An Open Letter to Dogs

I am sitting in the cafe looking at a large dog. The dog, in turn, is looking at the omelette its owner is currently engaged in consuming. "Go on, give me a bite," the dog seems to be saying. It is doing its best to make its large and powerful body look undernourished and is being roundly ignored by its owners.

Oh canine, canine where is your pride? Once you were wolves roaming free; peasants in their huts cowered at your howl. Now the best you can manage is "Oh go on, throw me a stick." A stick!! For gods sake, once no sheep was safe from you and now you hunt sticks. Even when one of your number snaps and bites the face off a child we just shake our heads and mutter about how lousy your owner must have been. Oh yes, and then we kill you.

I suppose in the early years hanging around with humans must have made some sense. You got a guaranteed food supply in return for running around and barking which I think we can both agree you would have done anyway. As the years went by, however, we moved further up the path of civilisation and we dragged you with us willy nilly. Now when you bark the neighbours complain and as for running around, only in a leash free park pal. We train you to guide our blind and accompany our elderly. These are the people you used to cut from the herd and rip to bloody shreds while the rest of us were just grateful we were spared. Now you stand at traffic lights and tell them when its safe to cross the road.

Let's face it, cows got a better deal from us than you did. Okay we eat them but that hasn't stopped cows from waxing mightily over the Earth. And cows don't really have to do anything. Nobody expects cows to fetch sticks, guard homes or perform tricks. Ask a cow to guide a blind person across a road and see how far you get. No; all we ask of cows is that they stand in a field and eat grass and we don't get upset if they shit there. There are even places where cows are sacred. With the possible exception of the greyhound track I don't think there is anywhere dogs are worshipped.

No; in the symbiotic relationship stakes cows scored and dogs failed. I'm not sure what you can do about it at this late stage but if I could give you one piece of advice it would be; try to be a little less helpful and a lot more edible.