The inhabitants of Melbourne believe their city is quite the food Mecca. A conclusion I assume they have come to because they eat from time to time. I have to admit that my experience of Melbourne's allegedly famous dining has been limited of late due to the fact that the hotel I habitually stay in is closer to strip clubs (and bizarrely, law firms) than it is to the multitude of food dispensing options the city boasts. It was for this reason that my first taste of Melbourne dining (apart from an Italian restaurant that must be the pride of Reservoir) was hotel based.
Arriving back at my hotel at 8.30 in the evening after a hard day being humiliated in front of my peers (or at least they would be my peers if I was a little better at the game) I decided to make use of my hotel's room service option. I scanned a dizzying array of delicious sounding dishes made my order and settled down to wait. After an hour and a half of waiting I set forth in search of my missing nourishment. Hotel reception claimed they couldn't find my order, then they found my order and assured me it wouldn't be too much longer. Thus reassured I went back to my room to wait. Just as I was about to repeat my journey to reception the food finally arrived and I settled down for a meal at about the time I would normally consider going to bed. For some reason I didn't sleep well that night.
Still the lesson had been learned and the next night I set out in search of a laneway. Melbourne laneways are famous, nobody from Melbourne can shut up about them. In these laneways various sellers of food make their headquarters and people flock to have a dining experience or at least to experience dining. More by luck than good judgement I found such a laneway. It turns out we have similar laneways in Sydney only we call them streets and drive cars down them.
Still having found the laneway (Hardware Lane for those who care) I presented myself in front of one of the many restaurants and demanded sustenance. After a certain, understandable hesitation they directed me to a table and fed me without further ado. Giddy with triumph at successfully navigating the native customs and more than a little delighted that I had sufficient time for digestion before retiring to bed I made my way back to the hotel with a song in my heart and pasta in my belly.
The next day I made my way to the more central parts of Melbourne where laneways fought each other for ground space and the sheer variety of Chinese and Italian restaurants had to be seen to be believed. Sadly when dinner time came around I was back at my hotel and repaired once again to Hardware Lane. There were plenty of options, some weren't open and the rest of them were packed. Fortunately at the very edge of Hardware Lane a McDonalds was perched like a vulture waiting to pick off those who simply couldn't travel the extra few steps to gastronomic salvation. I suppose I was always going to wind up here but it was with a sense of personal defeat that I slunk in their well lit doors and ordered a burger. The next day I did manage some excellent Middle Eastern food (not from McDonalds) so that went some way to compensate.
Sadly since I was in a more "corporate" part of the town most of the cafes closed after office hours were over and my hotel's room service proved incapable or perhaps unwilling to provide coffee after 7.30 at night. Fortunately there was a coffee machine in my room. Unfortunately the coffee was crap. I drank it anyway.
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