Yet Another Silly After Action Report

Oberst von Kattelrussler stopped his inspection of the men's foxholes as a disturbance further down the hillside caught his attention.
"What the hell is that?" he muttered.  He looked around but von Kummerbund was nowhere to be seen.
"Damn the man, honestly why can't I get decent subordinates?"  He hastily signed off on a lice readiness report and handed it to the gefreiter.
"Where the hell is von Kummerbund and what is all the fuss about?"
"I believe a new Junior Officer has arrived sir," replied the gefreiter carefully tearing the report up and stuffing a cushion with it.  "Major von Kummerbund is greeting him."

Greeting may have been technically what von Kummerbund was doing but he had abandoned most of it in favour of simply staring in disgust.  In front of him was a short flabby man in an ill fitting uniform.  The greasy rolls of fat around his collar were not enhanced by an apparent disinclination to shave and the eyes that peered at him with indifference were yellow where they weren't bloodshot.

"Dear god," muttered von Kummerbund as Junior Officer scratched at his choppily shaven head, dislodging a partially completed cigarette from behind his ear as he did so.  "Where the hell did you come from?"
"Potsdam, I was in a mail sorting unit when the word went out that this regiment needed a Junior Officer.  Sorry, I guess I should have saluted."
"Yes, and stood to attention, and got a clean uniform, and shaved, and washed!"  Von Kummerbund was about to develop this promising line of communication further when something Junior Officer said caught his attention.  "Wait a minute.  Do you mean you volunteered?"
Junior Officer smiled revealed irregular, nicotine stained teeth.
"That's right Herr Major, eager for action that's me."  He looked like any sort of action might give him a heart attack.
"I don't know whether to be appalled or, no actually appalled is my only option.  Welcome aboard Junior Officer, I'm sure you'll fit right in. Here comes the chief."

Oberst von Kattelrussler made his way towards them chewing on his swagger stick as he dodged from bush to bush.  Junior Officer brightened up and waved enthusiastically.
"Hi Uncle Heinrich!"
Von Kattelrussler gave a horrified smile and waved back weakly.
"Right," muttered von Kummerbund, "we are all definitely going to die."

So this is our latest Poland in Flames outing. BFP 131 - Zboiska Heights.  Here I command a tough batch of gebirgsjager backed up with some impressive looking guns as they try and hold a hill against a mass of Poles who seem to be coming from all directions.  To hold the hill I have eight elite squads, four first line squads and six crews.  To back this lot up I have a 105mm gun, a 75mm gun and an 81mm mortar plus a pair of mmgs and an hmg.  I also get fourteen foxholes and a bunch of concealment counters.  Leadership, too, is good (von Kattelrussler must have had the day off) with four officers headed up by a 9-2 and a 9-1.  I also get four more elite squads as reinforcements on turn four.  Ivan gets a massive force, to the north facing a lot of open ground are eight first line and ten green squads with a 75mm artillery piece, a truck, an hmg, a mmg and three 46mm mortars.  Entering from the south on turn one are ten elite squads with some very impressive leaders, four dinky little tankettes (one mounting a thoroughly respectable 47mm gun), a pair of machine gun armed trucks and a couple of normal trucks for reasons neither of us could determine.  Oh yes, he also got some 100mm OBA.  To win Ivan had to push me off the level 3 hill hexes.

At set up.  North is to the right

I must confess I didn't like my chances on this one.  I could see myself being crushed between two fires.  I decided that the west (top) would be my main defensive position thus hopefully covering my reinforcement route (they came in on the west edge).  Down in the east I had a squad and a half with an lmg and a bunch of dummies to pretend I had a defence.  In the west I had four elite squads, nestled in foxholes with a squad and lmg commanded by my 9-2 leading the defence.  Facing north I had a crew with my hmg in the centre (guided by the 9-1) with a couple of other squads nearby.  Behind my main line in the west I had a mmg crew and the 81mm mortar team sitting in foxholes with a clear line of sight to the open ground Ivan's northern troops would have to run over.  The other two guns I placed facing south hoping I might be able to get some armour kills as his guys rolled on.

Things were pretty quiet in the north.  Ivan inched his troops forward pretty much unseen by my boys while he brought his (perfectly accurate) artillery down on my hmg position.  One of my squads nearby broke but my hmg team would sit cheerfully under the steel rain without consequences despite Ivan adding his 75mm to the firepower against them.

It was in the south that the action started at a frantic pace. Ivan brought on a pair of tanks and both gun trucks along the west edge supporting a trio of squads toting an mmg and led by a fearsome 9-2.  I couldn't do much about the the tanks but small arms fire took out one of the trucks and the other parked to return fire while the tanks attempted a little flanking.  One of them rolled up onto a hill in line of sight of my lmg team and was promptly set on fire.  It's fair to say I was quite happy with the way the first turn went.  His infantry eased slowly forward and a pair of tanks rolled on in the east as well.

End turn 1.  First blood to me while Ivan's northern troops are still slogging towards the battlefield

In the centre Ivan brought on two trucks laded (two squads apiece) with infantry.  Unfortunately he brought them on directly in the line of sight of my 105mm gun which promptly vapourised a truck and two squads.  Its fair to say this slowed Ivan's progress in the south centre as his other truck promptly stamped on the brakes and told the infantry to find their own way forward.  In the west a probing squad by Ivan was broken but the remainder of his troops there bulked formidable.  In the north he crawled forwards and the artillery continued to hammer me without much result.  Aside from that there was little to report.  In the east his green troops limped slowly towards what (had he but known it) was a very sketchy defence.

