The crunch of ill polished boots on the sewage covered streets, thin cheers from the public to cover their attempts to hustle those of their children that could even remotely be considered to be sexually active indoors, well fed generals (approximately one for every two hundred soldiers) standing on podiums their medals glittering in the sun and Zimbabwean military advisors looking on approvingly.
With a picture such as the one painted above... hang on! Did I say Zimbabwean military advisors? Exactly how screwed up and fundamentally worthless does your army have to be before getting military advisors from Zimbabwe seems like a good idea? Step forward Equatorial Guinea. It's fair to say that the greatest achievement of their army is to employ various relatives and fellow tribesmen of the president who might otherwise have to work for a living.
But none of that matters today. Today such of the clapped out Soviet military equipment as can be persuaded to work will be adorned with flowers. Today the somewhat odd collection of grey painted patrol boats rotting in the harbour will be covered in bunting or at least coloured rags. Today such of the air force as the foreign employees who actually maintain and operate them can get into the air (or at least out onto the runway) will be a focal point for celebrations. For today, August 3 is Armed Forces Day in Equatorial Guinea.
A day when the population of EG (as its fondly known by absolutely no one) can give thanks to their scruffy defenders and hopefully the pirates menacing the oil rigs which are the country's sole source of revenue will take the day off.
Possibly the most positive thing the army of EG has ever done is provide its current president. Then general Teodoro Obiang overthrew his uncle in 1979 and has ruled with corrupt brutality ever since. Nevertheless it does appear both to external and internal observers that he is a distinct improvement on his uncle so score one for the military. Apart from this the army's only claim to fame is some disturbing sexual abuse allegations against its servicemen while serving on a UN peace keeping mission.
No doubt there will be events, opportunities for the public of EG to meet their military on a non armed extortion basis and possibly even a ball on the navy's flagship a Ukrainian designed, Bulgarian built, Equatorial Guinean modified thing called a landing frigate whatever the hell that is. No doubt the president himself will make a nice speech lauding the achievements of the armed forces (without needing to go into specifics) and thanking for them for their contributions to EG society. And I'm pretty sure nobody will point out that the soldiers who make up the Presidential Guard are actually mercenaries from Morocco.
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