Monday, June 24, 2019

Red in Beak and Claw

A few days ago when I stumbled bleary eyed onto my balcony I was a little surprised to find it spattered with blood.  I reacted in the way most people would I think.  First I checked my body for self inflicted wounds and then I trawled through the splintered chaos of my memory to see if there was anything I was doing the previous night which could explain the gore heavy state of my balcony.  Eventually I decided that as far as I could tell the balance of probability was against my having any involvement, maybe.  I did wonder if my tech support had been conducting a wet works operation but they promised to wait until I was on holidays before they did that again.

Which just left the minor question of what the hell had happened.  While "welcome" is not the usual term to describe the discovery of a mutilated corpse on your property it would at least have given me a sense of closure.  I live on the second floor so it was unlikely to be the result of some drunken street brawl unless the participants were very tall.  This left me casting my eyes towards nature for an answer.  There would appear to be two options;

Option one is that some predatory swoopy thing swooped down and predated something a little more victim shaped and spilled some of it over my balcony.  There are apparently Powerful Owls in the Sydney region and Hippogriffs have been sighted in the southern suburbs so this is a possibility.  However my preferred explanation is option two.  This speculates that a pair of pigeons got into a vicious turf battle over the prized shitting rights on my balcony.

It has to be admitted that my relationship with the local pigeons is a somewhat problematic one.  Their numbers (or at least their bowel movements) have been gradually increasing over the years and my balcony seems to be quite a popular spot for them to hang out and relieve themselves.  Things haven't been improved by a recent renovation that has taken place on my balcony.

In a sudden fit of enthusiasm the strata management people (or at least their minions) descended on our collective balconies, checked them for concrete cancer and resurfaced the lot.  The floor of my balcony is now a pleasing shade of honeycomb.  One of the advantages of the new colour scheme is that it throws the pigeon crap into sharp relief whereas with the old grey surface one could convince oneself that the situation wasn't too bad, at least until you sank ankle deep walking out on to the balcony.

The pigeons certainly seem to enjoy it as well.  They used to flutter off with outraged coos when I went out on to the balcony, now they settle for shifting a token couple of inches further away and stare at me with bland indifference.  It would be easier if I had the willingness (or the ability) to get rid of them in a more permanent way but sadly my heart is soft and my muscle tone softer.  I did ask my tech support if they could do anything but they just laughed and told me I was on my own.  Apparently there are some things they aren't prepared to mess with.

Which leaves me with a problem.  What to do with a bunch of increasingly stroppy pigeons that are apparently suffering from severe intestinal disorders.  Fortunately with this latest gruesome scene they've given me an idea.  If the pigeons want to fight it out over my balcony so be it.  I'll rig up a cage and some cameras and broadcast the results to the world.  Pigeon cage fighting, it'll be the next big thing.  Bet 365 are definitely interested.

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