I'm Sorry But Cold Fusion Simply Isn't Worth It

At the ripe old age of somewhat older than me my mother has learnt how to send text messages.  This is a deeply disturbing development.  Firstly there is the potential damage to our relationship.  I have a very good relationship with my parents which is based almost exclusively on the fact that I see them infrequently enough that they have forgotten what I'm like by the next time I come to visit.  With each new foray into communications technology there is an increasing risk that my parents will actually get to know me.  It's bad enough that they read this blog.

The other issue is even more concerning for my well being and self esteem.  Self esteem can largely be defined as "an appreciation of how much better you are than most of the people you meet".  Now that my mother has mastered texting what's next?  A facebook page?  Computer programming?  Designing nuclear reactors in her spare time?  Don't misunderstand me, this would all be great for my mother.  I'm sure she would gain a great deal of fulfillment from spending her remaining years getting cold fusion up to the plate as a viable energy source. 

But what about me?  It's bad enough that my technical skills are limited to a somewhat erratic ability to change a lightbulb (I had to call an electrician the last time I tried), its going to be even worse when I have to admit that I got lost on my way to her Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony.  I already have one parent who can pretty much unravel a human DNA chain on his garage workbench, with two I'm going to look like something of an underachiever.

Of course it could be argued that with study, application and hard work I could improve my skills at least to the point where my parents no longer have to hide me in the attic when company calls.  Being possessed of highly intelligent and capable parents should be a driver making me go beyond myself and becoming the best I can be.  Well yeees, in theory I guess you're right.  In practice I'm a lazy bastard.  Besides that sounds like it would take quite a bit of time and I haven't even caught up with the last season of Game of Thrones yet.

So I'm going to have to stomp on my mother's texting before she realises how much further she could go. I do feel a little bad about that.  The Nobel prize would look great on the shelf over the fire along with her arts degree and various other proofs of ability but let's face it the cat would just knock it off anyway.  If that happened my mother would be rather upset and its no use blaming the cat, it would just look furry and adorable and she would wind up apologising for putting her proof of benefiting mankind in its way.  So I'm really doing her a favour and saving the cat a bruise or two for which PETA if nothing else should thank me.

The only trouble is I'm not really sure how to go about it and for reasons which should be obvious to anyone who has read the preceding paragraphs I'm not actually prepared to put much time or effort into it.  So what am I to do?  I think the thing is to divert my mother's attention with something else.  So far to my certain knowledge she can act, write, draw, cook, sketch, sew, paint, do calligraphy, speak three languages and make jokes in Latin.  I wonder if its too late to get her interested in gambling?  Fortunately I can now send her a text and ask her.