Welcome Vladimir

I have a new houseguest.  A wacking big spider that I have chosen to name Vladimir.  With a solid body and a leg span as broad as my hand Vladimir is definitely something special in the spider kingdom.  Sure there are other spiders in the world that might be bigger but let's face it, I don't live in the Amazon jungle.  At the rate its being bulldozed nothing else will soon either.

Vladimir turned up on my bedroom wall a few days ago and rapidly made himself at home.  Since that time walking into my bedroom has had a frisson of excitement that I'm really not used to.  Vladimir adds to the suspense by appearing somewhere else on the wall each day.  Last night he was directly over the bedroom door which meant that I walked in, looked around and then jumped out of my skin when I went to leave.  I think Vladimir was a little unnerved as well because he reared up and displayed his fangs a couple of times when I went to turn the light off.

I'm not really sure where he goes in the daytime, he's never there when I wake up.  You might think this is a source of relief but all it means is that I have to shake all of my clothes vigorously before I put them on.  So far no outraged arachnids have stumbled blinking from my shoes rubbing the sleep from its (eight) eyes but it must be a matter of time.

Various friends have suggested I kill it, a solution which had more appeal before I gave him a name.  Now it would seem uncomfortably close to murder.  Vladimir has been pretty cunning about the whole thing too.  He kept comfortably out of reach until I got used to having him around.  Now that I've named him he's probably pretty confident that I won't approach him with homicidal intent.  Completely beside the point is the fact that one on one I'm not sure I can take him.  If I tried its entirely possible I might come home one day to find my furniture piled up on the landing.

I'm actually hoping that he will wander off on his own, preferably after eating some of the mosquitos buzzing about the place, although from the size of him he probably hunts rats and small dogs.  Hopefully no one will knock on my door demanding to know what happened to their miniature schnauzer.  I will direct their attention to the handsome tree growing outside my window while I hastily kicked the gnawed bones of their childhood pet under my armchair.

I can just imagine the scene; an angry, torch wielding mob gathers outside threatening bloody vengeance for their pets (and possibly young children) while a morbidly obese Vladimir gives an embarrassed grin and attempts,  unsuccessfully, to squeeze himself under my bed.  Meanwhile I'm stuck as the meat in the sandwich as outraged villagers batter down the door and Vladimir eyes me up and tries to determine whether he's got enough time to eat me before making his escape.

In my wilder fancies I can picture Vladimir squeezing himself into my clothing and directing the visitors attention to the handsome tree growing outside the window while he kicks my gnawed bones under the armchair.  It would be interesting to see how long it will take anyone to notice.