Guess What Month It Is

My favourite newspaper keeps coming up with the hard hitting news stories that the mainstream media in Australia unaccountably fail to cover.  For example; how many of you knew that May is National Masturbation Month in the United States.  It certainly doesn't figure on my desk calendar.

Think of it, dedicating a month to masturbation.  Am I the only one surprised by the restraint and self control of our American cousins during the other eleven months?  Seriously, only one month?  Did everyone suddenly quit smoking or something?  I suspect Americans would be rather short tempered and irritable around April 28th.  I don't know if any special gatherings or celebrations have been planned for the occasion.  Possibly in view of the subject material it was decided the month was best observed at home with a period of quiet, er, reflection.

I know National Masturbation Month sounds a little silly.  No, that's not true, it sounds a lot silly but it's no more stupid than some of the more mainstream and respectable commemorations rolling around the place.  For example, according to the United Nations 2014 is the International Year of Crystallography.  Their brochure "Crystallography matters" has been helpfully translated into Macedonian for your convenience.

Crystallography (wikipedia informs me) is "the science that examines the arrangement of atoms in solids".  I'm sure it is a fruitful and important field of scientific endeavour and I hope those engaged in it get a much deserved morale boost from the official UN recognition that has been bestowed upon it.  Still the United Nations seems to have had some doubts as to whether crystallography on its own had the heft to carry a whole year by itself.  Thus this is also the International Year of Small Island Developing States, of the Family Farm and of Solidarity With the Palestinian People.

I think we can get most of this out of the way pretty quickly.  There can't be too many states that are developing small islands (is it like bonsai?), the number of family farms is diminishing daily and in Australia at least solidarity with the Palestinian people is considered adequately shown if you occasionally boycott a Max Brenner and are rude to visiting Israeli academics.  That leaves the rest of the year free for us to focus on crystallography (less a month for masturbating, obviously).  Collectively it all makes more sense that 2013 which was the International Year of Quinoa.  Fucking quinoa.  I don't think I had heard of this stuff until a month or two ago but apparently it got an entire year, and it only had to share it with water cooperation.  The poor Palestinians have to rub shoulders with farms, islands and crystallography.  Possibly one of the silliest was 1993 the International Year for the World's Indigenous People.  With the possible exception of the people who run the UN we are all indigenous to the World.  I for one am pretty sure there is no Martian in my family tree.

Also in the paper today was the heartwarming story of a man who first attempted to sue Apple for getting him addicted to internet porn and who now wants to marry his laptop.  I can't help thinking he's chosen the right month for it.