Thanks to my 105mm Ivan's tanks in the east are looking a little lonely

In the face of a killer stack three squads strong I pulled back a squad in the west from its defensive position.  My intention was to send it over the hill to take a reverse slope (from the south) position but Ivan followed me into the orchard.  This allowed me to reveal my 75mm to take a shot at this massive kill stack.  I gacked the shot and the kill stack lived up to its name by killing the 75s gun crew.  One of my most potent weapons gone.  I wept and cursed of course but in actual fact that moment was the worst in the game for me.  After that it rapidly unravelled for Ivan.  He spread his three squad kill stack in the east out to deal with my squad that was dancing around above him "protected" by orchards.  These heroes then broke two of said squads and pinned his 9-2 leader.  To add insult to injury he boxcarred one of the morale checks and an elite squad was suddenly a broken first line halfsquad.  In the south centre he pushed forward against limited resistance but I managed to break another squad as it took the risk of dashing across a road.

Ivan's northern force is getting killed

The remnants of that centre force managed to break the mmg team supposedly defending the 75 and captured that position but they didn't have anywhere to go where they wouldn't be exposed to fire from my remaining troops.  His remaining tank in the west rolled up to my mmg post and the two of them spent the rest of the game firing on each other without effect.  When he attempted to start up his remaining truck small arms fire took care of that as well.

Which just leaves the north.  With a couple of squads, my 81mm mortar and my hmg all still operating I quite literally slaughtered Ivan's force trying to come across a hill bare of cover.  The only unit that got close to me was one that went berserk on a morale check.  Literally everything else broke and then died.  Far down in the east his green troops had suffered their own casualties but had finally butted up against my less than magnificent defence.  It didn't really matter, they had neither the movement or the numbers to break through.  Ivan conceded on turn four before my reinforcements arrived.  His southern infantry was chopped into two mutually unsupporting groups both under pressure, the bulk of his northern infantry were dead and he had lost a tank and two gun trucks in addition to shocking infantry losses.  I held the west solidly and my reinforcements were due.  There was no point beyond simple masochism in continuing.

The end.  Some gains in the east (bottom) can't compensate for Ivan's appalling casualties elsewhere

Strangely both Ivan and I approached this game with trepidation.  I looked at the sheer number of Polish troops and the fact that they hit me from two sides and felt like the meat in a sandwich.  Ivan looked at the vast amount of open ground to the north and the cluttered terrain in the south which restricted his tank options and felt under pressure as well.  With this over we've decided to take a break from Poland in Flames for a while.  We feel like we need a bit of a change.  For some reason Ivan has decided to pander to my Italian fetish so for our next game I'm digging out the rather ancient Showdown at Tug Argan Pass.

Major von Kummerbund stared at the road where a yawning crater adorned with a single tire marked where a truck had briefly been.  Junior Officer had produced a couple of cans of beer from somewhere and was drinking with the gefreiter in the shadow of a 105mm gun.

"Junior Officer," said von Kummerbund faintly, "where did you get the 105 from?"

Junior Officer belched, "Oh I won it in a game of skat from some artillery boys behind the line.  It was nice of them to set it up for us though."

Von Kummerbund stared at Junior Officer with suspicion,

"You're the smart one in your family, aren't you?"

Junior Officer grinned, "My aunt engineered my transfer so that I could keep an eye on uncle Heinrich, he can get a little excitable."

"Believe me, we've noticed."

Silly After Action Report

"Junior Officer!  Junior Officer!!"  Oberst von Kattelrussler stared around in irritation.  "Damn the man, what's happened to him?"  A familiar figure failed to evade his line of vision, "Ah von Kummerbund.  Where the hell is Junior Officer?  I need a sample of his lung tissue."

Major von Kummerbund looked at the long handled, none too clean tongs his commander was holding and decided not to ask.  Instead he controlled his temper as best he could.

"Junior Officer, sir, died like a hero fighting incredible odds while you were wrestling a beech tree."

"Oh yes, that's right.  So, I guess no lung tissue then.  Wait a minute what about his replacement?"

"We don't have one yet sir.  Do you remember that massive burst of firing that broke out all along the line the other day?  We all thought it was another Polish counterattack."

"What about it?" demanded von Kattelrussler.

"It turns out it was every junior officer in the army shooting themselves in the foot to avoid being posted here."

Von Kattelrussler thought for a moment, scratching his head with the tongs.

"I know, take out an ad in the local paper.  Junior Officer required for elite army regiment.  Applicants must be young, fit and prepared to travel.  Loyalty to the Greater German Reich preferred.  Healthy lungs essential.  Oh and point out that the German army is an unequal opportunity employer."

"I'm sure that will go down well in the Warsaw Gazette.  Getting back to the war for just a moment sir do you happen to know what our next assignment is?"

Von Kattelrussler wasn't listening, he was staring at something over von Kummerbund's left shoulder.  Pointing he asked,  "What on earth is that?"

