  Do you know anything about flamethrowers?"
"Ah, no sir."
"Excellent, learning on the job is the best way.  Pick up that flamethrower and head for the front.  Von Kummerbund will show you where to go."  Von Kattelrussler turned on his heel and started an animated conversation with his teddy bear.

Von Kummerbund watched as Junior Officer fumbled with the flamethrower at one point spilling highly flammable liquid over his freshly pressed uniform.
"Where should I go sir?" asked Junior Officer trying to disentangle himself from some tubing.
"Somewhere a very long way from me," replied von Kummerbund backing towards a convenient tank.

So the latest in a series of scenarios I'm provisionally entitling "Oberst von Kattelrussler Conquers the World".  This is BFP 124 - The Tanks of Warsaw.  As temporary commander of von Kattelrussler's long suffering legions I have to capture at least three of four victory buildings located an inconveniently long way away with apparently half the Polish army in between.  My forces are powerful, I have twenty three squads (including five assault engineers), a dozen machine guns (half light, half medium) plus a 75mm artillery piece, a 37mm anti tank gun, a clutch of demo charges and antitank rifles a pair of flamethrowers and thirteen tanks including half a dozen PzIIs and a pair of PzIVs.  Oh yes and I also have 100mm artillery if I can find anything to shoot at.  Ivan's defenders are no slouch either.  Seventeen squads divided between first line and green plus eight machine guns of his own, a pair of 37mm AT guns, an 81mm mortar and a truck mounting a 75mm gun on the flatbed.  In addition to this he could fortify half a dozen building locations, set three roadblocks and had a mass of wire and mines to guard his approaches.  Over the course of the game he would be reinforced by four very handy tanks and a pair of dinky little 47mm SP guns and a trio of elite squads who were obviously late to the battle.

My plan, as usual was simple.  I would simply pile up the infantry firepower, blow away his front line, advance modestly, consolidate and repeat.  I had the two PzIVs on board at the start (for the smoke) but kept the rest of my armour offboard until such things as roadblocks, mines and antitank guns became a little more apparent. 

The terrain lent itself to flank movements, I set up the bulk of my force on my right looking to push into the mess of buildings in front of me.  On the left I set up a smaller but still formidable force to push towards the sole victory building on that side.  in the centre I manned the graveyard with a couple of squads and a 37mm gun.  I held back my radio team looking to climb to a vantage point when required.

Things went almost disturbingly well in the first turn.  Both my tanks got smoke blocking Ivan's firelanes down the road that separated our forces.  On the right my flamethrower fried some defenders and I was able to push across the road into the buildings beyond.  On the left I wasn't quite as fortunate with the flamethrower but some well placed infantry smoke got me across the road there as well.  Ivan chose the runaway defence pulling his defenders back and not challenging my gains before pushing back again in the advance phase.

Turn 1, things are going disturbingly well

I had pushed across the road  on both flanks with virtually impunity thanks to the smoke but Ivan's centre was hanging tough.  Still on my right I had swept through the cluster of wooden buildings and up to his second line of defence and on the left I had seized a building and started to infiltrate down both sides of the road.  I say started because on my left a squad walked into a minefield and across the road I inadvertently advanced into a HIP unit.  Ivan's evil chuckle died in his throat as my guys waltzed out of the minefield unharmed and the squad that had bumped into the HIPsters killed them in CC.  I'll just repeat that; I killed a squad in CC and captured an mmg!  Apparently human sacrifice does please the gods after all.  Behind the action my gun crew slowly pushed my 37mm AT down the road towards the left hand roadblock.

I was pleased with my progress so far but things were about to slow down.  I moved a pair of squads past where he had hidden his squad and mmg to discover he had hidden a squad and flamethrower directly behind them.  I did survive the 24FP attack but then both my squads were tied up in melee.  And would remain tied up in melee for the next three turns.  This was infuriating because the position was a chokepoint and I couldn't get anyone past them.  Over on the right things had slowed too.  My plan was simple, build firepower, blow away his defenders, move forward, repeat.  Unfortunately Ivan also had a plan, it consisted of regularly shrugging off 24+2 shots from my attackers.  I tried attacking anyway and through the simple tactic of presenting more squads than Ivan could shoot at managed to push forward.  Ivan rolling an 11 on a FPF shot helped there.

