I have been trotting around random patches of bush in Sydney for the last few years now. In between pestering lizards and photographing fungi I occasionally meet other human beings. No, that's not correct. In between pestering lizards and photographing fungi I occasionally pass other human beings. They rarely impact my consciousness for any longer than it takes to step politely out of their way and I'm sure that my own intrusion into their awareness is similarly minimal.
However it occurs to me that it might be helpful to record the types of people that one might encounter on such trips for the information of others. I do this out of a selfless desire to educate and inform and not at all because after fourteen odd years (and some of them have been very odd) I have completely run out of original ideas for this blog. Please enjoy the brief anthropological survey below and reflect on the amazing diversity of our species.
Bushwalkers;
Let's get this one out of the way right off the bat. Of course the bulk of people I encounter are bushwalkers. After all what else are we all doing here? Bushwalkers fall into two basic types which I have designated the bushwalker superior and the bushwalker inferior.
The bushwalker superior is a noble beast. It strides through its domain as if by right. Boots adorn its feet, a pack rests comfortably upon its back, there is a hat to protect its brain case from the scorching solar rays and in extreme cases a pole is held in each hand officially to aid mobility but in actual fact to assist in brutal dominance battles within the pack. One glance at this creature is enough to tell you that it probably uses those poles when it walks down to the shops for a bottle of milk. Sometimes alone, sometimes in a small group these creatures have no love for the bush. Rather it is a hated rival against which they measure their strength seeking glory and prestige on a battlefield no one but themselves would bother turning up to.
If you encounter these beings in the wild nod politely or mutter a greeting and step respectfully to the side to allow them passage. They will return your greetings as etiquette demands and your stepping respectfully to the side will impress them with your good manners and minimise the danger of them accidentally sticking a walking pole through your shoe.
The bushwalker inferior is a much less impressive specimen. I am one of these myself. We wander aimlessly along bush tracks pausing for photos, accidentally treading on lizards and generally reducing the noble art of bushwalking to a pathetic farce. The appearance of the bushwalker inferior is a mocking copy of its noble cousin. Something adorns our feet, they may be boots but they're just as likely to be tennis shoes. Our water bottles were purchased from a convenience store on the day of the walk because once again we forgot to prepare in advance. Hiking gear consists largely of clothing slightly too casual to be worn to a wedding. At best a cap will cover our thinning hair and at worst we stagger along half dead from heat exhaustion. We do not carry fucking walking poles! Quite a lot of us (from my experience) are middle aged to elderly Asians taking a constitutional. We will return your greeting with enthusiasm and might even stop to chat for a couple of minutes if you're so inclined, anything to put off the moment when we have to start walking again. The main difference between us and the bushwalker superior is that the latter likes the exercise while we like the location.
Picnickers;
Depending on where you walk you might not encounter this particular specimen. Obviously they tend to gravitate to areas that are flat enough to lay down a blanket and where the children are less likely to fall off a cliff if left unsupervised for thirty seconds. If like me you take your walks in areas essentially surrounded by suburbs then you will encounter this type more often as ragged bits of bushland quite frequently abut neatly mowed reserves and parks where people drag their families in the desperate hope that a change of scenery will somehow render their presence a little more tolerable. Another term for picnic incidentally is "collective punishment".
If you encounter picnickers while on your walk whatever you do don't interact with them. They're already having the worst day of their lives and the sudden appearance of a sweaty, wild eyed, half mad stranger from nearby bushland in close proximity to the most vulnerable members of their family is not likely to incline them to welcome your arrival. If you have a camera then in the name of god do not take any photos until these wretched endurers of the outdoors are safely in your rear. Otherwise you may find that the next type of people you encounter are of a law enforcement variety.
Locals;
These are people who live quite near whatever native remnant you're currently soiling with your presence. The paths that you are recreating along are simply footpaths to them, a means of getting from one spot to another within their immediate neighbourhood. And because it is their immediate neighbourhood they tend to react in much the same way as you would if a complete stranger suddenly wandered into your backyard. They're not fans of bushwalking or bushwalkers at least as far as it pertains to their particular locality. Don't talk to these people, they will stab you.
There are two types of locals; wealthy locals and not wealthy locals. Female wealthy locals have plastic surgery and greyhounds. Male wealthy locals have women who have plastic surgery and greyhounds. As you can see a fear of being stabbed is not the only reason to give these a wide berth. Wealthy locals are quite common as the type of suburbs that have attractive pieces of bush in close proximity to them tend to be occupied by higher income brackets.
Not wealthy locals occupy areas where the bushland exists simply because the property developers haven't finished bulldozing it yet. Or possibly a small patch was simply not economically viable to destroy. These people tend to mind their own business and it would be a very good idea if you did the same. I encountered a group of four such on one occasion. Well actually I encountered a group of two as the other two fled into the bush on my approach and didn't come out until after I had passed along. I had a polite but stilted conversation with the two who apparently didn't have outstanding warrants but both sides were visibly relieved when I made my excuses and departed as swiftly as possible. One of them was carrying a shovel for reasons I was far too sensible to ask about.
Bushland Regenerators;
Yes I know that sounds rather like a reverse vajazzle but in actual fact these noble defenders of the bush are part of the reason why anything green still grows in the Sydney region. Where ever you walk you will encounter signs discreetly informing you that this or that local bush care group is lovingly tending to the patch of ground you are clumping over, nurturing native plants, removing noxious weeds, cleaning up rubbish and trying to persuade storm water to flow to less environmentally sensitive areas. These people are heroes. They are also invisible. While evidence of their presence in the form of the above mentioned signs abounds not once have I actually seen such a person tugging out a noxious weed or telling encouraging stories to some delicate native plant tentatively reestablishing itself in an area that used to be a toxic waste dump. I can only assume that they do the bulk of their work at night. I honestly don't know how you might communicate with these and can only suggest that a ouija board might be your best bet.
Mountain Bikers;
Fuck those guys!
I hope that the above is of help to you in identifying the various subgroups of humanity you may encounter as you crash helplessly through the bush. Just remember, they're probably not as scared of you as you are of them.
No comments:
Post a Comment