Plague Update #5

Well we've gone twenty four hours without threatening to drive another animal species to extinction.  Things must be looking up.  Spending most of my waking moments (and a goodly number of my non waking moments) indoors is starting to have an effect on me.  I find myself spending an increasing amount of time talking to people who aren't there, jumping at shadows that aren't moving and I suspect that toaster is plotting against me.  Honestly if it wasn’t  for the relentless hours of soul crushing work I don't know how I'd get by.  Of course helpful voices have pointed out that I have spent most of my life talking to people who aren't there and jumping at harmless shadows but I'm pretty sure those helpful voices are imaginary.  As for the toaster, that bastard has been gunning for me for years.

In an attempt to silence the voices in my head, or at least give them competition, I contacted my Tasmanian correspondent.  She screamed and threw a potplant at the screen.  Once I convinced her that I was actually still in Sydney she calmed down, for a given definition of "calmed" and a given definition of "down".

"Why are you standing on a bench?" I asked.

"I've been drafted," she replied.  "I'm now one of Tasmania's first responders."

"What are you responding to?"

"Caravans!"

Apparently when Tasmania started shutting down its borders hordes of wilful grey nomads leapt into caravans and, taking advantage of the fact that the government was watching the airports, shipped themselves across Bass Strait by ferry.  Now, however, the government is wise to them.  Without a military to mobilise they have done the next best thing by forming the local population into crazed lynch mobs and have unleashed them to hunt caravan dwellers down with fire and sword.  At least that's what my correspondent said.  At this point it should be acknowledged that she has been stuck indoors for as long as I have and she has two children and two dogs; one of the dogs is a psychopath and at least one of the children has already demonstrated an unhealthy interest in cannibalism.  So it's entirely possible that my correspondent's mental state is little better than mine.

In an attempt to alleviate everyone's fears about the economy our prime minister came pretty close to destroying it by speaking of businesses in the country going into "hibernation".  He was trying to say his government would help them when they emerge but all anybody really heard was the prime minister saying that pretty much every small to medium business in the country was going to be living in a cave for the next six months.  The stock market reacted appropriately.  For a former marketing manager he is disturbingly bad at it.  No wonder he went into politics.

The government has graciously permitted parents to keep their kids home from daycare without losing their place or government subsidies.  Our government subsidises childcare, this is one of the reasons why the cost is so high.   Allowing parents to keep their kids home is a good idea if only because childcare is basically a disease pit where you send your offspring to build up their immunity.  It's less practical if what they catch is actually fatal.

I'm also starting to suspect that the pigeons have cottoned on to my plans to use them as an emergency food supply.  For the last week not one of them has approached any closer to my home than the edge of balcony.  I'll know the isolation is really getting to me when I start to miss them.