Therapeutic Chewing

I saw an ad the other day offering thirty three helpful tips to improve your mood.  One of these electronically delivered pearls of wisdom was the advice to chew gum.  Apparently the rhythmic action calms the nerves and promotes feelings of well being, as well as tooth decay and quite possibly cancer.  Everything gives you cancer nowadays, even the fermented unicorn semen I rub into my skin to preserve its youthful appearance comes with a discreet warning label.  Although I believe it is warning the unicorns.

Chewing gum as a therapeutic tool seems a little low tech but there is nothing like rotting teeth and a permanently aching jaw to take your mind off that pesky paranoid schizophrenia and let's face it, its probably better than lithium.  Never swallow something that explodes on contact with air.  Chewing gum is also something you can do on your own.  This is probably its most significant therapeutic value.  The principal problem with most forms of therapy is that they require the presence of a therapist.  There is nothing like having a total stranger avidly hanging on my every word to discourage me from opening up about my problems.

Another friendly piece of advice was to get some more sun.  There was some mention of vitamin D and its supposed benefits but it does seem that rotten teeth and melanomas are the price we will have to pay for a well balanced mental state.  I do have to admit that there does seem to be something in this.  Just the other day I was lying back, basking in the sun, manoeuvring chewing gum between my three remaining teeth and chatting idly to the voices in my head and I can't tell you when I've felt more relaxed.  At least until the police arrived and told me to get off the road, and put some clothes on.

So chewing gum and sunshine appear to be excellent therapeutic tools but for those of you who want something a little more permanent I have taken the liberty of compiling a brief collection of suggestions of my own which should help your overall well being without actually having to chew anything (except the carpets if you're so minded).

Firstly; talk to yourself, a lot, especially in public.  Despite my comment in the previous paragraph I don't actually hear voices.  This is because no matter how many voices I have in my head they can't get a word in edgeways.  Also if you talk to yourself you will find that people back away from you, avoid you in the street and generally leave you alone.  This is very important for your mental health because of all the things guaranteed to drive you insane, other people comes top of the list.

Secondly; be rich.  I can't stress how important this is.  There are very few instances of extremely wealthy people being insane.  Things that would be considered insane were the perpetrator poor become charming eccentricities if you have the capacity to buy a city with pocket change.  Perhaps the only genuine cases of rich people being mentally ill is when the alternative is being declared competent to stand trial.

Finally; if you are so genuinely, gobsmackingly insane that the simple act of walking out of your house is enough to cause people to scream and phone the authorities try and convey the impression that you're doing it deliberately.  Yes, people will be annoyed, even infuriated, but you will be amazed at how much people will put up with, albeit grudgingly, if they think you know what you're doing.  It helps if you get a job that allows you to get away with behaving like a loon.  Politics is good, religion is better but the best possible occupation to have is comedian.  Then your behaviour becomes an act and people will pay good money to watch your mental disintegration.  This incidentally is the only reason I can think of for why Russell Brand isn't locked up in a room with soft walls.