"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked the plague doctor tremulously. All around me plush toys begged me not to journey outside with two notable exceptions. The puffin was in rehab after mainlining drain cleaner but...
"Where's Humpy?" I demanded.
The platypus and the spider examined the ceiling. The plague doctor had the grace to look a little embarrassed. Lucius the bear looked furtive. A swift and not entirely Geneva compliant interrogation later and I freed Humpy from the bottom of the linen closet. I fixed the motley crew with a stern gaze.
"When I return we shall have words about this. And following the words there will be a considerable amount of violence."
With my domestic situation satisfactorily sorted I set out on my journey to the shops. It isn't a long journey, there's no need to take water. In fact I've stopped doing that altogether since I discovered the puffin was lacing it with windex. Going to the shops is simply a case of walking out of my driveway and turning left. What happens if I turn right I have no idea. The puffin says that there are dragons and unspeakable horrors in that direction but I'm not sure if its wise to trust the judgement of someone who's been caught huffing Mr Sheen on a dining room table.
Concrete artistically decorated with dogshit guides my path until my narrow country lane (sorry, broad suburban street) intersects with a somewhat broader road travelling roughly north-south (or, more accurately, northeast-southwest). Here at last I turn right and find myself among a cluster of buildings touting their various wares to the public. It has to be said my local shops are a little disappointing. There are hairdressers, a wellness clinic (whatever the fuck that is), two car repair places, a Thai restaurant which is permanently closed and a mental health facility, possibly for those who use the wellness clinic. Redeeming the situation slightly are a bottleshop and a pair of cafes.
There are also roadworks although the works are pretty catholic and have spilled over onto the non road parts of the area as well. Part of this is the upgrade to my railway station so it can accommodate sexy new metro trains and with an air of making a bad situation worse the local and state government collaborated to give the entire area a face lift with the aim of making this small and rather insignificant gaggle of shops into a desirable retail area. So far the main result of their efforts is that a number of pre-existing shops including three cafes have had to shut their doors due to the disruption to trade.
It was 11am on a grey Sunday morning so naturally my first destination was the bottleshop (don't judge me). The people there know me although they think my name is "Get Out You Irritating Freak" they do usually serve me eventually if only to hasten my departure. Once the essentials have been procured its time to stop into one of the surviving cafes to buy coffee. I can make coffee at home of course but I like to support local business. Particularly I like to support local businesses that stop me from having to do things for myself.
With my purchases made I should have headed home. Instead I lingered to enjoy such of the upgrades as have been finished (and not at all because I dreaded the domestic situation upon my return). Part of the refurbishment has involved laying handsome grey tiles in place of the dull concrete footpath that preceded them. Some parts of these tiles have been laid three times as no sooner are they laid than the builders find some reason for digging them up again. It's entirely possible the whole thing is an elaborate work for the dole programme. Traffic lights have been installed at an intersection that was previously bereft of such things but since they aren't working yet the sole result has been the confusing of motorists. There was a pedestrian crossing there which has been temporarily moved about twenty metres up the road so that once they are over the confusion of non-functioning traffic lights motorists can be surprised by the presence of a crossing where no crossing has stood before. So far casualties have been surprisingly light.
With nothing else to do and with the amusement value of temporarily laid paving slabs rapidly exhausted I turned my head for home. This example having been set the rest of my body reluctantly followed suit. As I strolled up the drive I could already hear the arguments and as I rounded the corner of my block a platypus came flying through the air in a welter of shattered window glass. I turned around and decided to take my chances with the dragons.
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