Von Kummerbund turned, "It appears to be an entire Polish armoured regiment charging in this direction."

"Well carry on von Kummerbund.  I'll pop back to the rear area and see if there's any news."

This is ASL Scenario BFP 130 which involves a scratch bunch of Germans defending against a Polish counterattack supported by a large but rather eclectic bunch of armour.  Ivan "the Bane of Neil's existence" Kent will command the defending Germans while I shall attempt to lead this Polish Panzerkeil to victory.

To achieve this no doubt inevitable victory I have fourteen first line infantry squads guided by three officers with a trio of medium machine guns and an anti tank rifle for no other reason than because I think the scenario designer has an unhealthy obsession with them.  Providing mechanical noises are nine armoured fighting vehicles of various types.  A pair of dinky little TKS tanks with a trivial machine gun, a couple of decrepit armoured cars, one of those awesome tanks carrying a pair of hmgs in twin turrets and four pretty decent tanks mounting 37 and 47mm guns.  Still its a pretty heterogeneous bunch and it would take skill to use them properly.

To defend Ivan starts out with eight first line squads, a pair of leaders, a 75mm gun, a medium machine gun and (with more than usual relevance) an anti tank rifle.  Starting on turn three Ivan can bring on his reinforcements, four more first line squads, two more officers and three half tracks each towing a gun; two 47mm AT guns (don't laugh, they're genuine tank killers at this stage of the war) and an 88mm AA gun which seems just a little over the top.

This is the set up.  I have to push through the Germans, get across the creek and capture the buildings on the other side.  I had a plan which I really should have stuck to.  I kept back my best tanks and set up the two little TKS clunkers at the top.  The plan was to use these to plunge through the trees and create trail breaks for the remaining armour to follow.  The bulk of my infantry (shepherded by an armoured car and another tank) would come through the centre and hit the German defences while a single tank and a handful of troops would keep Ivan busy in the bottom.

Things went well (harbinger of doom).  The two TKSs rolled forwards and obediently created the required trail breaks while the bulk of my infantry pushed forward in the centre.  Ivan revealed a squad with the anti tank rifle in the woods but the TKS are so damn small its difficult to hit them.  Sadly I was seduced by ephemeral success at the bottom.  My tank rolled forward and I took some risks with my infantry and concluded (correctly) that his defences down there were largely dummies.

So far, so good.

This seemed to be an opening and I changed my plans and decided to bring my remaining tanks down along the bottom and plough through the stream.  I had fond dreams of establishing my tanks near the victory buildings before Ivan could either retreat his main force or bring on his reinforcements.  Of course Ivan had anticipated this and had placed his 75mm gun to cover this approach.  He actually let my lead tank splash through the stream and roll up next to the gun before revealing himself to hit the more formidable tanks coming behind.  I still wasn't terribly worried, I had three tanks in position and he had one gun.  I might lose a tank but I figured I could take out the gun and then the way would be cleared.  Ivan took out two tanks in the first fire phase (honestly does he ever get punished for intensive fire?) and suddenly I had precisely one tank left parked right next to his gun.

Things are about to go to hell down the bottom.  Meanwhile despite armoured support my infantry are getting nowhere

Over in the village my infantry were making heavy weather of getting forward due to the fact that I was finding it difficult to hurt his infantry inside the stone buildings.  Suddenly bereft of a role my little TKS tanks decided to at least put the fear of god into Ivan.  I rolled them round behind his defences.  At first I just intended to block rout paths but then I realised I could at least get these guys into back play and threaten his reinforcements so they charged boldly across the river into the orchard.

Ivan's gun towing halftracks have arrived but my TKS tanks will be coming to meet them

Meanwhile Ivan had simply ignored the tank sitting next to his gun and had turned it around to shoot into the rear of my armour still attempting to help my infantry into the village.  I had rolled a tank into bypass on a building hex to lock up the troops there.  Ivan promptly immobilised it with the 75 but the crew stayed in and I finally managed to get some troops up close and personal.  I think I fumbled the infantry moves a bit but I finally accumulated a decent amount of firepower and was systematically dismantling his garrison.  I was also systematically dismantling medium machine guns.  I managed to malf and then break two of my three in successive fire and rally phases.  Just for the record while Ivan's 75mm was tearing my tank force apart the tank sitting next to him was blasting away at him for all he was worth, he just wasn't getting any results.

Things seem to have slowed down a little

Ivan brought on his troops and half tracks and my reception committee proved incapable of stopping them from getting where they needed to go.  He sent the two 47mm guns down the bottom of the board and looped the 88mm up around the top to cover the bridge.  His infantry reinforcements ignored my pathetic 2FP shots from the TKS and made it to the victory buildings.  But one of my TKS was about to cover itself in glory.  In a manner of speaking.

Things look good, briefly

Still I was grinding slowly forward in the village backed by remaining armour (one tank and two armoured cars) and finally I managed to break the crew of his damn 75mm thus releasing my tank down there to charge for the victory locations.  Sadly it was a turn too late.  Ivan had positioned a 47mm gun to guard the approaches and when a snake eyes shot killed the crew he promptly moved the other 47mm into the same location.  I had plans, however, for the 88.  Relying on the difficulty in hitting the little TKS I rolled the pair of them around behind the 88.  Or rather I rolled one of them because despite the difficulty in hitting them Ivan managed to take one of them out with an anti tank rifle immediately.  The other trundled up to his 88 and overran it.  For no result.  Ivan then fired from within his own hex and reduced the TKS to flaming scrap.  Which meant that the 88 would now be firing out of smoke for the rest of the scenario.  Posthumous decorations are already in the mail to family members of the crew.

