Where the Wild Protein Herds Roam

It is getting increasingly difficult to tell the difference between pretentiousness, ignorance and laziness.  I stepped out at some time after midday today to acquire food that would provide the fuel necessary so that my working afternoon wasn't interrupted by my collapse onto the floor weeping with hunger.  This mission was accomplished so when I collapse weeping onto the floor it will be for completely different reasons.


It's entirely possible that one of the reasons will be attempting to differentiate which of the three undesirable characteristics mentioned above the vendors of my takeaway lunch were displaying with their menu board.  I call it a menu board out of courtesy as it didn't perform the fundamental task of a menu board which is to tell you what food is available for you to purchase.  I should also point out that the lunch place was (or fondly imagined itself to be) a cut above your average sandwich bar.  There was even a separate area where people who had apparently booked could be escorted to a table to enjoy the mysteries of the menu board.


The menu board was laid out thus; salad was announced.  After the salad in a spirit of wild generosity we were invited to add a protein to it.  At this point I wasn't sure whether I had wandered into a food shop or a biology lab.  You had to pay extra for the protein.  Presumably sourcing protein is a little harder than acquiring salad.


It probably is harder to source protein.  After all the definition of salad can, with a certain amount of generosity, be extended to pretty much any accumulation of vegetable matter.  Every pot plant is a potential salad (add some vinaigrette and it becomes an actual salad).  Formally identifying the specific vegetables involved is just so passé.  As for identifying the protein, well let's just be glad that there is some shall we.  Deep, far reaching investigations as to how the protein might have been sourced or what original organic material provided said protein is probably far too much effort for a takeaway lunch in any event.


At least this is the message being sent by the menu board.  Basically what they are offering is random plant material with the addition of a lump of meat (or lentils, or soybeans or quinoa - all good sources of protein if you absolutely insist on contributing to the spread of animals around the world).  Actually identifying the protein source is apparently beneath them.  Or possibly they simply don't know.  Perhaps a refrigerated truck turns up each day with 44 gallon drums simply labelled "protein" and they just scoop lumps of it out whenever somebody decides to garnish their random plant material.


I like to think of protein as a magnificent beast; shaggy of fur and wide swept of horn roaming proudly across the less built up areas of our great nation.  Think of a cross between a yak and a water buffalo.  In days gone by Aborigines used to hunt them, not for food but just for the sheer hell of it, and when white settlers came to (or rather were dumped on) these shores the presence of the protein herds was often the difference between starvation and being forced to eat salad.  Ah yes, the noble protein, who hasn't thrilled at the sight of a herd of ten thousand or more on the move trampling plants, small buildings and slow moving people as they pass.  David Attenborough must be wetting himself with anticipation at the thought of getting their migratory patterns on film.


Back at my desk with some pasta and protein (sans leaf material) I discovered that apparently mushrooms are a protein too.  At least if they are it would go some way to explaining the peculiar absence of beef from my beef ragu.