For When Cheap and Shabby is More Than Enough

The Byzantine emperor Nikephoros Phokas (charmingly nicknamed "the White Death of the Saracens") used to sleep on the floor of his palace wrapped in a panther skin.  What the unfortunate panther might have wrapped itself in to keep out the cold history has failed to record.  The panther skin actually saved his life at one point.  A group of conspirators entered the imperial bedchamber intent on murder and were dumbfounded to see the emperor's bed unslept in.  Unfortunately a convenient servant pointed out the panther skin with a suspiciously emperor shaped lump in it and the conspirators hacked and bludgeoned him to death.  So when I say the panther skin saved his life I really mean it saved his life for about two and a half minutes after which he suffered a rather horrible death.

Still, two and a half minutes isn't nothing.  You can do a lot in two and a half minutes or at least you can if you don't waste all the time sleeping.  So if you're concerned that you might be murdered in your bed obviously a panther skin is the way to go.  It will at least give you time to sit up, rub your eyes and say "Who the hell are you?"  Which isn't much in the way of last words but certainly beats an oblivious snore.

With this in mind I journeyed to my local purveyor of ridiculously cheap stuff (I think it was a K-Mart but I might be lying) to purchase a sleeping bag.  I looked for panther skins but apparently you just can't get them any more, even panthers aren't finding it as easy as they used to.  There were some second hand ones but the attendants couldn't guarantee that they hadn't been ground zero for a horrible regicide so I stuck to sleeping bags.

Rugged outdoors people buy sleeping bags so they can hike to Everest base camp (hi Amanda) or invade Afghanistan.  I bought a sleeping bag because I want to take a train ride.  Getting out of hand as these ambitions usually do the train ride has now snowballed into hotel stays, foreign travel and a safari to see those animals that have not yet been made into imperial duvets.  Hence the need for a sleeping bag.  Somewhat closer to home (in both the physical and temporal senses) I also need it to go camping next weekend.

I find it difficult to believe that my friends invited me to go camping again after last time.  I find it almost impossible to believe I said yes.  Still, camping I am going and therefore a sleeping bag is required.  Since I only need the sleeping bag twice and on both occasions in a reasonably pleasant (not to say hot) climate minor details like quality, durability and insulation were rather less important than they might be to someone who, for example, cared in the slightest.  Fortunately for cheap and shabby goods I had come to the right place.

Having come to the right place I then had to navigate my way around it which proved to be somewhat more difficult than I thought.  The signs in the store were an absolute education.  They weren't actually very helpful but they were just helpful enough so that you didn't look around for staff to guide you.  Which was good because there weren't any.  I believe the purpose of the signs was to provide a veneer of helpfulness so you don't stomp out of the store in disgust but simultaneously force you to wander amongst various aisles where you might find something else you would like to purchase as well.  Honestly, has anyone gone to K-Mart and left with only the item they intended to buy?  I bought some socks and a pair of what I'm going to call pyjama pants despite the fact that in my experience pyjamas usually come with tops as well.

I needed new pyjamas (technically I still do) but the pyjama selection was not what I expected.  Apparently nobody who is a size smaller than "bloated hippopotamus" wears pyjamas nowadays.  I must admit I very rarely wear them to bed.  Pyjamas are what I wear around the house to symbolise that I don't intend to go out again that evening, or afternoon or occasionally, morning.  The socks just happened to be hanging on a hook I had to pass on my search for a sleeping bag.  But who doesn't need socks, right?

I eventually found the sleeping bags near the sports section.  I had only been in the store for an hour by that stage so I felt quite pleased with myself.  There was a selection (a better selection than there was for pyjamas anyway) and I could choose between those that would keep me snug in glacial conditions to those that wouldn't.  All at the bargain basement price of $15.  My friend Amanda who is going to Everest base camp paid $180 for her sleeping bag and it was on sale.  Mine was full price but shall we say that if I wanted to go to Everest I might be better off with a panther skin.  Also I could wrap myself in it and do yeti impersonations in the middle of the night.  At this point Amanda is probably pleased I'm going to Africa.