I've Been Violated by a Robot!

 About eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  At first both the specialist and my GP were very sanguine.

"Don't worry," I was told.  "It's a very lazy and unambitious cancer.  With any luck we'll never have to do anything about it."

Some nine months later my specialist looked at the results of my latest biopsy and said, "That thing's got to come out." 

Apparently in the course of nine months the cancer had a long hard look at what it was doing with its life and decided to be the sort of ambitious, hard working cancer that would make its mother proud.  Since its place of work was my prostate we simply decided to outsource the prostate to the nearest medical waste bin.  It did take a few months to get all of the arrangements in place.  My specialist did me proud, getting me onto a new trial programme for a super sexy robot that would perform the actual surgery (under the guidance of my specialist of course).

I must admit when I think of robots doing surgery I tend to think of the robot from Lost in Space with chainsaw blades attached to its arms.  It's probably a good thing I didn't see the actual robot.  I would either have been disappointed or terrified.  Some of my friends wondered whether I was comfortable with having a robot attacking me with sharp things.  Actually I preferred it.  Even the best human surgeon can have an unfortunate sneezing fit.  All I needed to worry about was whether the robot decided that this was the time to strike a blow against the fleshly overlords.  Fortunately my specialist was on hand with his finger on the self destruct button in case of this eventuality.

Before the operation my specialist had a less than reassuring conversation with me about the side effects of the surgery.  These are, in no particular order; loss of bladder control, erectile disfunction and penis shrinkage.  At this point it sounded less like medical side effects and more like an ancient Gypsy curse.  I was assured that in "most" cases the bladder control would return after anything between three months and two years.  It was when we got on to erectile disfunction that my specialists eyes really lit up.

Apparently the medical team were really keen that I get some sort of erectile function back.  Not out of any concern for my sex life but because there are apparent health benefits in doing so.  My specialist went through all of the things that could be done to help in this regard starting with "tactile manipulation" which I hope is a euphemism for masturbation, then viagra.  When he started talking about jabbing needles into my penis I called a halt.  In a manner I considered calm but firm I informed him I had absolutely no intention of sticking sharp things into my penis.  He told me to lower my voice and get down off his desk.

With all of the arrangements in place all I had to do was wait for the robot to have a gap in its apparently busy schedule.  That happened a couple of weeks ago and I presented myself at the hospital and placed myself in the metallic hands of my surgeon.  Shortly before I was due to be sedated a very human nurse turned up, informed me that he was a specialist prostate nurse and that he should have had the opportunity for a two hour conversation about what to do afterwards and the recovery process.  Instead he had to condense it into about forty five minutes.

In my ignorance I had thought that recovery would consist of lying on a couch for a couple of weeks until I was strong enough to return to work.  I wasn't entirely wrong but first there would be a week or so with a catheter, and then there are exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor and physiotherapy (ditto).  Once all of that was underway we could move on to doing something about erectile function (or the lack of same).  The end result of which was that my recovery period has actually been more tiring than I expected.

The robot apparently performed its role well, the prostate was removed, nerve endings were saved and the only proof of the robot's attentions is a series of scars across my abdomen.  Seriously I look like I've been in a knife fight.  At the suggestion of the physiotherapist I'm currently rubbing sorbolene cream into them.  He has promised to deal with a couple of stitches that haven't dissolved the next time I see him (I had mistaken them for scar tissue).

About the first few days at home with a catheter as a house guest I shall say nothing except I think I was happier when that was removed than the actual prostate.  For the first fortnight I was injecting myself with blood thinners and the unsightly bruises and marks across my thighs emphasised my desire to have nothing to do with needles near the penis.  The prostate nurse (who is just as keen on my erections as my specialist) assures me that's the last resort if nothing else works.  I really, really hope something else works.

Now I'm pretty much recovered from the surgery and can look forward.  I'm sitting here, slightly damp with a disfunctional penis.  However the cancer is gone and I haven't had to do any chemo or radiotherapy.  I'm actually working on the exercises in the hopes that my pelvic floor (or at least my bladder) gets a little more enthusiastic about its job.  I find myself a little disappointed about the erectile disfunction which actually surprised me.  It has been a long time since any woman has looked at me with anything remotely resembling interest (as it turned out she had indigestion but I was hopeful for a moment) and I honestly didn't think it would be that big a deal.  It turns out there is a difference between not doing something and not being able to do something.  Besides removing the prostate doesn't actually impact your sex drive all that much (after you've recovered from the surgery of course) it just impacts your ability to do anything about it.

Apart from the obvious the only lingering affects of the surgery are tiredness and a certain lack of ability to concentrate (probably connected).  Hopefully that will go away with more sleep.  In the meantime I am reluctantly shelving half formed plans to travel to West Africa and am investigating river cruises and train journeys more in keeping with my newly enfeebled status.