Another Holiday Another Corpse

Every time I go on leave my co-workers kill something of mine.  Last time it was my guppy, this time it was my orchid.  I went off on my holiday leaving behind a shiny green leaved orchid.  I returned to a withered husk that could only be described as a plant because it was obviously not an animal.  On balance its probably a good thing I don't have any children to leave in my colleagues care.

Of course if you wanted to be really picky you could point out that I conveniently take my holidays just when the various plants and animals I've neglected or mistreated finally decide to give up the ghost.  Then I waltz off out the door leaving these various drain circlers in the hands of my co-workers who are faced with the unenviable task of keeping them alive.  It will come as no surprise to learn I don't agree with this at all.

Possibly the most difficult part of leaving my loved ones in the hands of others is returning to find their bodies.  Neither the guppy nor the orchid was disposed of before my return meaning that my first task on returning to my desk was to remove the remains of yet another failure to keep something alive until my return.  I'm actually starting to think they do it deliberately.  Not only do my colleagues kill the things I leave in their care but they then leave the bodies scattered around like a low budget remake of The Godfather.

I'm starting to think the killings might be deliberate although I'm not certain whether the message is that I should never leave my desk again or if I should simply not return the next time I do.  I find myself glancing sideways at my colleagues wondering whether they're just waiting for me to let my guard down.

They're trying to get me I know it.  They want me nervous and jumpy and paranoid so I can't think straight so they can make their move.  It isn't going to work, I've got every one of them marked.  There are electrical wires under my desk to fry them if they try anything.  I've got a drawer full of hidden weapons and I'm sure I've worked out the secret code they're using.  Who's a paranoid nutcase now guys?  Hey!  Hey!  You've all got orchids too, don't think they're going to survive any war.  Whatever you bring I'll return double!

I've never been more alert, the fear is making me sharp.  I know I can take them, malicious plotters all.  You'll see, one day soon I'll just be sitting here on top of a pile of mangled orchids while my colleagues weep in despair.  Note this, the day of Neil is coming!  Fear me for I am a living god and none shall escape my wrath.  Yip yip ahooooo!