These Boots Are Made for Hobbling

Should some nameless disaster wipe out the human race tomorrow what would visiting alien archaeologists think of our species?  Possibly the very first question would be; "What was the matter with their legs?"

Everywhere I look there are people with boots, struts, braces and assorted other leg supplements strapped to their lower limbs.  The sheer number of people limping, hobbling and even striding about with these impedimenta is quite amazing.  What the hell happened?  Was there a massive leg incident that escaped my notice?  Is it some sort of creeping, universal condition?  Can I expect to wake up one morning and not get out of bed without clamping some sort of superstructure to my walking parts?

These leg adornments come in all shapes and sizes from the modest foot to knee device which looks like a shin helmet to a complex collection of black struts and metal connectors reaching all the way up to the thigh my first sight of which made me think that a fetish store was having an end of year sale.  If the purpose of these devices is to assist in walking then they seem to work as nobody wearing them seems to have any difficulties getting about but that does make me wonder what they are actually for.

If I think about it rationally for a moment (something I'm usually loathe to do in this blog) I suppose that the reason there are so many of them about is because these latest temporary prostheses are permitting the injured who would otherwise be housebound annoying their relatives to get out and annoy their fellow humans on a broader scale.  That can't be the complete reason though if only because I would surely have noticed how empty the streets were prior to this as all of the various leg injury sufferers languished at home.  The sheer number of people sporting them makes me suspect we have moved from a purely medical necessity to a fashion statement.

Couldn't afford to go skiing this year?  No problem get yourself a leg brace and pretend you did anyway.  Nobody is going to look at your "skiing injury" and challenge you on how you got it.  Sick and tired of being pestered by fund raisers for various disability causes?  Strap one of these babies on and start collecting yourself.  Need the perfect excuse to avoid that father/son fun run?  Whip out the boot and sadly inform your son (or father) that while of course you would love to stumble, sweating and gasping through the Summer sun in the company of a bunch of people fitter than you are while your son (or father) sniggers at you and fingers the do not resuscitate card you gave him in a moment of weakness but unfortunately your ingrown toenail has flared up again and you're one limp away from a wheelchair.  Better yet, get yourself a wheelchair.

For the fashion conscious one can accessorise.  Leg brace bling will be the big thing amongst those with money and no taste.  I can imagine Kim Kardashian doing whatever the hell it is that she does with a diamond encrusted leg brace glittering in the sun.  Her husband (presuming she's still married by the time I get to the end of this blog entry) can have his tricked out in gold with platinum insets and loads of heavy chains possibly weighing him down to the point where he can't walk which would be ironically amusing for the rest of us but which he probably wouldn't understand.  Then there could be a reality show; Bracing Kanye perhaps or Kim in Boots. 

The opportunities are endless and almost universally dreadful.  In the meantime while I wait for Kim and Kanye to call me I will shuffle past endless hordes of cybernetically enhanced people feeling more than a little inadequate at the fact that I'm forced to rely on my own bones to support me.  Skeletal structures are so five minutes ago.