"Jaws!" Or Possibly "Gums!"

 I have a new favourite sea creature.  While the octopus will always occupy a special place in my heart the magnificent Greenland shark now takes top billing among the damper animal varieties on the planet.  As the name implies Greenland sharks live in the icy waters of the Arctic ocean. They are in fact the apex predator of those chilly waters. A bulky animal, it is one of the largest shark species still living (except for the whale shark which I think we can all agree is the result of a serious pituitary imbalance) and it roams the frigid waters unafraid of competition. It roams those waters very slowly, the Greenland shark is not noted for its speed. In a strong current a Greenland shark would go backwards.

If a Greenland shark had starred in the movie Jaws that movie would have been eighteen hours long most of which would have consisted of Roy Schneider sitting in a boat looking at his watch as the Greenland shark made its laboured, asthmatic approach.  That's always assuming it attacked the right boat because thanks to a small crustacean that lives in its eyes the Greenland shark is almost blind.

Moving slowly seems to have its advantages. The Greenland shark is the worlds longest lived vertebrate. Greenland sharks have been caught with harpoons inside them from the whaling heyday of the 1800s.  They don't even become sexually active until they're past a hundred years old.  They also don't breed very much, well of course they don't; they're over a hundred years old.  Also due to their eyesight its entirely possible that some mating attempts are with submarines or suggestively shaped icebergs. The oldest known Greenland shark was dated at over 390 years old.

Greenland sharks upper teeth aren't very spectacular, they're thin and without serrations and really serve as anchors while the shark worries large chunks of its prey off with its bottom teeth.  So, to recap; the apex predator of the Arctic region is a slow, blind, geriatric with bad teeth.  You can't help feeling there weren't many applicants for the position of "Apex predator of the Arctic Ocean".  They eat minke whales, seals, fish, carrion and the occasional polar bear.  The question is "how?"  All of these things (even the carrion with a breeze behind it) is faster than the Greenland shark.  Scientific opinion isn't so much divided as somewhat bewildered.  The best explanation they can come up with is that the Greenland shark sneaks up on its prey while they're asleep or (in the case of carrion) dead.  My personal opinion is that from time to time a prey animal will hurl itself into the shark's jaws out of sheer pity.

There are virtually no recorded cases of Greenland sharks attacking humans largely because they live in the sort of waters that aren't conducive to swimming, or living.  Also if you're attacked by a Greenland shark a brisk dog paddle should be enough to effect your escape. 

Being slow, blind, rare etc. means that of course the Greenland shark is endangered.  The only surprise is that the species ever got going in the first place although to be fair it didn't get going very swiftly.  Another reason for their scarcity is that Icelanders like eating them.  Greenland shark flesh is actually toxic but unfortunately for the sharks they live next door to the Scandinavians who have a proud history of consuming inedible seafood.  Several months of fermentation are required before Greenland shark flesh is transformed from something disgusting and toxic into something that is merely disgusting.  As is usually the case when a people have been doing something disgusting and depraved for long enough it is now claimed to be part of Iceland's culture.  Apparently this is a good enough reason to keep doing it.  There are a few depraved and disgusting things I could probably culturally justify if it ever came to a court case.

So if you're ever in Arctic waters and you see something large, blind and slow vigorously gumming a polar bear to death you have encountered the fabled Greenland shark.  Say hello for me.