No! I'm Being Mauled to Death by a Mountain Lion, Thanks for Asking!

A few days ago I was in the office working hard to make it look like I was working hard when a colleague walked by and asked, "Are you ok?".  Well I thought I was up until she asked the question.  Since I normally consider passing a sick person on the street as an excuse for a week off work if I'm actually in the office at all I'm probably about as good as I'm going to get.  But the question threw me.  Didn't I look ok?  What was it she'd noticed that I had inexplicably missed in the forty five minutes I spend staring at my reflection each day before leaving the flat?  Oh my god!  Was I coming down with something?  Was it so obvious that people were actually enquiring about the state of my health?  Whimpering with fear I fled to the bathroom to see if I could spot any incipient signs of Ebola virus or premature Alzheimer's.

When I slunk, trembling, back to my desk wondering if I could make it to the nearest emergency ward before my final breath she patiently explained that she was asking about my mental state.  Relief flooded over me, at least I hope it was relief.  I relaxed, leaned back and started to give her a complete answer to her question.  Half an hour later I had to break off and coax her back in off the ledge; she was scaring the falcon.  At that point out of a pure desire to be helpful I asked if she was ok.  She screamed and upended the goldfish bowl over my head.

The background to all this is that a few days ago we had "Are You OK? Day" at work.  Actually that's not quite true.  In deference to the fact that thirty odd years of liberal education methods has rendered the bulk of society functionally illiterate we had "R U OK? Day".  This is a day when we are supposed to be alert to the possibility of severe psychological issues in our coworkers.  Preferably before "Bring Your Uzi to Work Day" which is next week.  A single day out of 365 has been designated to ensure that those we work with are in fact doing ok.  Apparently what they might be feeling like on the other 364 is beyond our jurisdiction.

To promote awareness of R U OK? Day posters were put up around the office which depicted a man in jeans apparently being mauled to death by a mountain lion.  Either that or it was being friendlier than two representatives of different species are decently permitted to be.  I must admit that my first thought upon seeing that poster was that if one was indeed being mauled to death by a mountain lion then one's psychological state, however dubious that might be, should probably be taking second place at least for the moment.  My second thought was "Why is he wearing pressed jeans?"

No doubt the motivation behind R U OK? Day is noble enough.  Its probably a thoroughly laudable desire to cut down on the number of sick days taken due to mental health issues with the concomitant impact on productivity.  Certainly having a third of your staff at any given moment weeping naked in a foetal position under their desks isn't going to promote team building.  But I wonder if the promoters of R U OK? Day have thought this through.

To show you care or at least, to show that you've read the poster and are thus inspired to approach a coworker to enquire about the state of their mental health seems like a useful thing to do.  However possibly due to the fact that they blew all of their budget hiring the mountain lion the poster was a little skimpy on what you might do if they answered "No!".  I'm as sympathetic to the plight of my fellow humans as the next person which is to say I don't give a crap but even if I did I'm not sure I'm qualified to give succour to someone who has taken my largely pro forma query as an opportunity to open up about their impending nervous breakdown.  Something tells me that an awkward pat on the shoulder and a muttered "there there" probably wont quite cut it.  Indeed, if their problems are serious enough you might be too busy wondering how to get yourself the hell out of the firing zone to properly focus on giving them helpful assistance.

I also can't help wondering if you talk to someone, they unburden themselves, you give whatever support you can and then they go home and commit suicide, how is that going to affect your mental health?  One suspects that if we are going to have a R U OK? Day then we should probably have another one right after it so we can talk to the people who asked the question on the first day, it might also be worth having another chat to any of the survivors from that first round of questioning as well.  Encouraging people to talk about their problems can lead to all sorts of problems.  The first being that people are encouraged to talk about their problems.

And yet.  And yet, how often have there been tragedies that could be avoided if only someone had asked that question at a psychologically critical moment?  We're not all therapists and we can't all give good advice but would you feel any better if you avoided talking to someone because you knew you were unqualified and then they went and killed themselves?  In the absence of employer funded psychiatric training for the entire staff a slightly more useful approach would be to cancel the mountain lion and put half a dozen dot points on what are probably the best things to ask or say.  This gives guidance to the impromptu counsellors and best of all gives them someone else to blame if things go horribly wrong.

Alternatively hire an actual mountain lion and train it to attack anyone looking depressed.  If nothing else this might put their other issues into perspective.