I started feeling hopeful again.  I had pretty much cleared the garrison and surely I had enough armour left to shepherd my infantry across the bridge and into the victory buildings.  Sadly that evil bitch close combat was about to ruin my hopes.  I looked to clear out his remaining troops by overwhelming them with superior numbers in close combat.  You know how this goes.  He managed to slaughter a bunch of my troops with a mere handful of his.  The absolute prize going to the officer who took out a half squad single handed and suddenly I was thin on the ground and running out of time.

I'm in position or would be if it wasn't for the CC

Fresh from its overly prolonged struggle with the 75mm my tank rolled up to his 47mm gun and was reduced to scrap (in fairness there was little else I could do, in honesty I had forgotten the damn thing was there).  Still it provided me with a little cover and I rolled my machine gun tank across the bridge to give a little more protection.  So Ivan's 88 fired out of smoke and killed it.  Nevertheless I was getting a decent amount of steel protection for my advance.  Sadly interminable close combats had eaten up the time to the point where I couldn't take a cautious approach.  To be blunt I simply charged forward.  It didn't really need Ivan's predilection for rolling threes when he needs them to turn my surge into a bloody mess but by that time it was little more than a forlorn hope anyway.  When his 88 managed to get a critical hit on one of my squads despite firing out of smoke I took the hint and conceded.

Underneath the acquisition counter and in the stream is a mess of shattered troops that mark the end of my dreams

I made a couple of mistakes in this one (although strangely I don't think overrunning an 88 with a TKS was one of them).  I should have stuck to my original plan which might have put a formidable amount of armour in the rear area.  Even so I think this is rather tough on the Poles.  They have a fair way to go and quite a bit of opposition to overcome.  Next week I'm taking the Germans who are defending against another Polish attack.  I'm honestly starting to think Poland invaded Germany.

Major von Kummerbund watched as the remnants of the Polish force limped off the battlefield.  A smoke grimed gefreiter (let's face it the regiment only has one) limped up to him and saluted.

"They're pulling back sir."

"Excellent, where's the oberst?"

Wordlessly the gefreiter pointed to where a Polish tank was burning furiously, strangely there was an AA gun positioned directly underneath it.  Oberst von Kattelrussler stumbled out of the smoke in a badly charred uniform.  Strangely losing his eyebrows hadn't made him look any more unusual.

"Bit of luck my running into these guns while I was inspecting the supply lines wasn't it?" he said cheerily.  Behind him the crew of the AA gun had abandoned their position and were attempting to put out the flames on their uniforms. 

"Yes sir," replied von Kummerbund evenly.  "And may I commend you on their positioning."  As if the emphasise his point there was a dull roar as flames reached the ammunition stacked around the AA gun.

Von Kattelrussler blinked, "Oh dear, I hope they didn't want that back."

Have A Pie

Can you guess what day it is today?  Have you possibly missed the bunting, the public holiday, the massed crowds cheering in the streets?  Of course you haven't and of course you know without me telling you that today is Pi Day.  "No it isn't you idiot,"  I hear you cry, "it's Wednesday."
Well yes it is Wednesday but this is a special Wednesday for this is the day set aside to celebrate Pi.  Pi, of course is that irritating number that seems to exist solely so that people with eidetic memories can amuse themselves and irritate others by reciting it to several million decimal places.  Sometimes some sadly underemployed computers are used to do the same thing calculating the number to literally trillions of decimal places.

Here's the thing.  If knowing the seven trillionth decimal place of pi was actually important to the functioning of the universe in any way then we would probably have vanished in a mathematical catastrophe by now.  Despite the utter pointlessness of pi some physicists desperately in need of a date managed to get March 14th semi officially recognised as Pi Day.  Feel free to visit the official Pi Day website for more details (http://www.piday.org/).  US Congress totally failed its collective responsibilities as responsible adults by giving pseudo acknowledgement to this pitiable attempt at scientific celebration by passing a non binding resolution recognising 14 March 2009 as National Pi Day. 

For the record a non binding resolution is when legislators want to show themselves vaguely in favour of something without actually committing themselves to doing anything about it.  It's sort of like joining the United Nations or desiring world peace.  Nobody expects you to do anything but you look like a bit of a dick if you don't sign up.

So with Congress indicating its benevolent disinterest Pi Day was off and running.  Mainly it was running around the circumference of a circle.  Not a good mathematics joke I know but anybody who saw my high school maths results would be surprised that I managed to make it without assistance.

How is Pi Day celebrated.  Well a lot of it involves pies.  This is proof if proof were needed that not even physicists or mathemeticians actually know what to do with pi.  Pies are made, shared and doubtless enjoyed.  Hopefully in smoky taverns (which are a thing of the past damn anti smoking laws) hard drinking scientists are slamming down shots, gorging themselves on pies and listening in rapt delight as the star attraction; cigarette in hand, pie juice dribbling down his chin shotguns a beer and belches pi to seventy thousand decimal places.

