Monday, February 14, 2011

A Blog Entry About Cars

I've suddenly realised that the world is full of cars. They're rather like metal fleas hopping about all over the place. You know, on closer examination I don't think the previous analogy made a lot of sense. Cars are not very much like fleas. Cars rarely hide in long grass waiting for an opportunity to jump onto a passerby. I think I can count on the fingers of one foot the number of times the vet has fixed me with a stern gaze and solemnly informed me that my cat has cars. I have never had to put a collar on anything to keep cars away. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that cars are rather unlike metal fleas hopping all over the place. Yes, that's much better. That's what I should have said in the first place.

Still there are a lot of cars out there; they swarm like piranha on a corpse. Oh dear, I've done it again haven't I? Of course cars don't swarm like anything really. I don't even know if piranha swarm. Swarming implies a collective purpose and I don't know whether piranha possess that. It is entirely possible that every piranha makes its way individually to the corpse and before the feeding frenzy begins there is five minutes of "Hi Fred, fancy meeting you here. How's Ruth and the fingerlings?" No cars aren't much like piranha really which is probably a bit of a relief to motorists, particularly if they happen to live near the Amazon.

I wonder if piranha get fleas? That would be terrible because I don't think piranha are well equipped to deal with fleas. It would be very difficult to scratch or slap yourself when all you have is fins. The tragedy of the flea riddled piranha is one of the saddest sights in nature although I suspect that any observers are secretly relieved that the piranha are flailing desperately at themselves rather than stripping them to the bone.

They do say that a school of piranha can strip a cow to its bones in five minutes (who are "they" and how do they know this stuff?). The question I want answered is how do piranha get hold of a cow in the first place? Do they sneak out of the river at night and stalk the paddocks seeking flesh? I can't help thinking that researchers toss the occasional cow into the Amazon and then sit there with a stopwatch. Rather a cruel way of getting a dinner conversation topic in my opinion.

I hope the piranha give them fleas.


  1. Rather a startling selection of non-sequiturs here Neil; in fact the whole piece jumps around as if it's a flea (or a pirana - I've lost it too)

  2. In all seriousness, that is how my mind works most of the time. Actually getting the end of a blog to have some relevance to the beginning is quite a chore.