In the centre I had zeroed my 75mm gun on his remaining defenders and slowly pounded them out of position, more by threat than damage.  Ivan declined to leave them there to die.  Along the way my right hand PzIV ran out of smoke but worse was to come.  My flamethrower team on the right ran out of fuel (apparently Junior Officer spilt it on his uniform) and when I finally got some guys across the road and into CC with his remaining defenders Ivan cheerfully rolled a snake eyes and wiped out a squad.

A PzIV behind the roadblock with a broken gun

I still had a mess of tanks to bring on but with little elbow room I couldn't see the point.  I did bring on a trio of PzIs to back up my forces.  This was probably a good idea as I was about to lose both my PzIVs.  On the left I rolled a PzIV up behind the road block and pushed some infantry into the road behind it as well.  There was a concealed stack down the road and a 2 flat shot revealed a squad, leader and hmg. More advancing fire broke the officer and then I did something truly silly.  My intention was to shroud the position with a smoke shell next turn but I couldn't resist the temptation to take a bounding fire shot with my 75mm. I rolled an eleven and broke the gun.

In the centre I had moved a squad and crew (now without flamethrower) forward and decided to back them up with the other PzIV.  This might have been a good idea but I took it too far.  I drove straight up to a squad with an atr which cheerfully destroyed it with a shot through the frontal armour.

The damn melee between on the left just kept on going but I finally got moving again on the right.  Ivan had generated a 7-0 leader for his squad that had got the snake eyes in CC and a 24+2 actually managed to break it and pin the squad.  I decided that this was the moment.  Grabbing a convenient stranger I bent them back over the altar and reached for the obsidian knife.  Religious duties over I sent my boys into CC.  This time I rolled snake eyes and generated my own 7-0.  Then I turned my attention to the CC on the left where two squads had been tied up for three turns and rolled another snake eyes.  This time I generated an 8-1 leader to cheer my boys on.  For some reason I committed these squads to clearing the roadblock, something they didn't manage to do for the rest of the game and removed two squads from my OB.

Halfway through the game and Ivan was being pushed back to his last line of defence but a combination of withdrawals and reinforcements had led to that last line of defence being a solid wall of Polish steel that I would somehow have to break through in four turns or less.  Things weren't helped when his left hand hmg broke my remaining flamethrower crew.  Getting those guys back into the game will be critical.  Other units captured the leftmost of the victory buildings which was one Ivan obviously thought he could afford to lose as there wasn't a fortified location in sight.  Feeling the need for more firepower I rolled on my PzIIs that had been waiting patiently in the wings until now

Over on the right Ivan had anchored a corner of his defence with an hmg toting squad but I had plans for that little sucker.  I had a single PzI lurking in the background doing nothing much and I trundled them down and sleazed the hmg team in bypass.  Then I sent in a half squad toting a DC.  I don't think I've ever successfully used a DC before.  This game would give me the opportunity to successfully use a whole bunch.  Anyway I blew him out of the building and seized the hmg for my very own.

Ivan had placed his 75mm gun truck over on the far left but with my troops swooping down towards his rear he pulled it back to help anchor his last line of defence.  It promptly nailed one of my PzIs as it was attempting to come up and support my left side.  The PzI who had helped my demo team get into the building on the right rolled forward one hex and promptly got flamed by a hitherto unrevealed 37mm gun.  This was excellent as it provided me with a little smoke cover.

I decided I had enough firepower on the right and pushed all but one of my PzIIs down the left.  There were anti personnel mines in the way but I figured I could take the chance.  The very first tank to move onto them was immobilised and I might have indulged in a little cursing but another four made their way through.  That minefield actually managed to immobilise another tank later, I had armour stacked two deep in the hex. I moved my PzIV (without MA) around the left hand victory building and waited for an opportunity to move it forward without it being killed.  I rolled a repair die roll every turn but neither repaired nor recalled the thing.

Taking advantage of the fact that the front line had moved forward my artillery spotters packed up their radio and trotted forward, hoping to find somewhere they could get a decent line of sight.  Far to the rear my 75mm gun crew did sterling service.  Every time Ivan got a sniper they jumped up and down to attract its attention.  I think they were pinned once and broken twice but they kept the trigger happy bastard out of my hair.

