It occurs to me that the above could be the title of my autobiography but I have set my sights somewhat more narrowly in order to give a brief account of my performance at CanCon this year. I use the term performance in much the same way as a drunken mother in law's behaviour at a family barbecue is referred to as a "performance".
I rolled out of bed on the Friday when those parts of our nation that are so inclined celebrate it's existence. Here I reacquainted myself with a couple of friends who had been selected, by me, to drive me to and from the venue this year. After a quick breakfast consisting largely of protein and carbohydrates (definitely not the breakfast of champions in my case) we headed to the EPIC Centre which hosts the gaming convention which is where our modest little tournament is played out.
Yangtze Doodle
After some perfunctory greetings we sat down to do battle. I was introduced to each of my opponents over the course of three days but their names all blended into an incoherent symphony of misery so I shall just say that first up I played some guy. The first scenario was Yangtze Doodle which pitted a group of culturally offended Chinese against a bunch of Japanese invaders. Some Chinese set up in a village while a group of Japanese try to drive them out. Another group of Japanese set up in a different village while some other Chinese try and drive them out. In the middle of this military push me pull you is a bridge, for some reason the shining beacon that both sides are prepared to spill blood to obtain. I had the Chinese.
My troops in the village awaited the oncoming Japanese while the Japanese in the village awaited my oncoming Chinese. By the end of the first turn three quarters of my village garrison were dead or irretrievably broken thanks to my inability to roll less than ten on a morale check. That was pretty much the end of the game. I did indeed fight my way into the other village but his other force pretty much unopposed wandered up to the bridge and had a picnic while my troops poured out their blood for a few houses.
The Badger's Breath
In this one I commanded a group of Canadians in late war western Europe. They were attempting to prevent the escape of a fleeing group of German paratroopers. The Germans are well gunned up with a trio of StuGs and some weird arse antiaircraft gun mounted on a Czech tank chassis but they could be no match for my elite Canadians with a carrier, a Sherman, a mortar and a Sherman Firefly, definitely the queen of this particular battlefield. Although style points have to go to my Badger. The Badger was a variant of the Ram Kangaroo which was itself a variant of the Ram tank which was itself developed on the hull of the American M3. Suffice it to say it was a tank chassis with a monstrous flamethrower attached.
The Germans had to attack across a valley and the quickest way to reach said valley was over a ridge. I set up my mortar and the Sherman to cover the ridge while my Firefly guarded the flank and the Badger lurked behind the trees at the Canadian end of the valley to fry those who approached. My opponent, some other guy, played right into my hands. His StuGs crested the ridge and parked in my line of sight while his infantry plowed forward under the watchful gaze of my mortar crew. It was now that I learned something about my supposedly elite Canadians; they couldn't hit the side of a barn from inside the barn. Having failed all my defensive fire shots and then all of my subsequent prep fire shots I had to watch as his StuGs required just one shot to kill my Sherman and disperse the troops manning the mortar. Utterly unopposed his troops and StuGs raced across the valley to where my Badger and remaining troops waited in horror.
It wasn't all bad news, the Badger fried a squad and a half of German troops so thoroughly they became air pollution and my Firefly killed a StuG and the AA tank as well as taking out a couple of infantry squads. Unfortunately the smoke from the burning vehicles provided enough cover for the rest of his forces to get through. This game was at least hard fought but I lost it in the final turn.
Backstabbing Paratroopers
With nothing but misery in my first days gaming I mustered my personal resources and resolved to do better the next day. The next day saw me pitted against a different guy playing Backstabbing Paratroopers which saw a (not very large) collection of Soviet paratroopers and partisans trying to prevent a somewhat larger group of Germans from capturing some village buildings. I had a board to defend whereas the Germans could pick their spot and throw their entire force against it. Pick their spot the Germans did. I was actually quite pleased with my performance in this one as my troops retreated under far heavier firepower and managed to hold the Germans off for quite some time. Not as it turned out long enough however and my opponent grabbed the required buildings in the final turn.
Blackjack is Back
OK, I do remember my opponent in this one because it was Richard Weilly who is a frequent opponent. It's early 1945, snow covers the ground and any sensible German is learning English and trying to pretend they've never heard of the Russian front. For my sins I commanded some of the Germans yet to get the memo. My force was, shall we say, mixed with some hotshot 658 SS squads and some deeply suspect 447 SS squads making up the numbers. Yet another StuG graced my OB as did two Panthers which surprised me by surviving the battle. Rich had the Americans with a pair of gyro stabilised Shermans, a couple of other Shermans and an M26 Pershing, truly the Panther's equal if not its superior. Backing up this plethora of armour was a host of elite infantry looking to push their way through a rather tatty German defence.
For a while I was hopeful in this one as Richard's dice did to him what mine had done to me in earlier scenarios. He got no smoke, couldn't pass a morale check and only by being very reticent with his tanks did his armour survive the first couple of turns. Eventually of course the dice evened out and I hadn't really been able to inflict sufficient (read, any) casualties on him. Slowed but not stopped Richard deployed massive firepower to gradually crush my troops and inch forward. Despite the presence of all the tanks their contribution was rather muted, a silly move cost me my StuG and Richard dropped a Sherman into the cellar of a building he drove in to but for the most part the tanks acted as fleets in being, preventing the other from interfering. With my infantry shot to pieces with very little by way of reply Richard was able to swarm down one side of the board to victory.
I Have No Idea What I Played on Sunday
By this time my brain was so lacerated with defeat that I could have been playing monopoly. The scenario was one of the ones that used the Sparrow Force map and pitted Australian's against Japanese in Timor. Here's a tip, if you want to win a scenario don't play the scenario designer. I took the Australians in this one and advanced boldly forward hampered only by the predilection of my elite and first line troops to flee for the rear if the Japanese so much as shouted "Bang!" near them. By halfway through I was ready to concede but my opponent, tournament organiser and scenario designer Andy Rogers persuaded me to continue. Blinking away tears I did so. Things did even up and I swept through capturing all but one of the buildings I needed but too much time had been lost and the final turn saw a desperate charge through the open to try and capture the final required building. It was messy, the ground turned red.
After this final humility lesson I slunk off by myself until it was time to leave. It was a profoundly depressing experience leavened only by good company, enjoyable meals and a pleasant ride home. OK, I guess it wasn't too bad really. Also Lake George had water in it which is always worth seeing. Andy organised a great tournament and did an excellent job of herding the collection of cats he had been foisted with. As for me, ordinarily I would be playing Dave Wilson my usual opponent on Monday night but by mutual agreement we put it off for a week. Dave so he could get some rest and me so I could find a reason to live.
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