Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Mushroom Situation

The strange thing about mushrooms is that I don't like them.  Most of my friends, obsessed with my mythical fussiness over food, won't be surprised by this fact but I am a little.  You see I like mushroom gravy, mushroom sauce and mushroom soup.  Its just mushrooms I don't like.  One of my friends explained this by pointing out that I'm strange.

Without wishing to deny the self evident truth of that statement I do have better reasons for disliking mushrooms.  It's all about the texture, I find mushrooms creepy and unsettling to eat.  I don't like the feel of them in my mouth and chewing them is distinctly disturbing.  Mushrooms manage to be both squashy and rubbery.  Eating them is like chewing foam rubber, something else I don't like to eat.  So as you can see I have thoroughly rational reasons for disliking mushrooms.

Its nice to have a rational reason for something, normally I have to fall back on overused excuses like whimsy or mental instability.  There are other problems with mushrooms as well.  According to wikipedia (which has become the worlds premier reference material now that our knowledge is based on consensus rather than facts) mushrooms are "the fleshy spore bearing, fruiting body of a fungus".  Possibly I've seen one too many dreadful science fiction movies but I'm not crazy about ingesting anything described as spore bearing.  I have vague but horrifying images of some spore riddled fungus monster lurching down the streets while women and children flee screaming in terror.  Think of it as a vegetarian version of the zombie apocalypse.

Speaking of which, how useless would vegetarian zombies be?  "Braaaains, I need ethically sourced, organically produced meat free soy brain substitutes".  Its hardly a battle cry to strike terror into the hearts of the world.  I actually wonder if we would even bother doing anything about a vegetarian zombie apocalypse.  We'd probably just let them get on with lurching around marauding for plants.  Although, of course, no lettuce would sleep safe in its bed.

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