A Maim Free Weekend

"Where the hell is she?"
I've got to admit I've become somewhat spoilt by the quality of my tech support.  I'm used to being able to contact my Tasmanian correspondent at any time of the day or night so the news that she had gone completely off grid and was incommunicado came as a bit of a surprise.
"Calm down," responded my Belarusian contact.  "Your heartbeat is dangerously high."
"And that's another thing.  Why do you need to monitor my vital signs?"
"Oh no reason," they assured me.  "It's certainly not because we've been testing unlicenced medical treatments on you while you sleep.  But it would be good to keep your heart rate and blood pressure within normal levels.  Also avoid shocks, loud noises and direct sunlight."
Fortunately before my eyeballs could start bleeding again they came back with good news.  Apparently the Rebels motorcycle gang had been having a get together in Tasmania and their sergeant at arms had spotted my correspondent in Swansea heading north.
"How do you know the Rebels' sergeant at arms?" I asked.
"Mind your own business," they suggested.

Fortunately before I could ask any more unwise questions my correspondent surfaced with tales of the wild outdoors.  Apparently she had taken her children (and some foolhardy friends) on a weekend away to a hippie commune type place which was devoid of internet contact with the outside world.  One of her friends was appalled to discover the place didn't have a website.  How she reacted to the lack of running water was a source of great amusement to my correspondent.  Apparently the whisky helped.

Yes several adult Tasmanians turned up on the hippie's doorstep herding a batch of kids and clutching enough cheese and alcohol to render the entire population both lactose intolerant and chronically alcoholic in the course of a weekend.  Do these guys know how to rough it or what?  Once settled in to what our ancestors of a couple of centuries ago would no doubt have called shelter they unleashed their children on the unsuspecting outdoors and retired to sample the cheese and wine.

My correspondent's memories of the entire weekend seem to be suspiciously hazy but she apparently departed with the same number of children she arrived with.  There was a whole lot of hippy constructed play equipment which somehow failed to maim the children despite their best efforts.  There were also llamas and sheep which the children attempted to befriend.  Strangely this didn't end in tears either, it didn't even end in streams of spittle running down the children's faces which indicates that llamas are somewhat more tolerant than, for example, me.

According to my correspondent there were whales off the coast (good place for them) but by this stage I was rather suspicious about the accuracy of her reports and I suspect she may have gained a hazy glimpse of trucks on the highway.  Possibly the only sharply focussed memory of the entire weekend (apart from children unaccountably not hurting themselves) was of the bath.  In order to have a hot bath one needed to light a fire and wait for several hours before going outside (where the bath was) and slipping into water hot enough to be used as the basis for stew while everybody else politely pretended to avert their eyes.  A friend of my correspondent (the one who was appalled at the absence of internet connection) found this an excellent way to deal with the whisky induced hypothermia of the previous night. 

The whole weekend was a great success despite the arrival of another child that none of the adults would admit to owning.  They left it behind at the end of the stay and nobody seems particularly concerned.  One of my correspondent's children noted it was better than their recent visit to Sydney.  She also noted that she wanted to join a bikie gang. 

Meanwhile on (or rather, just off) the mainland another colleague of mine spent the weekend vomiting over whales.  The whales were probably glad they lived in the ocean which allowed them to easily rinse themselves off.  It has to be said that cetaceans have had to put up with a lot from us over the years.