I Think I'll be a Viking When I Grow Up

A little trivia piece at work today pointed out that Vikings made drinking cups of their enemies skulls. I can't see how that would work, all the alcohol would trickle out the eyesockets. Of course what the Vikings actually did was cut off the top of the skull and fit a cup in there. So Vikings didn't make drinking cups out of their enemies skulls, they made stubbie holders out of their enemies skulls. You can just imagine the binge drinking sessions on icy Winter nights, a group of Vikings gathered around one of their number chanting, "skull, skull, skull". Then when the lad had passed out there would be comments like, "I knew he had no head for drink" and "he's not the only one who's off his face". Hey there's nothing like a little decapitation humour to pass the time while you're waiting for the longship to come out of the garage.

When they weren't promoting irresponsible usage of alcohol or leading the way in dark ages recycling technology the Vikings were seafarers, raiders and traders. Anywhere there was water you could find Vikings. During the ninth century it wasn't safe to run a bath without alerting the local militia. Not that they would do you any good as the Vikings were the most kickarse bunch of marauders around at the time.

They even turned up in Byzantium where the emperors took one look at this bunch of hairy, axe wielding maniacs and said "Would you guys be looking for a job?" The Varangian Guard, the emperors personal bodyguard was originally made up of Viking warriors who had made their way to Constantinople for one reason or another. Service in the guard was highly prestigious and very well paid. There is a story of one Norseman making his way home being arrested in France because he was carrying a suspiciously large quantity of gold. He was released when a letter came from the Byzantine emperor confirming that the money was his severance pay. Harold Hardrada who is best known as the guy who didn't conquer England in 1066 did a stint in the Varangians before returning to become king of Norway. Considering how that worked out he might have wished he had stayed.

Over in Kiev the locals did one better than simply hiring the Vikings as bodyguards. They hired them as kings. Legend states that the Kievan Rus tired of squabbling amongst themselves invited a Viking named Rurik to come and rule over them and give them peace. Like most legends this is probably a complete lie and the Vikings rarely waited for an invitation before turning up but nevertheless there was a Viking aristocracy ruling the Rus before there were Varangians in Constantinople. Funny story, the Byzantines came into contact with the Rus when at the instigation of their Norse rulers they attempted to raid Constantinople. The Byzantines introduced the Rus to civilisation by way of Greek fire a sort of medieval napalm. Those who survived decided to try trading instead.

It must have been a jolly life, roaming the world, burning and looting, doing the odd spot of jobbing kingship and protecting emperors from their enemies (frequently their relatives) and when it was all over they could get a job fitting cups into peoples skulls. Vikings; the multitaskers of the dark ages.