The Horse Whipping, Gambling Facilitating Fashion Parade that Stops the Nation

Today was Melbourne Cup day.  You know; "the race that stops a nation", "the jewel in the crown of Australia's racing calendar" and all the other hyperbole that goes to elevate a horse race to an experience akin to the second coming of Christ with the chance to win a little money on the side.  The cup was duly run and, as usual, was won by a horse so no surprises there.

Horse racing has always seemed a little creepy to me.  Essentially it consists of getting a group of wizened midgets in clown outfits to gallop horses around a track while periodically hitting them with whips.  If I were to attempt to describe it the best I could come up with is to liken it to a reenactment of the campaigns of Genghis Khan performed by Oompa Loompas.  I'm also not sure what the horse gets out of it.  Well actually I know exactly what the horse gets out of it.  At the end of each race the irritating munchkin stops hitting it and gets off its back.  There is also the possibility that if the horse wins enough races its retirement package will include the words "stud farm" rather than "glue factory" although whether this is explained to the horses at the beginning is something I couldn't tell you.

But as everybody knows it isn't all about the racing.  Of course not!  In fact almost none it is about the racing.  Millions of dollars are spent, horses bred, trainers hired, jockeys let out of school early and vet bills paid essentially for a sideshow.  Horse racing isn't about racing horses, its about gambling.  As long as the gambling takes place whether the horses turn up or not is largely immaterial.  You can bet on almost anything nowadays; football, boxing, elections, cock fighting, Italian government bonds so why is horse racing so special?  The answer is tradition, what else?

Horse racing is one of the most venerable and widely spread methods by which a small group of people remove money from a larger and stupider group of people.  Its been going on for so long it would be almost heresy to stop now.  The queen for instance loves horse racing.  Why doesn't she love poker machines?  Its essentially the same thing.  Well when poker machines have been around for another seven centuries she probably will love them.  It would be only appropriate.

As the racing industry has matured (or at least aged) over the centuries other industries have taken an interest as well and I'm not just talking about organised crime here.  It truly isn't just about the racing any more.  There is also the fashion.  After all when large amounts of money are being spent to no good purpose can the fashion industry be far away?  Essentially I think what happened was that women noticed that men were blowing about half their life savings on horse races and thought "bugger this, I'm going to use what's left to buy a dress".

Nowadays everybody seems to dress up for the races.  Melbourne has the perfect weather for this.  While warm and calm often enough to invite the purchase of flimsy, decorative pieces of fabric it has this tendency to produce cold, rainy and viciously windy days at inappropriate moments.  One of the most enjoyable things about the Melbourne Cup is the likelihood of seeing fashionably dressed women clutching desperately at a ridiculous looking hat with one hand while their dress, which cost thousands and has less material than the average tissue, is blown sidewards by an Antarctic gale.  At the same time they are drinking champagne and attempting to smile for the cameras while dying of hypothermia.  I find this almost as amusing as the animal beating.  One thing I refuse to understand is fascinators.  Many women wear them instead of proper hats.  The only thing I find fascinating about them is that women pay a fortune to wear something that makes it look like someone has sneezed on their heads.

Despite all of my diatribes I watched the race at work.  Its fun seeing the reluctant horses (ie the smart ones) being shoved into the gates.  And then they're off and some idiot is gabbling away at a hundred miles an hour while about a score of horses (with jockeys in tow) charge for the winning post with a determination that only the desire for a rub down, bag of oats and the opportunity to get rid of this idiot with the whip can explain.  As they round the final bend though the sound of the horses coming is one of the most stirring I've ever heard.  This year was awesome; a photo finish with the two leaders straining every muscle and every ounce of determination to get across the line.  There was literally nothing in it, just one head raised and extended a trifle more than the other.  It was amazing and even the fact that my money was on the horse that came second didn't still the excitement.  OK, there is a reason why people in this day and age are still prepared to tolerate horse racing.  At least its over now until next November.