The latest news out of South America (apart from Hugo Chavez's overdue death, honestly the man took longer over his farewell than Frank Sinatra) is that some enterprising pet sellers have been bulking up ferrets on steroids and giving them grooming makeovers and then passing the results off as toy poodles and chihuahuas. Apparently the owner of one such "toy poodle" grew suspicious when his pet exhibited a desire to become a nightclub bouncer. One can't help wondering though what sort of pet seller can get their hands on steroids and not chihuahuas? And why don't they just sell the steroids?
The above scam was long thought to be a urban myth and based on my source for the information quite possibly still is. I have to admit to being a little conflicted by this story. On the one hand the idea of ferrets being force fed steroids is appalling. On the other hand the story itself is hilarious. It also gives me an idea for a new business; retrofitting pets. Not happy with the way your furry (or feathered or scaly) friend looks at the moment? Bring it down to my workshop and I'll give it a make over. I'm going to call it Pimp My Puppy.
Not happy with your goanna? Some rice bubbles and a little superglue and suddenly its a gila monster. Is your parrot looking a little dowdy? Some blue ink and a feather duster and you've got yourself a peacock. Is your schnauzer a bit passe? A shag rug and a comb over and its a miniature english sheepdog. For added verisimilitude leave a couple of paint cans lying about the place. A fat chihuahua can become a pug with the assistance of a croquet mallet and of course if you want an axolotl just take a crap in a fish tank.
As can be seen from the above I don't have a great deal of sympathy with the concept of designer pets. Apparently if it can crawl, fly or slither somebody will have one as a pet. I was going to get an octopus. There were several advantages to the idea not least the fact that it comes with a built in leash but I eventually decided against it on the grounds that it is unwise to have a pet smarter than you are. That thing was a bugger to flush down the toilet I can tell you.
Still if you're famous, wealthy or living in close proximity to a rainforest only the most exotic will do. One US hedge fund manager famously keeps a pig in his Manhattan apartment (or did until the pig started complaining about the neighbours), big cats have always been popular with high net worth wankers and I'm sure there are a scattering of monkeys, tapirs, warthogs and pythons across our suburbs. In fact whenever we hear that an animal has become extinct we should probably conduct a house to house search just to make sure.
Still, living where I do the likelihood is that most of my business will come from taking toy poodles and chihuahuas, slimming them down, shaving off their fur and trying to pass them off as ferrets.
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