In Japan and Korea of course this isn't Pi Day it's White Day.  A celebration which would sound a lot more disturbing if it was going on in Arkansas for example.  This is basically Valentines Day payback where men who received gifts of chocolate or whatever from women on Valentines Day are supposed to return the favour.  Traditionally the value of the gift should be three times that received by the man.  I say traditionally, but since Japan and Korea have been around for centuries and White Day has only been celebrated since 1978 I probably mean "non traditionally".  Since Valentines Day isn't traditional to Japanese or Korean culture either you'd probably guessed that.  You also probably won't be surprised to hear that the whole thing was got up by Japan's National Confectionery Industry Association.

Speaking of which we should probably check out whether Sara Lee had any involvement in Pi Day.

Slow News Day

I held a crisis meeting of this blog's senior management the other day.  Present were myself, my Tasmanian correspondent and my Belarusian tech support who have recently surprised me by revealing they own 64% of my blog and my immortal soul.  It's still better than relying on the NBN.  The reason for the meeting was the sudden lack of material coming in from Tasmania.

"What do you mean there's nothing to report?" I demanded.

"This is Tasmania," she replied.  "Nothing can happen here for years at a time."

"That's true," said my tech support, "our intelligence dossier on Tasmania is written on the back of a postcard.  With plenty of room for the stamp and our address."

"There must be something," I said trying not to let the desperation show.  "I ran out of ideas for this blog three years ago.  It's only after action reports and wacky stories from Tasmania keeping the whole thing afloat."

"I've been bushwalking," said my correspondent under the mistaken impression that she was helping.  "Oh yes, and Hobart hospital is falling down even more."

"Boring," I snorted, "we've done all that before."

"We know Hobart hospital," said my tech support.  "We accidentally released a genetically engineered smallpox virus there a few years ago.  Nobody noticed."

We sat there in silence for several minutes bereft of ideas.  To pass the time my tech support engineered a coup in a small African country.

"Well," said my correspondent hesitantly, "there is the election."

My eyes rolled back so far they almost fell down my throat.

"Oh dear god not the election," I muttered.

This is the thing about Tasmanian elections.  There are three parties in Tasmania.  One purports to be the party of business which basically involves wasting taxpayers money propping up failing enterprises so that their CEOs can still afford to move somewhere else.  The next is the party of the workers which basically involves wasting taxpayers money propping up failing enterprises so they can continue to employ a small handful of not particularly efficient workers.  The final one is an environment party which basically wants to sweep the human plague from the surface of the earth but in the mean time settles for wasting taxpayers money on antisocial programs and national parks.  The people of Tasmania periodically go to the polls to see which pack of clowns is going to mismanage the state's future for the next few years.

"I don't want to hear a single word about your damn election.  The ones I have to vote in are bad enough."

"What's an election?" asked my tech support.

"How about the Tasmanian tiger?" asked my correspondent, suddenly hopeful.

"I thought they were all dead."

"They are but scientists are planning to bring them back."

Excitement gripped me, "Really?  Have they been successful?"

"No," replied my tech support, "and there are packs of eight foot tall, stripy, six legged wolves roaming the streets of Minsk to prove it."

"That's terrible," I said, "are the people worried?"

"No they're grateful for the extra protein."

"So much for that.  No Tasmanian tigers, no exciting events in our southern state and even the mutated wolf issue in Belarus seems to be solving itself.  OK meeting adjourned.  I'll just cobble together some rubbish from the minutes and hope nobody notices."

"So I can go then?" asked my correspondent.

"Yes, yes off you go,"  I signalled my tech support to remove the restraints.

"That's good, I should get home.  One of my daughters got beaten up by a wombat over the weekend."

"Wait, what?"

But she was already gone.

Silly After Action Report

Junior Officer huddled a little further down in his foxhole and peered out through the trees.  Major von Kummerbund dropped into the foxhole next to him.
"Seems quiet enough," said the major as he scanned the countryside with those big binoculars that German tank commanders always have in war movies.
"Perhaps a little too quiet," muttered Junior Officer uneasily.
A blood curdling scream echoed through the forest.
"Von Kummerbund help!  I'm being attacked by a tree!"
"Is that better?" asked von Kummerbund sardonically?  Reluctantly he dragged himself out of the foxhole and went to find his chief.
Junior Officer raised his eyes to heaven and muttered,
"My money's on the tree."
When he lowered his eyes again the ground immediately in front of him was full of Poles.
"Oh shit."

So this is Scenrio BFP 129 - A Bitter Day.  Here a bunch of distinctly second rate Germans attempt to defend a scattering of buildings from what seems to be half the Polish army.  I commanded the defending Germans while Ivan took responsibility for the vengeful Poles.  To win Ivan had to capture all of the buildings on board 7b, some seven in all.  If I could hang on to a single one then Ivan would be denied.  My onboard forces were scanty; seven second line squads, two half squads, a pair of medium machine guns a couple of lights and fourteen concealment counters the lot commanded by two deeply mediocre officers.  On turn 3 I would receive three more second line squads with a couple of lmgs and an 8-1 officer and on turn five I would get six more second liners with a couple more lmgs and a pair of officers.  Set up rules demanded that my troops be forward, reasonably close to the Polish storm.  For the Germans the first few turns would be all about survival.

