Just an Excuse for a Really Bad Joke

I'm thinking of getting an impala.  It's surprising to me how long I have managed to put up with an impala shaped hole in my life without doing anything about it.  Well all that is about to change.  I know that impalas are not the most popular of pets and they certainly don't make great dinner companions (except, you know, with gravy) but I'm hoping to start a trend.

For some reason impalas have never been particularly popular as pets.  When you go to the pet store the queues for roebucks and springboks are out the door but nobody even looks at the impala section.  Personally I think this is a little antelope snobbery.  All right, I know there are dark clouds over the impala's past.  There were the terrible rumours of satanism and bloody sacrifices to vile gods.  It was certainly true that there was a time when you couldn't walk into an impala bar without getting a horn through your midriff but come on people.  The last impala related atrocity took place in 1997.  Time to forgive and forget.

Frankly I think impalas have been unfairly targeted.  Every impala related incident gets wide media coverage while there seems to be a conspiracy of silence about what elk and spotted deer are getting up to.  Put it this way, if you knew what I did about spotted deer every time you watched Bambi you'd be cheering for the hunter.

Of course there are issues with keeping an impala as a pet.  For starters there is the matter of veldt.  You can't really have an impala unless you have a veldt to keep it in.  This will be awkward as I live in an apartment in the middle of the city.  However I have recently downloaded the veldt app for my iPhone which I can use to remodel my balcony.  My neighbours will certainly be surprised at the appearance of a few hundred square kilometres of lightly wooded scrubland on my balcony and they are really going to be surprised by the leopards.  Let's face it, you can't have veldt without leopards.  The two go together like alcohol and car wrecks.  Still I'm hoping my neighbours will be understanding.  I never complain about the loud music or the young lady who apparently feels the need to open all her windows before having an orgasm so I figure what's a few leopards between friends.  I wonder if I will need to get council approval before I start?

Anyway, I think I have most of the bugs ironed out.  I am definitely going to get an impala.  I'm going to name it Vlad.