You Want Me to do What, With What?

"I want my husband to use sock puppets as foreplay but he thinks it's weird and has started distancing himself from me".  Thus ran one woman's plaintive cry to the letters page of the free newspaper I unaccountably garner for myself every day.  A few questions come immediately to mind; does it have to be sock puppets or will any kind of marionette do?  Are you going to be tying the puppets up, slowly undressing them or simply throwing yourself on them with crazed abandon?  Do you really think anybody is going to stop laughing long enough to seriously address your problem?

Since idiotic advice is something I'm just as good at as the next person I will attempt to address this problem (between chuckles it must be admitted).  The first thing you can do is find out what weird or bizarre sexual fetish your husband possesses (don't worry there always is one) and offer a straight quid pro quo.  He does the sock puppet routine and you lie back on a pile of cushions and rub your self vigorously with a frozen chicken (to take an example chosen totally at random, I swear).  Alternatively get yourself some sexy high heeled boots to give him something to focus on while you're checking out the socks with buttons for eyes.

For the husband, get over it!  Sock puppets are pretty tame in the fetish stakes really.  At least she isn't asking you to urinate into her mouth (or vice versa).  Frankly sock puppets are harmless, inoffensive and make great toys for the kids once you've finished with them.  Indeed from the sounds of things you might not be having any kids without them.  Also, of course, you will never wonder what happens to those odd socks which "vanish" from the washing machine ever again.  Would you prefer it to be sock puppets or would you rather she asked you to dress up like somebody she would actually prefer to have sex with rather than you.  At least its difficult to get jealous of a sock puppet (although not impossible I'm prepared to bet).

For the final word on sock puppets let me take you to a strip club.  Or to be more accurate recount an occurrence that I witnessed on a (very rare, honestly) visit to one.  There was a pole dancer; she was attractive, athletic, naked and thus fulfilling most of the requirements for a pole dancer but the only reason why I remember her at all is this.  Half way through her routine when she was naked except for her boots she suddenly produced a pair of sock puppets and did a sock puppet dance routine to the theme tune from The Muppets.  Possibly the only time that music has been played in that particular establishment.  I can't say I was sexually aroused but it was the most thoroughly enjoyable strip tease routine I have ever seen.  She got laughs and applause without the spruikers having to remind the audience to take their hands out of their pockets.  Sock puppets rock!