How to Tell if Your Country Sucks

The current disaster in Haiti is what prompted this singularly ill informed rant so I thought I might start with a brief history of that nation courtesy of the timeline below;

1492 - Christopher Columbus finds the island of Hispaniola (he ran aground on part of it).

1517 - Due to the unfortunate habit of dying the locals have picked up the first slaves are imported.

1600 (or thereabouts) - French buccaneers settle western part of the island of Hispaniola.

1697 - Treaty of Ryswick allocates the left hand third of the island to France. Corrupt, brutal, slave exploiting Spaniards are replaced by corrupt, brutal, slave exploiting French. This will become the nation of Haiti.

1792 - Taking the French Revolution far too seriously slaves and "free people of colour" rise in revolt under the leadership of Toussaint l'Ouverture.

1802 - Displaying the sort of moral integrity for which they have become famous the French invite l'Ouverture to negotiate. At the negotiations they kidnap him and smuggle him out to France where he dies.

1803 - Haitians under l'Ouverture's successor Jean-Jacques Dessalines defeat French troops and declare independence.

1 minute later - Haiti descends into crazed anarchy as one murderous despot follows another in a demented round of political roulette.

2010 - Earthquake hits.

Oh yes, along the way the Haitians also invented voodoo. This is possibly the only product the nation has managed to export. Honestly what else can happen to Haiti? If a meteorite hit most of the population probably wouldn't look up from what they were doing. What else can happen to Haiti? Here's one thing. Angelina Jolie has turned up in her capacity as UN ambassador for really hot chicks with too much time on their hands. That rumbling noise you heard from Haiti wasn't an aftershock. It was the sound of several million Haitian parents hiding their children. Is it really fair to send Angelina to Haiti right now. They already feel pretty bad about themselves and now here is this incredibly attractive person posing in front of crumbled buildings they have to live in and nodding with a serious expression while the minister for nepotism explains why he put his mongoloid cousin in charge of the relief effort.

Meanwhile in Europe things are far more serious but much less important. Greece has gone bankrupt and it looks like Portugal and Spain will follow. Was anybody surprised at this news? Greece has given some fine things to the world; democracy, philosophy, sodomy but as economic managers they haven't exactly set the world on fire. As for Spain who would have thought an economy based on selling drugs to British teenagers and houses to British mobsters could have proved so fragile. Portugal has been an economic basket case since at least 1522. Apparently we're gearing up for GFC II - The Markets Strike Back. There are many places where GFC one hasn't finished running yet and now we have a sequel.

Over in America the latest method of reducing the number of unemployed seems to be hoping they get caught in heavy snowfalls. Unemployment is at ten percent although I think President Obama is insisting that they have actually achieved ninety percent employment which sounds much better. If things get worse the next country the US military invades will have to be their own.

I look around at the world and realise that the best way a person can ensure a reasonable lifestyle is to arrange to be born in the right country. For this reason I have drawn up a simple marking table below. The higher your nation's score the better.

• If Angelina Jolie or Madonna have recently visited your country. deduct 20 points
• If they left with an extra child. deduct 30 points
• If you hate McDonalds and Starbucks. add 10 points
• If you can't afford McDonalds or Starbucks. deduct 10 points
• If any organisation with the words "without borders" in its title visits frequently. deduct 20 points
• If politcal activists are demanding that US troops enter rather than leave. deduct 30 points
• If economic collapse means starvation rather than a hissy fit about the bonuses paid on Wall Street. deduct 20 points.
• If meeting an endangered species is a moment of joy rather than a meal opportunity. add 20 points
  
• If you are more concerned with migrants trying to enter your country than trying to leave it yourself. add 30 points.
• If home ownership means taking out a mortgage rather than squatting in rubble. add 20 points
  
• If you can say "fuck the police" without having them beat you to death right there in the street. add 10 points.
• If global warming and environmental degradation are your principal concerns. add 20 points
• If keeping your child alive on the offchance that one day you might be able to afford the medicine that can cure it is your principal concern. deduct 30 points.
• If your country's name has five letters beginning with "H" and ending in "i". deduct 500 points

I score 60 (and would have done better if I cared more about the environment), how did you do?