Sunday, August 25, 2019

Desex Your Furniture

I powered up my computer and splashed the obligatory goats blood over the keyboard as per my tech support's instructions.  There has to be an easier way of contacting them.  The keys are getting all sticky and my apartment is full of sacrificed goat carcasses.  My tech support insists that the goats blood is absolutely vital, I'm certain it's got nothing to do with the fact that they own the biggest goat farm in Belarus.

My tech support seemed a little surprised to see me.

"How are you feeling?" they asked.

"Fine thanks," I replied a little touched by their concern.

"No headaches, dizziness, bleeding out of the orifices or indications of a genetically engineered flesh eating virus?"

"No, why?"

"Oh just curious.  What can we do for you?"

"I need help picking up a couch."

"You have a very broad definition of the term "tech support" don't you?"

"Genetically engineered flesh eating virus," I replied.

"Good point, we'll be there on Friday."

Yes after a mere ten years of couch deprivation I am finally getting a new couch to replace the old one which was kidnapped either by aliens or possibly my tech support (to the extent that those two terms aren't interchangeable).  As can be deduced by the decade long hiatus between couches I don't actually need one.  I have an armchair which has proved more than capable of supporting my weight over that period.  It has been suggested that a couch would enable me to offer guests somewhere to sit.  To which I would point out that my apartment has a perfectly functional floor and also I like to lower people's expectations before I serve them food.

Honesty compels me to admit that I haven't actually bought a couch.  Some friends are recouching their home and they asked if I would adopt the redundant one.  Sure they could send it to a couch shelter but everybody knows that most of them are euthanised within twenty four hours.  To avoid them having to tell lies to their small daughter about how their couch had gone to live on a farm and was much happier now I decided to take it in.  At least I agreed to do so once they assured me it wouldn't shed on the carpet and had already been desexed.

I know a lot of people are reluctant to neuter their furniture but it makes them a lot easier to deal with and ensures that you don't have to suddenly find homes for a clutch of unwanted footstools.  I had a friend who refused to desex her furniture and now her life is a mess.  There is literally furniture in every room of her house, you can't move without tripping over some.  Of course most of her friends have stopped visiting.  That isn't because of the furniture, we just didn't like her very much.  But it was definitely the furniture that gave us the excuse.  So please, desex your furniture unless you want to discover what your friends really think about you.  Spoiler alert; you probably don't.

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