The Farce Awakens

Yes, I'm sure nobody has ever thought of that joke before.  It seems as though no sooner have we finished digesting one Star Wars movie than, bang, ten years later another one turns up.  The mere fact that somebody actually made another Star Wars movie is a triumph of optimism over experience.

Star Wars (which we now have to call Episode Four or A New Hope or something similar) was epic.  Simple, flashy and spectacular.  I personally liked The Empire Strikes Back as well although I could tell it was a much weaker film.  Things had got more than a little silly by the time Return of the Jedi rolled around which managed to convey the impression that the Empire had invaded the Muppet Show.  Still I watched it and nodded with satisfaction when it was done.  A line had been drawn and the trilogy was complete.  Best of all watching Return of the Jedi meant that you had absolutely no reason to watch it again.

Then came The Phantom Menace.  It's easy to mock The Phantom Menace.  Very, very easy.  In fact the only difficulty with mocking the Phantom Menace is knowing where to start.  I took my father to see The Phantom Menace and when it was over I felt the need to apologise and hoped it hadn't damaged our relationship.  The acting was by and large woeful but that was largely overshadowed by the fact that the script was appalling.  Indeed I think the actors deserve a fair amount of credit for simply turning up.

The Phantom Menace had a difficult row to hoe.  It was essentially an introduction to two other movies that would be prequels for something we had already enjoyed and would be measuring them against.  It would be difficult to write any sort of coherent and self contained storyline under those circumstances.  Difficult and, as it turned out for those responsible, impossible.  In a movie like this the script can be forgiven for sagging in the middle.  Unfortunately it sagged at both ends as well.  Not even the presence of Natalie Portman dressed as a Christmas tree could save it.

Attack of the Clones was better if only because it would be difficult to be worse.  There were plenty of action scenes to distract attention from the dialogue and the acting.  Generally speaking the storyline improved (although not to the point of being any good) while the acting deteriorated apart of course from Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine.  Oh yes and of course Christopher Lee.  Christopher Lee could add a touch of class to a dung heap, and did.

The Revenge of the Sith was without a doubt the best of the prequels if only because it was the last.  Finally given the opportunity to have a movie with a definite conclusion not even George Lucas managed to completely botch it.  True the acting was still dreadful and the script was largely tripe but it was all worth it just to watch the moment when that black helmet came down over Hayden Christensen's head.  Because I for one was sick of the sight of his face.  Becoming a menacing power for evil was certainly a step up from being a whiny, petulant pissant.  I was also glad to see the back of Yoda, giving me the shits his syntax was.

So now we have The Force Awakens.  If its just awakening now what the hell was it doing for the last six movies?  In the case of Episodes 1-3 probably pretending that it wasn't there and didn't have any input.  Considering the quality of the last four movies there are plenty of arguments starting with basic sanity for why I shouldn't go and see it.   I have better things to do with my time and money.

Oh ok, of course I'm going to see it.  It will probably suck and at the end of it I'll wonder why the hell I did it.  Still there is always the possibility that it might be good.  And if its good it will be awesome.  I am totally going to see it.  After that I'll probably go and see the sequels tentatively entitled The Force Gets Out of Bed and The Force Gets Dressed.

As a sidebar please note that I managed to have a go at The Phantom Menace without even mentioning Jar Jar Binks.  Oh crap!!