Apparently I Can Either Eat or Think

Oh my god, I have eaten way too much. This will be a very sloppy and lethargic blog entry (cries of surprise from my readers). Most of my brain is currently engaged in digestion, in fact I rather suspect that my brain is digesting itself. At least that's my excuse, I don't think I need to go into the fact that my brain has the consistency of tapioca pudding at the best of times.

My condition at the moment leads me to suspect that obesity may be the key to world peace. If everybody over ate we would be far too bloated and lethargic to quarrel with anyone. The most we'd be able to do is raise our voices but I'll bet we wouldn't even manage that for long. When everyone on the planet is rolling around holding their bellies then peace and fatty degeneration of the arteries will descend upon the Earth.

Of course things will be a little different in this brave (if bloated) new world. Diet books will be banned as hate literature, people like Posh Spice will be packed off to dietary "reeducation facilities" and when the wage drones at McDonalds ask, "do you want fries with that?" nobody will be allowed to say no.

Some people will, no doubt, see a problem with my brilliant plan but then some people would see a problem with the miracle of creation itself (I've drawn up a list). These officious killjoys will point out that there is already a problem with food security and large parts of the population who, no doubt, would love to be really fat are stuck with being really thin. All true of course but nothing we can't handle. Food security issues are more imaginary than real, that is to say the problem is real but the cause isn't lack of food. The causes are a combination of inefficient distribution, demented farm subsidies and the fact that we allowed the same financial geniuses who did for the US property market what Jaws did for beachside holidays to work their magic on the food markets as well. These problems shouldn't prove insuperable and even if they do there's always cannibalism.

Ultimately, I could be wrong (what? never! I hear you cry) perhaps the issues of food security will lead to conflict within our newly swollen world order. I still think a world where conflict resembles a particularly hard core episode of The Biggest Loser is still better than what we have now. After five minutes of combat everybody would have to stop and gasp for breath, possibly for days and the actual fighting would have to be slotted in between meal times. And since we're cannibals now we could eat the casualties. That should sort out the food security issues for a while at least.