The next couple of turns were about bringing up enough troops for the final assault.  Slowed by mines, wire and roadblocks my troops and tanks on the right slowly built up enough force to launch an attack. I was helped by Ivan breaking the hmg which anchored his defence over here and I followed that up by breaking the squad manning it.  On the right I edged forward until I had a powerful force snuggled into stone buildings looking across the road.  Still there was a sea of Poles between me and my objectives.  On the right Ivan had brought on his tanks and positioned them behind a stone wall to cover the road.  The victory buildings were fortified and garrisoned with doughty troops.  On the left things were a little more adhoc. Ivan had a couple of tanks, his gun truck and he brought on his SP guns here as well.  However I had finally managed to bring up my kill stack and started dismantling his troops in the wooden buildings. With them out of the way I seized them for my own and managed to take out his gun truck with infantry fire.

Getting closer to the end game.  I've even managed to find a target for my artillery

You know what a PzIV with a malfunctioned MA is good for?  Diversions.  I rolled it behind the final wooden buildings on the left to pretend to threaten his armoured last stand over there.  Ivan totally refused to be diverted but while the PzIV was flirting with death at least one of my PzIIs had taken death out for dinner and a movie.  Smoke dispensers never work for me but I tried them anyway rolling my PzIIs down the street to cover the approach of my infantry towards the victory building.  I got smoke, hells yeah I got smoke.  It turned out Ivan's other 37mm gun was covering that road and it brewed my forward PzII up into sheets of nicely concealing smoke and flame. Thanks Ivan.

On the right I had a PzI and a PzII eager to give support to my troops but that 37mm had to go first.  I managed to get a squad into CC with the crew, I killed him and he CR'ed me but there was one less obstacle for my tanks.  Ivan helped a bit by breaking the MA of the tank he had hoped to help cover this location. Actually collectively we broke a heck of a lot of weaponry in this game.

Inching forward

Now with time running out I went for the end game.  My hapless PzIV I rolled right around behind his tanks and wound up in the street behind his mortar team and cheerfully machine gunned them into oblivion.  An 8-0 toting an antitank rifle ran out into the orchard to menace his armour (actually to try and make Ivan drop concealment by shooting at them but that didn't work so it was totally a plan to take on the armour).  Ivan had moved one of his SP guns around to support the mortar team and in the next turn my PzIV got a kill with its machine guns, who needs 75s?  But even better was to come.  Two of Ivan's tanks had an impressive 4 for their frontal armour which made them almost immune to the atrs but one of them had swivelled its turret to take a shot at my PzIV as it slunk past. My 8-0, with great skill, fired an antitank rifle into the rear of the turret and killed the thing.  He followed this up with a UK result on the surviving SP gun the next turn.  Suddenly Ivan was out of armour on the left.  It has to be admitted that Ivan street fought the PzIV and immobilised it but the crew stayed in and its machine guns dominated the road.

A little vehicular sleaze, some squirts from the flamethrower and a well positioned DC and I had a breach in the fortified location with only broken wreckage to stop me. I poured troops in and managed to clear the building in my final movement phase.

Over on the left I still had a road covered by tanks and machine guns to contend with and I had no DCs or flamethrowers.  You know what else can breach a fortified location?  A tank.  I drove the PzI straight in (bogging of course) but opening a path for infantry to follow.  I now had the numbers and the firepower while Ivan was virtually out of troops.  I lost some troops exploiting my initial breakthrough but finally wiped out his last SMC in the final CC phase of the game.  

Endgame.  One final CC a squad (me) vs a leader (Ivan).  It took two goes but I finally killed them.

Honesty compels me to admit that while the dice had swung from one side to the other during the game in the final couple of turns they came down against Ivan just when he needed them most.  Otherwise I might have wound up a location or two short.  I'm also wondering if I didn't screw Ivan over.  I know infantry can't enter a fortified location occupied by unbroken enemy units but we couldn't find anything that said a tank couldn't.  Opinions would be welcome now that my victory is on the record and its too late to change the result.

Oberst von Kattelrussler leaned against a ruined wall trying, unsuccessfully, to juggle with hand grenades.  His staff watched him from a distance which could be mistaken for respectful.  Suddenly Major von Kummerbund staggered out of the building coughing brick dust.

"I can't believe that worked," he gasped reaching for his waterbottle.

"I had no doubts," replied von Kattelrussler dropping a stick grenade onto his foot.  "Ouch!"

A strange figure approached them.  Junior Officer was smouldering gently, what was left of his hair was arranged in random clumps over a bright pink scalp.  His uniform was scorched and smelled of burnt skin and petrol.

"Gaah," said Junior Officer.  In case he wasn't clear he said it again, "Gaah, burning, ouch."  He collapsed into a foetal position and began sobbing.

"He'll fit in just fine," said von Kattelrussler beaming. "Welcome to the unit JO."