I Care For My Orchid But My Orchid Doesn't Care For Me

I am sitting two feet away from a dying orchid.  I know it's dying because it has been left to me to look after.  I googled "how to care for orchids" and all it said was, "Keep Neil away from them".  I'm gazing at it with some despair, I can also see it wilting in front of my eyes.  All around me are other orchids bursting with life but I suspect that if mine wasn't firmly connected to a metal spike it would already have collapsed over the desk.

Lest, gentle reader, you feel that I was foolhardy enough to adopt an orchid and take responsibility for its welfare through choice permit me a brief note of explanation.  Recently my employers renovated the premises in which I am pleased to claim I work.  All sorts of exciting and borderline useful additions were made including a massive big screen tv in the kitchen (annoying because people insist on watching it) and various sort of gazebo things for people to sit in if you're the kind of person who thinks getting out and about for lunch involves walking three metres and then having an indoor picnic.

Finally to round off this brilliant collection of innovations and achievements an orchid was placed on each desk along with a small card of care instructions.  There was no explicit requirement that the occupant of the desk should look after it but let's face it you don't want to be the only one with a scraggy, near death orchid.  So far I'm the only one with a scraggy, near death orchid. 

The instructions basically said give it 40mls of water once a week and try and keep an even temperature throughout the day.  40mls of water was helpfully described as equivalent to a shot glass thus indicating that if nothing else my employers know the kind of language that will resonate with their staff.  I have dutifully sprinkled approximately a shot glass or so of water over the plant but yet it seems to be dying.  At least I think it was water, possibly I should keep the bottle of vodka on my desk a little further from the orchid in future.  Keeping an even temperature is beyond my control.  In an airconditioned environment you would think that maintaining an even temperature would be simple.  Unfortunately our air conditioning is intelligent which is to say it is stupid in a very sophisticated way.  The temperature changes automatically throughout the day in response to the time of the day and the temperature outside.  What this means is that we tend to freeze during the hottest parts of the day and boil when the snow is piling up outside.  The orchid is looking more than a little shell shocked.

Sadly I can't blame my orchid's woes on the vagaries of the airconditioning system.  I look across at my neighbours desk and see an orchid that is positively thriving under the conditions described above.  Just across the way are orchids that are absolute riots of colour and vibrant flowers.  My own orchid shrinks from them, ashamed to show its wilted stem and drooping flowers in such august company.  I'm concerned that I'm not watering it enough.  This is a concern I have any time I have a plant to look after right up until the point when it dies a bloated, waterlogged death.

So, a shot glass of water once a week.  No problem; I have gone up to our firms kitchen, obtained a shot glass, filled it with water, transferred that water to a paper cup then skilfully cut up a post it note and used the sticky bit to mark where the water has to come up to so that I can reuse the cup.  Once all of these preparations were completed I poured the water over the orchid paying (as per the instructions) special attention to the leaves and roots.  I wouldn't go to this much effort to look after a child.  Now lovingly, if paranoically, tended I am expecting big things from my orchid.  When I come it on Monday there had better be massive flowers all over my desk.