Well 2016 has sauntered out the door leaving behind a pile of celebrity corpses and the Red Army Choir at the bottom of the Black Sea. At last report the queen was still clinging to life by her eyelids while the palace doctors up the injections of corgi blood and virgin tears in an increasingly desperate attempt to keep her around until Charles is safely filling a crate.
Did more people die than usual in 2016? Probably not barring an outbreak of plague that didn't go reported in the mainstream media. What did happen is that there seemed to be a higher than usual mortality rate amongst those who fondly imagine we can't do without them. A delusion we are prepared to pander to as long as they continue to produce moderately capable music and movies that don't actually make us want to vomit.
Which sadly, brings me to The Force Awakens. I am so sorry that Carrie Fisher is dead. I'm also sorry beyond words that The Force Awakens was her last picture because who wants to be remembered for that. Not that there's anything wrong with The Force Awakens. For anybody who hasn't seen Star Wars its a perfectly acceptable space action thingy. Of course if you have seen Star Wars then you know the plot, the characters and a good deal of the dialogue. There is literally no reason to see The Force Awakens if you have seen Star Wars. It is the same movie only not quite as good.
But back to death and the avoidance of it. As you may have guessed from the first paragraph I am rather hoping that whatever dark arts are keeping the queen alive continue to do so until Charles is out of the running for the throne. Hopefully she will be sitting in the crumbling ruins of Buckingham Palace breeding dorgis for a long time to come. Yes, I said "dorgis". Dorgis are apparently a cross between a dachshund and a corgi and the possessor of the most stupid name for a dog breed since labradoodle. In defence of labradoodles since the alternative name for them would have been "poodor" they probably made the right choice. The queen's obsession with dorgis makes me suspect that Buckingham Palace is desperately short of draught excluders.
Somebody else who has so far avoided death is president-elect Donald Trump despite the earnest prayers of most of America's political and media establishment. Does anybody else at this point think that Trump is simply tweeting whatever nonsense comes into his head just for the fun of watching his opponents go into meltdown? Meanwhile Republicans who thought their candidate won the White House got a sudden reality check when their attempts to gut the Independent Office of Congressional Ethics were blocked by the combined efforts of Paul Ryan and Trump himself. With the Democrats reduced to something close to impotence the opposition to a Republican administration is going to have to come from Trump and such party members as retain a modicum of sanity.
But farewell to 2016; as 2017 emerges blinking into the light like a mole that took a wrong turning I find myself feeling more and more like the queen. I too didn't die in 2016. I am also cutting down my public appearances and should my attempts at mating a cockroach with a ringworm bear fruit I too will have a silly animal to call my own. I will name it a "cockring".
On a more positive front I hope to visit Indonesia before our military manages to piss them off beyond redemption and will take the opportunity to poke sticks at orang-utans. Sorry, I mean "enjoy these magnificent creatures in their natural habitat". Their natural habitat nowadays being under a pall of smoke from burning rainforest. Good luck for the new year guys. I earnestly hope it turns out to be incredibly boring.
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