Ivan's onboard force consisted of five elite squads, nine first line squads and four green squads making up the numbers.  These were bolstered by four machine guns, two medium and two light and commanded by four officers led by a doughty 9-1.  On the second turn Ivan would receive three more first line squads with an lmg commanded by an 8-0.

I had a plan, it was a good plan.  I would even go so far as to say it was a cunning plan.  The buildings Ivan needed to grab came in three distinct clumps; a trio forward on the right, a second trio in the rear, also on the right and one solitary building in splendid isolation on the left rear.  I spread my force out to look as though I was trying to cover the entire board but actually my plan was to race troops back to the rear buildings left and right to garrison them while the rest of my force fought a delaying action in the forest and around the forward buildings.  When my reinforcements arrived they would reinforce these rear positions and hopefully prevent Ivan from taking those buildings (the forward ones I wrote off as lost).  The whole point was to build up a powerful force to defend the left hand building while forcing Ivan to lose a decent amount of time taking the others.  Hopefully by the time he turned to the left hand building it would be impregnable.

I positioned an mmg team where he would be well placed to rush to the rear right hand buildings and a squad on the left to do a similar run towards the building on the left.  In the forest on the left hand side I set up a cordon of squads and dummies to hopefully slow Ivan down.  Over on the right I garrisoned the forward buildings largely with dummies but also placed a couple of squads to give some genuine teeth to the defence.  My other mmg team and a squad with an lmg I set up to cover the road through the forest in case Ivan was crazy enough to just try running along it.  In response Ivan set up the bulk of his force on the right looking to swiftly snatch the forward buildings and build himself a platform for victory.  His reinforcements would push for the forest on the left.

Set up

Things went well for Ivan initially as he pushed his right hand force towards the forward buildings and I found it difficult to stop him.  Not wanting the forward buildings to fall that easily I moved an mmg team and a squad in to support my scanty defenders while my designated retreaters fled for the rear.  Over on the left nothing much happened as Ivan cautiously pushed a secondary force towards my defenders.  I soon got an indication of how the dice were going to treat both of us as I proved to be incapable of passing a morale check.  On Ivan's side he managed to kill an entire squad of his own troops (more than I achieved) by boxcarring first a morale check and then the rally attempt on the surviving half squad.  Spreading death and misery with charming evenhandedness Ivan fired into a melee between a squad of mine and a CXed half squad of his (I hadn't managed to kill it in CC natch) and broke both of them.  Soon Ivan would be almost embarrassed by the number of German prisoners he was lugging around.

End of German turn 1.  My rear guards are heading to their destination but Ivan is monstering me on the right.

The right hand buildings, now guarded by precisely one squad and a bunch of concealment counters, were threatened but my relief force (a squad with a lmg) arrived just in time to prolong the death agony a little longer.  The mmg team didn't turn up in time to help but instead climbed the hill behind the buildings to deny Ivan an easy path forward.  Over on the left Ivan moved up to challenge my defenders using his patented "moving in the open under heavy fire without consequences" tactic which infuriates me.  His reinforcements came on and he directed them to the left as well.  I was gnawing my fingernails waiting for my reinforcements as it looked as though Ivan might blow past my exiguous defences on the right before they arrived.

The forward buildings are almost gone but at least I've got troops in the rear.

As it happened he didn't, instead he blew past my relatively solid defences on the left while he cautiously consolidated on the right.  I tried to maintain a line on the left by retreating back into the forest and pushing forward again.  Ivan just ignored me until I shot at him whereupon he broke me.  The dummies making up the numbers on the left didn't last long and soon Ivan was moving through the forest assisted by the fact that I moved a lmg toting squad in the wrong direction and then had to move it back again for a sum gain over two turns of nothing.  Meanwhile Ivan had filtered troops past the hill on the right and was heading for the rear buildings and my blood pressure rose.  It rose higher as my troops on the left seemed incapable of holding Ivan back and he started pushing up the centre as well.  From now on I would fight two separate battles, on right and left.  The only connection between them would be my reinforcements.

Things aren't looking great, where are my reinforcements?

Finally and not a moment too soon my reinforcements arrived.  I sent most of them to garrison the buildings on the right but also committed a squad and lmg to bolster the building on the left now increasingly firming as the only possible holdout.  On the left Ivan ran past (and occasionally over) my troops but he had a fair bit of distance ahead of him.  I started feeling confident.  Ivan had a lot of troops but I felt I was holding solidly now oh Neil you silly, silly fool.

Reinforcements at last.  Check out my guys on the hill, they're about to do something heroic

Yes my reinforcements had arrived in the nick of time but Ivan was still moving relentlessly ahead. climbing the hill he sneered (rightly) at my mmg firepower, moved up close and broke the halfsquad manning the weapon (more prisoners).  Then he advanced an elite squad into CC with the suddenly isolated leader, naturally he killed it.  In return I rolled snake eyes and wiped out the entire squad.  That's right 1-4 odds and I killed the lot.  For once it was Ivan cursing the CC gods while I admit I simply stared at the screen for a moment in disbelief.

Meanwhile on the lighter side of the news in the forest on the left Ivan had left a single squad to deal with my one surviving squad in the centre of the trees where neither could really hurt anyone else.  These two worthies blasted at each other with 8+1 shots for about four fire phases without any result on either side except the occasional pin result.  The battle had passed them by and they seem to have decided to live and let live.  Finally I got sick of this and advanced in to close combat where, glory to god, I rolled another snakes, wiped him out and generated an 8-1 leader into the bargain.  Pity it all happened a long way from where the battle was being decided.

Ivan is advancing but I'm feeling confident.  This lasted about one more turn.

Despite my heroics in CC Ivan was menacing my position on the right and slowly closing the building on the left.  Still I wasn't feeling too bad.  I had two and a half squads with two leaders, a mmg and an lmg on the right.  Surely they could hold for a few turns?  You know how this goes.  My shots all failed to so much as rumple the creases in his uniform and Ivan plunged into CC with my mmg team.  Proving this was my day for CC I promptly ambushed him and withdrew.  My last batch of reinforcements arrived and I felt like the situation was well in hand.  I sent another squad and lmg team to bolster the left while the others came in on the top right to support the building defenders there.   Things seemed to be going well.

Things look good don't they?

Ivan managed to break the 7-0 leader guiding the mmg team and took him prisoner but this turned out to be a dreadful mistake.  My mmg team managed to break the half squad holding him prisoner and he fought his way clear in CC killing the halfsquad along the way.  Ivan responded with maniacal fury and simply shot at the poor, newly liberated 7-0 until he was dead.

Then things went to hell.  Ivan had broken one of my squads in the rear building and rather than retreat it out of harms way I had moved my 8-1 leader and a squad with an lmg in to bolster (and hopefully rally) them.  Ivan fired an 8+1 shot at the lot and my heroes laughed it off.  Then he final fired a 4+1 shot and everything broke.  Suddenly my entire defence on the right consisted of a single halfsquad with an mmg being menaced by about half of Ivan's force but worse was to come.  In his next turn he moved a leader past my mmg team (I didn't dare fire on a miserable 6+1) and in behind my brokies.  Disinclined to take prisoners at this point he massacred the whole lot.  Next he moved up a halfsquad and captured the other hex of the rear building.  Now the only place I still held was the building location my mmg team was sitting in.  I'm pleased to recount that they did break a Polish squad before their inevitable death but suddenly I had only the one building on the left in my possession.

Far back in the woods my CC created 8-1 had rallied two broken squads which meant that he now commanded more firepower than any other part of my force.  I used him to menace the forward buildings which forced Ivan to keep a couple of squads back there to maintain his hold.  When Ivan managed to break a squads worth of my reinforcements on the right as well and lock up another squad in CC for two turns with a half squad I screamed aloud in anguish.  Fortunately my neighbour's baby is teething and I'm pretty sure he got the blame. 

The dice were still doing silly things to us.  Ivan developed an almost compulsive habit of rolling snakeeyes but he only seemed to be able to do it when it caused him to cower off the IFT or at other useless times.  I only got two snipers as a result both of which managed to pin the same halfsquad.  Then just to prove the dice were fair he boxcarred a morale check as he attempted to push a squad past what he thought was a dummy stack on the left.  Meanwhile I kept on with my unimaginative failing of morale checks by just one number and missing with most of my shots by the same amount.

I hadn't given up on the right though.  Diverting some of Ivan's firepower I managed to get a reinforcement squad up to the rear building and went into CC with his solitary 6+1.  No he didn't kill me but I didn't kill him either (seriously, 4-1 odds) and the melee went on to the end of the game.

Ultimately it all came down to the building on the left.  I had built a wall of troops and cheerfully invited Ivan across the open ground to come and take the building.  With no options left and in his last movement phase he did just that.  I broke one squad and pinned another.  Then he moved a halfsquad forward.  I had a squad an lmg team just waiting to set up a firelane.  I rolled an eleven, broke the lmg and gacked the firelane.  Ivan had a half squad in position but naturally he wanted more.  There was only one unit within range.  He CXed a squad and leader, it took them seven movement points (this is significant) to get them into the hex with the halfsquad where he had to survive a 2-2 residual shot.

Survive it he did.  His leader rolled another snakeeyes and went berserk.  He then caused his squad and the halfsquad to go berserk as well.  But berserk units can't move in the advance phase and he didn't have the movement points left to get into the building.  So a slightly ridiculous victory for me at the last courtesy of an inconvenient snakeeyes for Ivan.  In fairness I had the troops on hand to retake the building even if Ivan had captured it but after the massive buildup the game ended on a slight anticlimax with Ivan's forces staring berserkly at their target building but unable to enter it.

Underneath the 2 residual FP counter is a stack of berserk units and the death of Ivan's hopes

I think I had the right tactics (although as usual the execution was terribly sloppy).  That building on the left should be made as impregnable as possible.  Ivan acknowledged that he made an error in leaving this building for his reinforcements instead of making it a priority for his onboard forces.  Still this was a great game which kept us both in suspense right until the end.

Major von Kummerbund shook his head sadly and closed Junior Officers eyes.  Apparently the young man had been captured and had gone absolutely mad beating his captors to death with his bare hands before catching a stray bullet.  Von Kummerbund looked across at one of the Polish soldiers Junior Officer had dispatched, he bore a curious resemblance to oberst von Kattelrussler but von Kummerbund generously wrote that off as a coincidence.  In the distance he could hear volleys of rifle fire as von Kattelrussler supervised the execution of trees he considered had collaborated with the enemy.  Turning to the gefreiter (yes, there is only one) he gestured to Junior Officer's body.

"Bury him with honours before the chief gets back from tree killing.  He'd probably want to make a sock puppet out of him."

It Would Make Your Hair Curl

Shocking news from the Winter Olympics!!!  A member of the Russian mixed curling team is suspected of being a drug cheat!  The Winter Olympics is tainted, the good name of curling has been trashed forever.  This dreadful scandal certainly raises a lot of questions such as; Why is anyone surprised?  What are Russians doing at the Olympics seeing as how their team was banned? And most important of all, what the hell is curling anyway?

The answers to these questions are, in order; Nobody was surprised, a bunch of supposedly drug clean Russians were permitted to turn up as long as they didn't compete under their national flag or something and your guess is as good as mine.

Perhaps the most significant thing to come out of all of this is the sudden spotlight thrown on the hitherto somewhat obscure sport of curling.  In an attempt to redress my shameful lack of knowledge on the subject I googled "curling" but found that most of the entries referred to the pants worn by the Norwegian team.  The Norwegians might not be drug cheats but it does appear that they try and induce epileptic seizures in their opponents with their sartorial appearance on the ice.  Still in a sport that involves pushing rocks with brooms the Norwegians should be commended for attempting to introduce something of interest.

What with the drugs and the pants it would appear that this is curlings moment on the world stage.  Admittedly none of the publicity actually relates to the sport itself but curling can at least claim to have been standing nearby when all of the drama happened.  The disqualified Russian has blamed a disgruntled former teammate who didn't make the cut for spiking his drink with a banned substance.  If nothing else this gives us an insight into the vicious, cutthroat world of international curling.  No doubt there is a ferocious level of competition bubbling beneath the surface with ancient enmities boiling over as the team from the US Virgin Islands Curling Association takes on traditional rivals, Curling Canada.  Incidentally Curling Canada sounds like something you would do with a roll of wallpaper.

Curling has something to do with lawn bowls, something to do with boche and everything to do with shoving rocks around on ice.  As such it is ideal for the Winter Olympics that home of every sport too esoteric, silly or ice dependent to get a gig at the Summer games.  Curling is sometimes referred to as "Chess on Ice" but probably only by people who play it.  Strangely chess has never been referred to as "tabletop curling".  Curling was developed in Scotland a nation whose other contribution to international sport is golf.  Together these two should dispel any suggestion that the Scots lack a sense of humour. 

But back to the Olympics.  While the not exactly Russian team is sunk in drug despondent gloom in the men's competition the Swedes and the Swiss have been tearing up the ice (those rocks are heavy) to make the playoffs while South Korea and Japan are jostling for prime position amongst the women.  Despite their spectacular pants the Norwegian men's team is falling behind.  I hope the final is televised because I've been seized with an irrational desire to watch it.

Meanwhile in Pyeongchang

Hey the Winter Olympics are on!  That sporting event that seems to have been designed so that countries who wouldn't stand a chance in the Summer games might have an opportunity to win a medal or two.  They're being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea (or, Artillery Target #2 as it's known north of the DMZ) and representatives from every country that has even heard of snow (or kimchi) have been flocking to the location for a couple of weeks of gruelling competition as the skills, training and chemistry talents of the world's best are put through their paces.

At least I assume that's what happens.  To be honest I'm just taking everything I know about the regular Olympics and adding a sprinkling of snow.  The Winter Olympics, it must be admitted, do not bulk large in my consciousness.  I have the vague impression that skis and ice skates must be involved if only to get the competitors to their accommodation.  Apart from that you could tell me that snowman making was a competitive sport and I'd probably believe you.

But seriously, wouldn't competitive snowman making be amazing?  There could be marks awarded for size, realism and the propensity of the entry to star in heart warming children's Christmas specials.  North Korea would probably win.

But as if Winter sports weren't enough for the long suffering people of Pyeongchang they have also been inflicted with the 2018 Cultural Olympiad.  The cultural Olympiad seems to be an attempt by those who aren't particularly sporty to share some of the limelight that is associated with Olympic games.  Note that they have a Cultural Olympiad, because a mere "Olympic games" is way to plebeian and redolent of shed sweat to be appealing to the more cerebral amongst us.

More cerebral incidentally would be their definition rather than mine.  Among the "events" are a winter music festival, a DMZ peace art festival,  a trout festival (that one's a bit odd) and something called Jazz on the Coffee which I really hope lost something in translation.  Oh, there's also a recreation of a royal funeral.  According to the website they are re-enacting the funeral of some dead monarch as an expression of the wish for a successful Cultural Olympic Games and creation of Olympic Cultural Heritage.  If the sort of people who take part in a Cultural Olympiad wonder why people refuse to take them seriously, this is a pretty good explanation.  It's also an indication that it isn't only the athletes who should be drug tested.

Eventually of course the winter sportspeople and winter cultural thingies will pack up their bags and return home (weather permitting) and Pyeongchang will be left in peace.  Apparently there's a rather decent ski resort you can visit when the place isn't being overrun by skiers.